This took ten minutes just now...I might refine it.
There is fear as we sleep
Though these fears can't be dreams
For isolated times are upon us
The lord is hurling fire at the beams
There is no paranoia
Only troubled days where torture knows
It's more plausible than religion
As human kind does slowly grow
There is no private shelter
Our own mind sees to that
We seize ourselves with thoughtless words
We set the biggest trap
There is silence as we wake
For the uncertain hours are plenty
In the quiet depths we kill
Kill ourselves to save the many
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Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 6th November 2006 |
Sorry Shakey, this escapes me in subject matter and leaves me unaffected, except to say that it seems confused.
What occurs to me is that it is a fairly random collection of words - as if written by a soulless computer.
Sorry Shakester.
Oli  |
Written by shakermaker (48 comments posted) 6th November 2006 |
No problem...
The subject is a state of mind. How we hurt ourselves with our thoughts and end up sacrifysing ourselves for the sake of others even if it means we kill ourselves. It's for people who are slaves of their own mind. Very complex I guess... |
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 6th November 2006 |
Even though I read Oli's review and your reply before I read the poem, it's clearly too complex for me. Sorry.
Either both Oli and I are both a little dense (me- possibly, Oli - I doubt it) or as you say in your intro, it might need a little refining.
Phil. |
Written by shakermaker (48 comments posted) 6th November 2006 |
There is fear as we sleep >Fear in the world, fear for thw writer.
Though these fears can't be dreams>Dreams in the literal sense of the word, but not not really nightmares either. These fears have taken up the persons existence.
For isolated times are upon us>The person is talking of themselves and others in their boat.How trapped one can feel.
The lord is hurling fire at the beams>In times of struggle, even non religious people look to god, but even god isn't there.
There is no paranoia>They're telling themselves it's not paranoia,even if others tell them it is.
Only tortured days where trouble grows>A parallel to paranoia and their own denial.
It's more plausible than religion>The feelings they've been consumed by are more true than even the god they're searching for as they're so desperate.
As human kind does slowly grow>human kind as in the people they care about, think about, help out grow and possibly move on as in leave the area or don't need them anymore.
There is no private shelter>The private shelter was their home, then their bedroom, then their head and imagination, but now they can't find solice in their own head.
Our mind sees to that>Again a certain denial, wherby they're denying themselves the relaxation of their own mind.
We seize ourselves with thoughtless words>Their inner turmoil, where they've searched for peace and where they once found solice there is a little voice inside uttering the thoughtless words.
We set the biggest trap>Making themselves ill by continually hurting themselves.
There is silence as we wake>The same silence when the little voice comes at night.
For the uncertain hours are plenty>They're thinking of the day ahead and how things will undoubtedly get on top of them again.
In the quiet depths we kill/Kill ourselves to save the many>Putting themselves last and this is why they're losing touch with reality and hurting themselves for the sake of others.
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Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 6th November 2006 |
Thanks for taking the time and trouble to do this.
Phil. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 7th November 2006 |
Well, I think i got some of the stuff on the first read thorugh. However, if every poem you write needs footnotes then maybe you need to be a little less cryptic (Speaking as someone who has a tendency towards the cryptic) I enjoyed some of the lines in this very much but felt like it was maybe a touch too compressed and more like the basis for a longer poem. Anyway, it got me thinking, no mean feat in the morning!
Elli |
Written by shakermaker (48 comments posted) 7th November 2006 |
| I agree, a good poem shouldn't leave people wondering. On the other hand, I believe that if you dig deep enough you might find you're own meaning or interpretation. That's not say that the poem I wrote is any good, but I think sometimes if things are spelt out then it gives people a better understanding. As you say though, it's possible that it is the basis of a longer work, and me being me threw it together in ten minutes and expected everyone to get it just because I did.Thanks for your view on it though. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 7th November 2006 |
I don't think there's anything wrong with leaving the reader a wondering a little, it's good to have room for your own interpretation, I just think you have to be careful that you give enough clues for the reader to be treading a similar direction to you. A longer reworking of the ideas in this might be a very interesting prospect.
Elli |
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