Great Writing - Home > Short S. > Bloody Vampire
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1213 guests online and 6 members online
Shorts
Bloody Vampire
By peeano1
10 November 2006
......

   Slowly, she felt her canines growing. They became sharper and elongated into monstrous fangs. Her sight became sharper and the environment around her became a variety of colors. Sensing that she was not alone, she quickly turned around and met face to face with the man she most feared.
   "What are you doing here?" she whispered hoarsely.
   He didn't respond but moved closer to her. She backed away slightly, not sure of his intentions.
   "What are you doing here?" she repeated.
   He reached out and touched her arm. She shuddered and tried to back away but his grip was deadly. He drew her towards him until his face was just inches away.
   "Where do you think you're going? You belong to me and you can not stay like this."
   As she struggled, his grip was held tight. Feeling anger rising, she tried to make a quick swipe for his neck, but he stopped her. Her eyes bulged while she gritted her teeth. The poison in her fangs was growing and growing.
   "Stay away, Alec. You don't know me anymore. I don't belong to you."
   He smiled and exposed his long fangs. "Yes you do. I created you and therefore you belong to me. You can run as far as you want but you can't hide from me."
   Lowering his head, his fangs touched the side of her neck. She tried to push him away but his fangs dug deeper and deeper. Relaxingly, he drank a bit of blood from her while her vision went blurry. Her body went limp and her knees began to sag.
   Alec held his little fledging and grinned. "There, there", he whispered in her ear. She was as precious to him as a baby. Being his only fledging, she was the only one he had ever cared. Yes, she was rebellious but he could see that she was only afraid of him. If only she could learn to trust him.
   Arriving with incredible supernatural speed, he placed her on his bed and covered the blankets over her. Stepping back, he went to the kitchen and paced back and forth. It would only be time when dawn came and he would be forced to take cover. Stretching out on a couch, he remembered the days he was a regular human. From the time he was an innocent scholar, he was skeptical of vampires. But then, one day changed his life. It as the time when he had studied far late into the night at the university. Walking towards his car in the darkness, he noticed a figure ahead and then he blacked out. A few hours after, he found himself lying on the ground with blood surrounding him. Over a week, he had changed from human to vampire.
   Closing his eyes, he rested until night came back to wake him.
   Opening her eyes, she glanced around to see Alec standing before her. He was gazing at her curiously and it only made her more nervous. In any second, he could destroy her if he wanted to. After all, he was a very powerful vampire. Strange because he was already stronger than the vampires who were centuries older than him.
   "Alec, why did you bring me here?"
   "You needed shelter to surround you."
   "I thank you for your generosity." Hesitantly, she slid off the bed and was escorted to the kitchen. Seating herself, she could see that Alec was still watching her as she gazed longinly at the fridge.
   There will be nothing in it. He no longer eats food as have I.
   Shaking her head, she tried to concentrate on other things.
   "I see you have taken a liking to particular things."
   Looking up at him, she tried to enter his mind but it was blank.
   Dang. How can he block his thoughts from everybody?
   "You block your thoughts from others", she blurted.
   Nodding knowingly, he answered, "Yes, my fledging."
   She winced a bit.
   Drawing her hands towards him, he examined the tips of her fingers a bit.
   "Strong and light", he observed. "And fingers with quick cleverness. You have always been an impressive predator."
   Snatching her hands away, she said fiercely, "I am not a predator. I don't kill for pleasure but for my own survival."
   "Which technically means a predator. The prey you overtake are vulnerable towards you. You take advantage of their weakness and use it to your advantage. Don't be ashamed of what you are. It's just how we work."
   "We work?" Her eyebrows tilted slightly up.
   "Ah, yes, my dear. It's us that makes the world more balanced should I say. What's too much can not control itself. By just taking a bit from what the prey has, we can make them more controlled while our tastes are satisfied."
   "I wish I wasn't a vampire", she grumbled.
   His hand cupped her chin and tilted it to his gaze. "As I said before, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Remember that you wanted this in the first place. I can not let you do anything to yourself just because you don't want to be a vampire. And also, you are mine. Don't do anything stupid that will make me force harsh consequences on you. I'll be back." With a wave of his hand, he vanished into thin air.

   She wandered off into the night. With no thought of whatsoever in mind, her mind focused on the sole taste of blood. She felt the urge. The pressure was making her almost insane. Finally, her senses told her that a human was near. Growling softly, she hid herself carefully in the shadows and waited.
   The human was a young man of about twenty. He was very lanky and skinny, a bit awkward in his movements. The vampiress licked her lips greedily. Tonight, she would feast. Revealing herself, she approached the human. He stared at her. Her beauty was amazing and blinding.
   "Come, my sweet", she crooned.
   Luring him into her trap, she circled her arms around him and chose the tender spot to sink her fangs in. Once the taste of blood came to her lips, she sucked greedily. In a few minutes, the man was sucked dry. His pale motionless body was left on the ground. The vampiress dragged his body to the nearest river and dumped him.
   She was full now but soon her hunger would growl once more. Walking onwards, she found a place to reside for the moment. The cabin was empty but it would be the perfect spot for her to rest. Leaning her head against the wall, she closed her eyes. Even as her eyes closed, she was on the look-out. In case anyone came, she would be prepared. If a human happened to cross paths, she would enjoy yet another delicious meal.

Reviews

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 10th November 2006
Peeano1, I have just looked at your profile and I now know that you are a middle school student. Considering that, this is really an impressive effort. My children are also middle school age and I am not sure that they would come up with anything this inventive or well-structured.  
 
This strikes me as being a little too close to Anne Rice's vampire tales (the story of the father's conversion to vampirism in particular), so you might want to rewrite that part to make it more obviously different. 
 
There is something very interesting here; this is obviously a normal parent-teenager relationship, but with a nice, sinister edge to it: daddy predator and daughter predator, with all the facets of your average parent-teen conflict in place. The daughter is anxious to show that she is different from her father and to establish her independence from him, and the father is protective of his daughter and perhaps a bit too controlling.  
 
Having said that, there is a lot here that you can improve. My advice to you is to go out and read as many short stories as you can. Chekhov was my favorite at your age, but I also loved deMaupassant and Bernard Malamud.  
 
If you can do this well already, you've already made a very good start.  

Written by peeano1 (86 comments posted) 10th November 2006
That's interesting. I never any of Anne Rice's books. I just became interested in vampires but never read about them much. The father and daughter relationship was a good inference you made but I was thinking about a different type of relationship. Since this is only a rough draft, I'm planning to lengthen this story and make more changes. Thanks for your advice. :)

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item