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Poetry
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Ways
By tasteslike_cacophony
08 November 2006
losers never forward
and kissers never lie
but what lies beneath the couragous ending
is always a guess i cannot afford to make
what lies behind this circuitry of confusion
is another unexplored territory

and so i'd rather lay here alone
i'd rather lay alone.

and some might find that winners never fall backward
that fuckers never die
but what truths do we see behind our lense
but fail to follow?
a guess we always fail to make
what lies in truth and what is simply borrowed
so i'd rather lay here alone
and so i'd rather lay alone

and why we not simply believe
what it is we are given day to day
what is truth if truth is covered in lies?
what use is it if God herself showed with cup in hand
drink of morales and kindness
while He shook his face in sorrow
we will never learn
and no God could ever show us
what is real or what is in place

and so i'd rather lay alone
i'd rather lay alone

phalic subways we ride each way
the in outs of city life
so perverse
in it's most realistic sense
how does one of fruit and flavor
keep herself from being emotionally beaten to pulp?
with such odacity
the snake will forever haunt Eve's footpath

and so i'd much rather lay alone
i would rather lay alone.

so as we worry on our life away
of misery contempt and dismay
here is where i'll lay
alone, and
here is where i will lay.

Reviews
Oh dear...
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 7th November 2006
To0 many spelling and grammatical mistakes to list.  
 
It beats me why anyone would aspire to poetry when they can't spell or get things in the right tense. Learn to walk before you try the 100 metre hurdles. 
 
Oli :?

Written by shakermaker (48 comments posted) 8th November 2006
It could be better written, it could be more thought out but it's got some good ideas. Am I right in thinking it's the womans struggle? 
I think you could come up with a better title if I'm honest.# 
I really, really like the line:what lies in truth and what is simply borrowed I think we all make decisions or judegments or ideas that are from our own heart or are simply taken from someone else, and in some cases the line blurs, so we don't know where we're getting the thoughts from.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 8th November 2006
There are some interesting things in this but all too often they are being swallowed by unnecessary 'flowery' language', for me at least. If I was to make a suggestion (feel free to disregard) it would be that you really concentrate on the bits of this that you think you like, get rid of the rest and rebuild it concentrating on what you want us, as readers, to take away from this piece after we have read it. 
 
All the best 
 
Elli
Ha ha ha.
Written by Hierophant (2 comments posted) 8th November 2006
Oh Talisker, oh the illusion of superiority. 
 
Riddle me this: What is art without interpretation?  
 
Answer: You.  
 
Art is not always straightforward, art is not always upfront and blunt, art is beautiful when done correctly (and I think this is), and beauty is far more then I think you percieve it to be.  
 
It's folks like you that would stifle aspiring writers and poets with your harsh and abrasive insults. Do me a favor and cool the ego down a bit and let the head that's on your shoulders do a bit of thinking. You don't look cool when you shove your will into other people's mouths, it makes you look like a jackass. 
 
I for one enjoyed the piece, though obviously I'd have to agree with the comment about spelling errors. Of course, spelling isn't very hard to fix, so it should be the least of your problems. I'd love to dicuss the deeper meaning of this with you sometime.

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 9th November 2006
Read your three poems that you've posted. Typically (for a man, you might think) there are lots of things I don't quite follow. I think a lot of what Elli says makes good sense. For me, this has many good phrases and ideas, but it does need paring down and refining. I guess it depends on why you write. For yourself, fine, but if for others, and I assume that's the case as it's posted, then some redrafting might be in order. 
 
Spelling and grammar are very important and as Hierophant correctly says, they are easily fixed. Also worth the time and effort. Incidentaly, Oli may be blunt, but not a jackass. 
 
Hope this is of worth to you, 
 
Phil.

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