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Poetry
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This Dawn
By no1butClo
10 November 2006
overdone? half baked? Review it I pray you, 'cause I'm really not sure...

This dawn holds nothing for me.
I can't condone the daylight as it seeps
between the bedsheets, gilding my loss,
granting a halo to emtpy space.

I wondered through the night whether this
lover might stay. It seems my dreams
were not to be trusted.
 
I roll over and clench my fists,
the taxi pulls away;
this dawn holds nothing for me.

Reviews

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 10th November 2006
This works for me. Simply and elegantly told.

Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 10th November 2006
me too.. simple but great impact on reader. 
 
cheers, 
rilLie

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 10th November 2006
Tried to review this earlier but it doesn't seem to have stuck! Suffice to say I enjoyed it, something about it touches me. I had to read it a couple if times but enojoyed it every time. Great stuff 
 
Elli
Very well written
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 10th November 2006
For some reason I baulk at the thought of feminine vulnerability though - but thats only because I know you are female, it doesn't say so in the poem. I bet though if 100 people read this blind, 90% would think "deserted woman" - that would be an interesting experiment. 
 
Vey skillfully worded as always Clo. Your writing belies your tender age. 
 
Oli 
 
 
 
:)

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3352 comments posted) 10th November 2006
I can understand why you're not sure. It's a bit slight and cliched, to continue the cooking metaphor- a souffle that didn't quite rise. However I'm the token non-poet here so feel free to ignore. 

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 10th November 2006
It does seem a tad bitty somehow; I think the idea lacks cohesion. The line "This dawn holds nothing for me" is a bit clichéd, though the next three lines are lovely descriptions. I also like the penultimate lines but I think this piece could do with some development- the injection of a lover in the second stanza seems a bit sudden. Good work :)

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 10th November 2006
Brief but effective. It does tell of more than the 'story' as Oli has already said. Vulnerability, loneliness? 
 
Well written. Odd how the same piece effects different people in different ways. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.
O___O
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 11th November 2006
wow...many reviews 
 
thanks guys :)

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