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Poetry
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Valentine's Night
By kitten_princess
13 November 2006
Another offering to GW...

Please comment! [I haven't written for a little while, I feel a bit rusty.]


[UPDATE: Some slight changes to layout!]

If I called you tonight,
would you listen?

I know things went wrong, but, please,
Hear me out.

I'll write a monologue for you;
an I'm-So-Very-Sorry speech
better than any we'd seen together
in the back row of the Odeon...

We were such a happy couple.

I'll go to the corner shop,
see the abandoned Valentine cards,
then I'll cry for each glitter dusted Cupid
and come back, attempt to explain myself -

An impossible task -
but, maybe, it'll work.

She's just a fading memory, you know,
some mascara smudged on my pillow,
a stale coffee ring on a bedside table.
I can rub her away so easily

Not you though.

Just
Please come back.

Reviews
Nicely Disjointed
Written by Tenchi (14 comments posted) 13th November 2006
I like the fragmented style and the resultant pauses work to give you just enough time to absorb what you've just read without being annoying. 
 
The imagery is poignant and touching and the piece as a whole has an impact despite being so compact.  
 
It has a rather beguling tone as if it could have been written by a man about a woman, or a woman about a woman (That may just be my rather warped sense of sentiment and romance though).  
 
The more I read this the more I like it.  
 
 
 
flen
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 13th November 2006
I'm not so keen, the fragmentation seemed a little too broken for me. perhaps I'm jsut no in the mood for melancholy...will review again at alter date =D 
 
x clo x

Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 14th November 2006
Liked this. Strangely, it's not very poetic in many ways, but it worked really well for me. Can you have stream of consciousness in poetry? 
 
I was wondering as Techi, man/woman, woman/woman? 
 
Enjoyed this. 
 
All the best,  
 
Phil.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 14th November 2006
I enjoyed this for the most part. The lines, 
 
We were such a 
happy couple 
 
stuck out rather for me, a bit cliched and I'm not sure why you split it into 2 lines. I'm also not sure why you chose to out 'then' on a line on its own rather than running it on into: 
 
'then, I'll cry for...' 
 
But the overall impression of the poem was strong for me and I enjoyed reading it. 
 
Cheers, 
 
Elli 
 
ps. I also got the idea of girl/girl - maybe it was the crying for glitter-dusted cupids. Was it supposed to be girl/girl? Does it matter? 

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