Self-confessed sexist, Luton Town football club boss Mike Newell, made a remarkable volte-face yesterday evening, after it was announced that former Baywatch star Tracey Bingham would referee his team’s next home game against Burnley.

“I don’t know what came over me when I made all those unsavoury comments about women taking charge,” said the sexually impotent, four-times divorced, avid Baywatch fan. “I mean what do I care if some bimbo in black fails to spot a vital last-minute penalty that will cost the club millions, just because she’s doing her nails”.

Whilst admitting that make-up mirrors gave women a far more comprehensive view of the field of play, the British Minister for Sport (as yet unidentifiable) felt that the F.A.’s attempt to introduce modern ideas in Luton was far too ambitious. “There are standard Government procedures for any half-baked experiments like these,” he said. ”We try them out first in Scotland.”

Proposals for Anthea Turner to referee the next Celtic-Rangers game were greeted warmly by supporters of both teams. “Ah guess it’s been a wee while since she’s ‘ad sixty-thousand men callin’ ‘er a raving “cocksucker” non-stop for ninety minutes,” said Jimmy MacJimmy, the landlord of the Firkin Bigot. “But at least she’ll leave the place tidy, eh.”
 
Speaking from his temporary abode at his mother’s house, Mike Newell remained convinced that his team’s next match was in good hands:

“Tracey will be perfect. As a lifeguard, she will know her way around a whistle. As an American woman, she will know as much about "saarker" as any current Premiership referee. And as Tracey, she will be more than used to provoking an excitable reaction in British men during the cold December evenings.”

Luton Town are now sponsored by Kleenex.