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By rilLie
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13 November 2006 |
wrote this last Saturday on the trip home from school, thanking God for the blessed heavy traffic that allowed me to write.. this is completely experimental... i've never tried writing without rhymes before and i do find it quite peculiar.... well.. tell me what you guys think. Lost in a song,
in a whirlpool of nightmares
in a river of sadness
of flowing sorrow.
Tears undone.
End of the road.
Non-existent incandescence.
Smoke trapped,
not rising in the air.
Drowning in darkness.|
Lost in a Song
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 13th November 2006 | | RiLie: You are amazing. I have just written about my father who was in the first world war, (non fiction) and have been re-reading in "Bird-Song" by Sebastian Faulks about the battle he was in. Goodness how you did it, but you captured the spirit of it in your poem. In one part, a tunnel collapsed and the men felt that it was the end of the road, smoke trapped, no rising air, drowning in darkness. Goodness me, you must have been reading the same chapter! It was all so awful. Many died, so their tears were undone - and I am sure there were angels there to lift them from all of that. You must read that book now - especially the last few chapters. It seems as if a spirit of one of them caused you to write these words! Amazing! I often wonder where words come from and if we are helped with them. Enough! |
Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 13th November 2006 | thank you!!! i have no idea where the words came from.. i just wrote them! i'll try to find the book... Bird Song.....
-rilLie | STOP PRESS!!!
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 13th November 2006 | SUSPEND ALL THEOLOGICAL DEBATE -
A "spiritual corridor" has been discovered between the Yorkshire Dales and Indonesia!!!
Sorry riLLie, you may have an audience of one for this poem. Clearly you wrote it whilst possessed by the spirit of Josie's father. God does work in mysterious ways! 
As for the poem, not being familiar with the "derring-do" of Josie's dad in the Great Debacle 1914-18, I can't possibly comment! 
Oli | To riLie
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 13th November 2006 | | I think you understood that my father has never entered into what I said, or anyone else that I know of. I mentioned the people who were the characters in Bird Song, a book by Sebastian Faulks. I'm wondering if my English is not clear. Hope you understood it. To sum it up, I think it was one of your best poems and please keep writing. |
Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 13th November 2006 | ???... i understand Josie, actually... no idea what Oli just said, though. 
-rilLie |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 14th November 2006 | A successful attempt I felt. Not entirely sure where it left me, but I enjoyed it in a kind of unsatisfied way. What I'm trying to say is (i think) I like the sound, the words and the flow, but was left a little empty by the subject matter. Perhaps another verse to round it off?
Hope this doesn't sound all negative, as it's not meant to be.
All the best,
Phil. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 14th November 2006 | Interesting, a bit of a departure for you and largely successful I thought. I don't think you really need both 'river of sadness' and 'flowing sorrow' you're duplicating the image whihc is more forgivable in a longer piece but in something this short you can;t really get away with it so maybe change the image slightly?
Same thing with 'smoke trapped' and 'rising in the air' you're essentially saying the same thing twice. I liked 'drowning in darkness' because you brought the water theme back but you ended up using a bit of a cliche which weakens the ending.
You created an interesting idea here but it does need polishing, if you're going to write something this short then every word has to be relevant to the image you're trying to portray. I thought this was a nice development to your writing.
Elli |
Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 18th November 2006 | | ohwhkhei. |
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