Scene One
The scene is set for the bridge of the Starship Explorer PYT. There are panels with flashy lights, important-looking buttons and levers, and one large captain's chair. The crew are moving about the stage pushing buttons, watching screens and entering data. STARMAN JOKER pilots the ship from downstage left, and doesn't leave his station. Some energetic space-type music is playing the background.
During the following dialogue there will be a pause after each character speaks - the stage and everyone on it will freeze during the pause as a member of the backstage crew, dressed in black, comes on holding a large card with the name of that character and the name of the actor playing them (e.g. Anne Smith as Captain Kirby).

KIRBY: 
Starman Geek, report.
GEEK: 
Well sir, the astrometric phase-distributors are out of alignment, there is a malfunction in the starboard thrusters and the release switch for the anti-matter photon torpedoes are disintegrating.

KIRBY looks enquiringly at NUMBER TWO

TWO: 
He means we are having a few technical problems sir.
KIRBY: 
Can you fix it?
GEEK: 
Yes sir, if I reconfigure the deflector dish to emit an anti-photon burst every few seconds it should...
KIRBY: 
(Interrupting) Carry on Geek.
GEEK:  
Yes sir (he goes off to fix the ship)
KIRBY: 
What is it Brains?
BRAINS: 
Captain our new communications officer has arrived... Starman Miniskirt this is Captain Kirby.
KIRBY: 
Well hello...
MINISKIRT: 
It is a pleasure to be on board the finest ship in P.A.N.T.S. But is this really the right uniform?
TWO: 
Eh hum, you will be stationed over here, at the communications desk.
JOKER: 
Captain, we are approaching Greenie, repeat, Greenie is dead ahead.
KIRBY: 
Stay on course. Computer, how long till we reach orbit?
COMPUTER: 
Three minutes and sixteen seconds.
LOGIC: 
Actually it is three minutes and sixteen point seven six seconds Earth time. If I may, sir, at our present speed and trajectory we would dive straight through the planet's atmosphere and crash-land somewhere on the northern continent. The chances of survival for any of the crew are less than zero point six percent.
BRAVE: 
Captain! Please allow me to take the helm while you all evacuate using the escape pods. I will attempt to crash the ship carefully into the nearest ocean, causing as little damage as possible.
BRAINS: 
Starman Brave; firstly the brakes are fine and the ship is perfectly capable of slowing down. Secondly - we have autopilot!
DOCTOR: 
(Entering) Captain, I demand to know who has been interfering with my program - again! I cannot be expected to practice medicine dressed like this!
NURSE: 
(Following DOCTOR) I'm so sorry Captain; I think Starman Joker has been having one of his little jokes again.
KIRBY: 
So I see. Joker?
JOKER: 
Not me Captain. Although I must say Doctor, you can operate on me any day dressed like that!
DOCTOR: 
I am a medical hologram, not a dress-me-up Barbie!

The DOCTOR storms out followed closely by NURSE.

NERVOUS: 
C... C... C... Captain?
KIRBY: 
Yes Starman Nervous?
NERVOUS: 
I... I... h... h... have those c... c... con... contact in... in...
KIRBY: 
Instructions?
NERVOUS: 
Yes. From P... P... P... P.A.N.T.S. c... command.
KIRBY: 
Good, let's have them. Ah I see... yes... ok... right then. It seems that the Little Green Men prefer to work in larger groups - we should send a whole team down to make contact. How do you fancy an away mission Nervous?
NERVOUS: 
(Looking terrified) I...I... I...
TWO: 
Perhaps we should let one of the red-shirts go Captain?
KIRBY: 
Good idea. I'll take Commander Logic and Joker will pilot.
TWO: 
Captain, you can't possibly go on a mission to new planet - the locals might be hostile! Let me go in your place. Commander Logic, please get the Star-Pod ready for launch.
LOGIC: 
Yes sir.
BRAINS: 
I will return with a full report on first contact Captain.
KIRBY: 
Make it so.

The three REDSHIRTS are seen playing ‘rock, paper, scissors' to see who will go on the away mission this time. They are all very reluctant to go. The loser drags his feet over to where the ‘away team' are ready to go. They exit together. Fade lights.

Scene Two

The curtains open on the brightly-lit shuttle: A mini version of the bridge. TWO, BRAINS, LOGIC and REDSHIRT are standing to attention, while JOKER makes the preparations for take-off. ‘Final Countdown' is playing and JOKER counts down over the music. After take-off the team go about their duties.

BRAINS: 
Must we really go through this every time we take the shuttle out?
TWO: 
It's a P.A.N.T.S. directive
JOKER: 
It's pants all right. That song is SO dated!
TWO: 
No, no. I mean it's an official P.A.N.T.S. take-off ceremony. We are under obligation to follow procedure.
LOGIC: 
Actually sir, under section eighty-four point nine of the Planetary Alliance of National Travel in Space manual for command ships, the ‘Europe' countdown is only applicable for the launch of shuttles on missions to distribute karaoke to alien races.
JOKER: 
So you are the one responsible for the outbreak of disco fever in the gamma quadrant!
TWO:  
I like the song, ok?
REDSHIRT: 
Number Two, sir, I am detecting traces of neutronium in the planet's atmosphere.
TWO: 
That's good Redshirt. You should log all interesting scans into the main computer.
BRAINS: 
I think you will find that is not a good thing, Two.
LOGIC: 
If I may sir, Neutronium has been known to cause severe malfunctions in the turbo coils of ‘P' class Star Pods, resulting in complete engine failure. Taking into consideration the density of the neutronium and the current level of shielding, I would calculate the chances of engine failure as approximately one hundred percent.
JOKER: 
Approximately one hundred?
TWO: 
How long do we have? Do we have time to land?
REDSHIRT: 
The turbo coils are malfunctioning; engines are failing. Prepare for crash landing.
LOGIC: The chances of at least one crew member not surviving a crash landing are more than eighty seven point two percent.
REDSHIRT: 
Oh great.
JOKER: 
What's your problem?
REDSHIRT: 
Well none of you are going to die are you? You are all named characters...
BRAINS: 
No time for that - Joker watch out!

JOKER yanks on the controls and the whole Star Pod sways to the left, shown bay all the characters either leaning or falling to the left (in time!)

JOKER: 
(grinning) that was a close one! Brace yourselves people, it's gonna get bumpy.
REDSHIRT: 
We are going to crash!

The crew all bump and jostle about miming the ship falling to the ground. There are a few timed bumps as it skids along the ground before coming to a stop. LOGIC gets straight up and starts fiddling with the computer/engines. JOKER looks out the window.

BRAINS: 
Is everyone ok?
TWO: 
Can we communicate with the Captain?
JOKER: 
I don't believe it. We landed in a tree!
REDSHIRT:  
(getting up slowly) I am alive. I made it! I survived the crash!

The Star Pod gives a big lurch and everyone is thrown to the ground as they fall out of the tree. REDSHIRT hits his head on a control panel and dies.

LOGIC: 
He's dead sir.

The others carry him to the side of the Star Pod and assess the damage. They don't seem too worried about the death.

TWO: 
What sort of damage are we looking at?
JOKER: 
Navigation systems are down. So are communications.
TWO: 
How am I going to tell Captain Kirby?
LOGIC: 
Considering the Star Pod's supplies and our technical abilities I would calculate our chances of being able to successfully repair the ship at less than seventeen point nine percent.
BRAINS: 
Commander Logic, let's try and stay optimistic shall we?
TWO: 
First of all we have to complete our mission. This is our first contact with Little Green Men and we want it to go well.
BRAINS: 
I need time to prepare then. We have no idea how these aliens are going to react to our presence.
JOKER: 
Well it looks like we are about to find out.

A large group of small green aliens surrounds the Star Pod making collective ‘ooooh' and ‘aaaah' sounds. They appear quite threatening to those inside the ship by tapping, poking and pulling various bits on the ship.

TWO: 
What are they doing?
JOKER: 
They are everywhere!
BRIANS: 
There are so many of them!
LOGIC: 
There are two hundred and seven alien beings outside the ship, and if this scanner is functioning correctly, seven hundred and eighty one more are on their way to this location. The chances of our survival in a conflict situation are...
JOKER: 
(interrupting) Stop! We really don't want to know!
BRAINS: 
They aren't being very friendly are they?
JOKER: 
What did you expect a welcome banner and hula girls serenading you as you walk down a red carpet?
BRAINS: 
It would be nice...
JOKER: 
We are lucky they don't want to eat us!
LOGIC: 
Actually, this particular race of aliens are herbivores.
JOKER: 
Are you sure? They look hungry to me.
BRAINS: 
Just for once, I would like to be able to leave the ship without being in mortal danger.
TWO: 
Please try and control yourselves; remember you are P.A.N.T.S. officers. We need a plan. Now, what would the captain do?
BRAINS: 
Command Logic, do you think that alien is trying to communicate with us?

LITTLE GREEN LEADER has climbed up onto the shuttle and is waving through the front window at the crew inside.

JOKER: 
Cute little fella, isn't he? (Knocks on the window) hello there!
LEADER: 
Eeeeeeeeeeeee! (Jumps backwards)
BRAINS: 
Don't upset it!
TWO:  
What is it doing?
LOGIC: 
I believe it wants us to open the door, sir.
JOKER: 
Not likely.
TWO:  
It's pointing at something.
JOKER:
The engines?
LOGIC: 
Number Two, I believe the aliens have fixed our engines. Communications and navigation are also back online.
JOKER: 
Clever little critters (bangs on window again)
BRAINS: 
(exaggerating words) Thank you. You have been very helpful (Bows to the alien leader).
LEADER: 
Aaah, aaah, aaaaaaaaah!
LGM:  
Aaah, aaah, aaaaaaaaah!
TWO:  
Don't just stand there Brains, let them in!
BRAINS: 
Of course sir.

He opens the hatch and allows LEADER and four LITTLE GREEN MEN  into the Star Pod. While BRAINS talks the aliens proceed to look around the Pod ‘aaahing' and ‘ooohing' at various things. The go slightly offstage and become very excited about something the audience cannot see.

BRAINS: 
Welcome, Little Green Men of planet Greenie. We are representatives of P.A.N.T.S. the Planetary Alliance of National Travel in Space and we come in peace. Our starship, the PYT Explorer sent us to make contact with you in the hope that we could become friends. We are extremely grateful for your help in fixing our Star Pod and hope we are able to offer you something suitable in exchange. If there is anything you...

BRAINS pauses as he realises what the LGM are fascinated by, and during the pause we hear a toilet flush. JOKER opens his mouth to say something but is nudged sharply by TWO and shuts it. BRAINS tries to divert the attention of the LEADER but he is not to be swayed from the wonders of the toilet.

BRAINS: 
Like I was saying, we can offer you food, medical supplies, technology, literature... we have access to star charts for the whole of this part of the galaxy... oh very well. Commander Logic, go and get a screwdriver.

LOGIC exits to dismantle the toilet and the LGM crowd round BRAINS praising him and chanting ‘uurr' in a musical way.

TWO:  
The captain is never going to believe this.
JOKER: 
I don't believe it!
BRAINS: 
My esteemed little green men. It has been an honour to meet you all.
LEADER: 
Eeeeeeeee!
LGM:  
Eeeeeeeee!

BRAINS shows the LGM to the door and they join the others around the ship - they chat excitedly amongst themselves, waving and pointing. LOGIC re-enters and the crew prepare the Star Pod for take off.

JOKER: 
Ten... nine... eight...
TWO:  
It just doesn't feel the same without the music.
JOKER: 
Seven... six... five...
LOGIC: 
All systems are functioning within acceptable parameters.
JOKER: 
Four... three... two...
BRAINS: 
What intelligent aliens!
JOKER: 
One... we have lift off!

Fade lights. End of scene two.