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locked in the cycle
By lillabetx
14 November 2006
A simple format but I hope you can feel the complexity of emotion.

Worrying that you have made a terrible mistake,

Hoping that it is just a question of time

Waiting for the words you are longing to hear

Joking that everything will be ok in the end

Crying over feelings he does not feel

Listening to what he has to say

Interpreting it in the way you want it to sound

Hearing the voices that whisper gently things are not right

Wishing that your inner voice was not so perceptive

Dreaming of a family with daytrips to the sea

Pretending that time does not matter

Insisting that things are worth sorting out

Trying to ignore advice from trusted friends

Wanting the things you believe you deserve

Grieving the things you have already lost

Caring about what others may think

Supporting the man you say you love

Screaming at him silently as he ponders

Smoking because it numbs your pain

Starving yourself to be beautiful

Wondering what life could be like

Panicking that it will never happen

Judging yourself and him by others

Reading the stuff you think may help

Writing the words for no-one to read

Singing the songs that make you remember

Trusting blindly with no evidence

Fearing your instinct may be right

Protecting yourself from inevitable pain

Planning  how to express your feelings

Sitting in the dark recalling the past

Looking in all the wrong places

Finding there is no easy answer

Deciding that you can’t go on

Preparing yourself for the waves of regret

Aching to the depths of your soul

Sleeping because it’s the only peace that you get

Dreaming as your mind forgets reality

Waking to find that it is all over

Worrying that you have made a terrible mistake

Knowing that there is no going back.



Reviews

Written by Talisker (1321 comments posted) 14th November 2006
I don't like all the verbs at the start of each line. Its repetitive and boring. 
 
This to me is just a list of phrases. There is some logical flow to it - but it's ungratifying to me.  
 
Oli :roll

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 14th November 2006
I think that if you broke this into several poems, all with simple concepts, you would make your point better. There are many things here that a lot of people will identify with, but your ideas could be better organized.  
 
For instance, the line 'Dreaming of a family with daytrips to the sea' -- that is a concept you could explore, perhaps contrasting the reality of a family that bicker and disagree endlessly with a happy, smiling bunch, Mum and Dad and three little ones with the loaded picnic basket off for a day of carefree fun. (As if there is any such family...) 
 
Hope this helps.
Agreed
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 14th November 2006
I have to say that I agree with the others above. I wouldn't exactly call it a poem but just a list of phrases. I think you are trying to convey the fact that you don't know where to turn, and these short sharp phrases just spring to mind. A broken relationship is often worse than a death because the person who has caused the break-up (if there is only one) is still there, hurting you. After all these phrases it leaves one wondering what on earth has happened? It seems incomplete.
Thanks Guys
Written by lillabetx (6 comments posted) 14th November 2006
Thankyou so much for taking the time to review my first upload on here. 
 
The dreaming of family daytrips to the sea phrase indicates (along with other hints toward the passing of time) a woman with no children but wanting to be a mother. 
The end of a relationship without proper closure does indeed feel incomplete and I guess, annoying though it is, was what I was trying to convey. 
 
I know its not good though when I have to explain this!!! 
 
TY guys, will learn from it! 
 
Lillabet x
Hi lillabet
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 14th November 2006
I liked some of this very much. I thought the last two lines made for a strong ending that was somewhat swallowed because of the present participles all the rest of the way thorugh. It might have been more cohesive as a whole piece if you had made it shorter and varied the line structure much more. I think that would have carried the reader more easily through some interesting ideas.  
 
Elli
Content Over Style?
Written by Tenchi (14 comments posted) 15th November 2006
I think that the sentiments come through very well because of the structure and it's simplicity. It makes you pause and review each line individually. Saying that, there's a huge amount of emotion here waiting to be unleashed. 
 
I agree with Witzl in that there's a lot here to be expanded on and from the depth of feeling expressed here, I think it's a great starting point.  
 
I'm not sure that it works as a poem, but perhaps it could be an inspiration for a monologue or a short story? 
 

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