In cyberspace, I am known as Radishimo. I like to think of myself as a gamer, an amateur digital artist, a reader of comic books and the driver of a very powerful car. In reality only the first three titles are true.
Mojacar, Southern Spain.
The sun was blazing down from high up in the sky onto the road, which acted as a sort of boundary between the beach on one side and the establishments on the other. The stretch of sand was a quarter mile long and was dotted with people. Only a few of the bars and restaurants were open during this part of the day. The Torre del Mojacar was also open for business. Built from ancient grey stone, it stood out from the other white washed buildings. Square based and two storeys high, the only entrance was through an opening located half way up one side. A steel walkway wrapped around the ancient structure leading up to the opening. At its base, an attendant lounged beneath a parasol. A young family had just paid him their entrance fee and were beginning their ascent to the entrance.
A rusty yellow car pulled up and a man in an orange T-shirt and khaki trousers got out from the rear compartment. The driver also got out and then went round to the back of the car. He hauled a suitcase out from the boot, airline labels still attached to the handle. The man in the orange T-shirt handed over a few notes, saying thank you in Spanish. As the taxi rumbled off, the man stretched, yawning widely. His dark hair was dishevelled and stubble darkened his lower face. He glanced at the chunky rubber watch on his wrist and then up at the 14th century watchtower.
The young family had now reached the top of the walkway and the father leading his young son by the hand was about to enter when he froze, eyes wide. A heavy thud suddenly came from inside. The mother cradled their other child and stopped in her tracks, watching her husband intently. The attendant at the foot of the tower looked up. There was then another thud and the clatter of stone against stone. Father and son both flinched and back-pedalled quickly. The third thud was accompanied by a noise that sounded like the bellow of an ox. The father scooped up his boy and the whole family fled, screaming off the walkway. Behind them there was a loud, metallic clang and the bellow once again.
The man in the orange T-Shirt vaulted past the family, his boots reverberating on the steel sheeting as he sprinted up the walkway. At the top, he paused, peering into the gloom. The chamber inside was square with a low ceiling. On the opposite side, a flight of steps led up to an opening in the ceiling. Sunlight flooded onto the top few steps providing the only source of light. In the middle of the stone floor, there was a gaping hole. A cloud of dust was beginning to settle over the freshly disturbed floor stones around the hole. At the foot of the steps, a mangled iron gate was still rocking gently from side to side. A musty odour emanated from within. Just then, something threw a shadow across the top steps and a shuffling noise could be heard from above. The man scrambled across the chamber, leapt over the wrecked gate and bounded up the steps, taking them two at a time.
The purple humanoid was at least eight feet tall, weighing around 700lbs. Huge muscles rolled beneath its leathery hide. It had its back to the man as he sprang up onto the roof. As the creature span around, its huge, prehensile feet made heavy, thudding noises. Its eyes were completely black, glistening wetly. The inhuman face contorted to reveal pointed yellow teeth as it burst forward, giant fists lifted up above its head.
The man threw himself to the side and the creature slammed into the ramparts. The wall heaved under the impact and a few of the centuries old stones smashed onto the street below. As the creature shook itself, the man leapt onto it’s back, using both arms to encircle the thick neck. Its eyes rolled and gagging noises escaped from its gaping mouth. Instinctively the creature reached back and clawed at the man. There was the sound of ripping cloth as the orange T-shirt was stripped away, but the man remained in place. The creature continued to claw at its assailant for a few moments. Then it threw itself backwards, slamming the man against the ramparts. More stones fell away but the man held firm. Again it hurled itself backwards and stones ground against each other. This time it lost it’s balance and toppled over the side. Man and creature plummeted to earth, a cloud of dust erupting as they impacted. For a moment both lay on the pavement panting, then the creature kicked around and staggered to its feet. Those arms still encircled its neck. Giant veins on its forehead and neck bulged.
The sound was like that made by a thick piece of wood being snapped. The creature dropped to its knees and then crumpled to the ground. For a few seconds, nothing moved. Then the man released his hold and clambered to his feet. He stood there panting for a few moments before going over to get his suitcase, pulling out another orange T-shirt and pulling it on. As the attendant emerged from behind the tower staring at the huge purple body on the pavement, the man crossed the road and disappeared down an alleyway.
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Cool Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 7th November 2006 |
I have to say you had me after just reading the authors notes (made me laugh) but this was good honest comic hero stuff and I really liked it. The very best thing, is how visual this is. You really get a feeling for the environment. It does start with an awkward double beat; 'The sun was blazing down from high up in the sky' high up are basically two words describing the same thing and throws the reader a little, did me anyways. You could get rid of either one if you wanted. There were a couple other occassions of these double descriptors I think. I visualised the metal walkway and the tower and the family as being a way off so had trouble imagining how agent orange got there so quick and didnt quit get the inside of the watchtower before agent orange started on his silky moves, I kind of think the purple geezer just fell from the sky through the roof. Can't wait to read more. |
Re: Cool Written by Radishimo (12 comments posted) 7th November 2006 |
Hey there Johniebg, thanks for taking the time to comment and especially for pointing out those double beats, I'll have to keep an eye on that. The purple dude was supposed to have emerged from the gaping hole in the floor of the tower and then run up the stairs. I guess my narrative was a bit pants there! Again, thanks for the feedback. |
good going bro Written by footy (20 comments posted) 29th November 2006 |
well done on finishing tis the hardest hurdle interesting title - to do with Agent Orange in Vietnam? Good: -very colourful and visual -read like a manga script To work on: -the protagonist is a bit distant, the reader needs to be able to connect more Suggestions: -might try present tense for more immediacy PTD (+wifely) |
Re: good going bro Written by Radishimo (12 comments posted) 30th November 2006 |
Hey guys, thanks for taking the time to read. Useful feedback, I will ponder. And I've just looked up Agent Orange in Wikipedia, the name was purely coincidental. A nasty herbicide used in the Vietnam war - not a great name for a hero really! I guess it underlines the need to research your names and titles a little. |
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