Walking a tight-rope. Diary of a Bacchanal Part 3a
This is harder than I thought it would be. I’ve already reached a dangerous crossroads.
The time is 18.52 on Wednesday 8th November 2006, and I have just stared failure straight in the eyes. The eyes were mine, but not mine, the eyes of my Mr. Hyde, my drinking self. Five minutes ago I was building ridiculous intellectual constructs to justify the unjustifiable. I was even trying to sell them to weasel. It went something like:
“Why are you so cheery? It’s because I’m not drinking isn’t it? Must I have the weight, the pressure of your expectation on top of everything else? Why can’t you be neutral, drink or no drink, and let me fight my own battle?” Then most absurdly;
“If I do end up drinking, it will be your fault. You put pressure on me when I must do it for myself”.
So I decided to run for the cover of the shack to see if I could write my way through it. I’m sorely tempted though. I know that if I do drink, I’ll feel dirty, a traitor to myself, a failure, a weakling, all of these things. Ironically, the fear of failure seems to make failure more likely. Like the fear of falling. This is a bad time to be looking down.
Perhaps I can concentrate on Gerard’s positive comments – make a mantra of them.
“I’m worthy, I’m clever, people like me, I can write” – nah, knock that on the head. It feels stupid and selfish. Besides, I don’t recognise myself in those words.
19.07, the minutes are passing like treacle drips. The safety of 22.00 is still a long way off. What is to be done?
The fear of letting my few readers down is significant. I imagine stepping up to the breach tomorrow, red of face, confronting those who offered support and kindness, only to be repaid with weakness and failure. I chose to have your expectation, so I can’t complain about that, can I. Weasel’s expectation comes in a more organic way. I guess you could call it love.
I’m off to hide beneath the duvet. Perhaps the sandman will come to my rescue and carry me over the 22.00 line. I think there may be a 3b tonight, sorry folks!
Oli. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 8th November 2006 | My husband, who likes to drink better than he should, really sympathizes with you. Tonight, he resisted the urge to buy himself a small flask of brandy. He has managed on one beer tonight. He was whining about this -- how hard it had been for him to have only one beer -- and I showed him your blog. His comment was that YOU would understand how hard it had been for him. He says that you should take comfort in small victories. Don't have just one goal -- have many little ones.
So now you've got one more person out there hoping you'll make it past the mark. And if you do, maybe he'll go a little easier on his liver too.
| Thanks Witzl
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 8th November 2006 | I've just come back and read this. Tell Mr. Witzl that I'm still hanging on in there. Watch out, whisky makes you frisky, brandy makes you randy. Wine just makes you whine.
The sandman gave an hour, then the blasted phone rang. It was for Weasel, but of course I was awake and that was it. So here I am again - I think I'll have to review Patterjack's back catalogue to see this one through!
Tell your hubby thank you from Oli. He's absolutely right about the little targets. 10.00 will do for me at the moment. I may treat myself to a hot bath - something rewarding to the senses might help. You know Witzl, I think you've both seen me over another crevasse!
Oli  | A word at last
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 8th November 2006 | I have not commented here before , because there is little to say other than that I hope you make it . It is , I am happy to say , a path that I myself managed to avoid , but I do have a faint inkling of your problem .
If you meant that Dondingalong helps ,that would be a wonderful thing and I would be highly appreciative to hear you ssay so!
Good luck and hang in there .
Brian the pattterjack
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 8th November 2006 | Sorry to contradict you Oli.
Gerard's right in this case. You are worthy, clever, people like you, you can write.
You may not recognise yourself in those words, but from where I'm sitting, they're true. The second and last are evident from your many posts, and the first and third are proved by the reviews you're receiving.
Hope all is well.
All the best,
Phil.
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 8th November 2006 | Two more tips for getting to sleep:
Get a computer nerd to explain the hexadecimal representation of color to you. This is so deadly boring that even when I was feeling anxious and rather insomniac, it sent me off every time. Miraculous.
Another one is something I've only recently discovered. You sit with your neck stretched as far forward as is comfortable and rotate your head very gently and slowly from side to side, from one shoulder to the other. Do that a number of times and see if it doesn't work. Or try them both together, if possible. (Guess you'd have to strap your phone to your head if you didn't have your nerd right there with you.)
Hang in there! |
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 8th November 2006 | Few readers? Have you seen how quickly your hit rate rises when you post. I should have so few readers. This is like the Saturday Morning Pictures serial, or the Archers, only exciting. It's like watching the Perils of Penelope, only with your Mum in the lead role.
OK, that's just brought a rather unpleasant image of you in my Mum's dress, but what I mean to say is we are avidly consuming your diary because the story involves someone we (virtually) know, struggling in real time with the villain, and we have no assurance that the hero will get the girl in the last reel. Never mind you, think of us. We want to be kept on the edge of our seats till Christmas.
I have to disagree with Witzl though. Is there a purer art form than binary? When I see a hexadecimal subnet mask I choke up. Quite literally. Of course being a nerd that is paid to explain these things may colour my view somewhat. | Hey, Its 3 am...
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 8th November 2006 | And here I am commenting on my own earlier rant.
"Is there a purer art form than binary?" Snodders, you got me thinking. This is a binary undertaking. 1 - for success, 0 - for failure. No other digits needed.
I did say there would be a 3b...
Oli  |
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