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Comedy
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| The Odd Couple | |
| By Tenchi | ||||||||||||||
| 14 November 2006 | ||||||||||||||
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This is my first attempt at trying to be funny. I can't judge my own humour I find it very difficult. I'm aiming for a sort of Derek and Clive cum Bill Hicks meets the Fast Show. I hope it doesn't offend anyone, but I guess you can't please all of the people all of the time .... JC: Oh it’s fine for you; look what they did to me when I did my tour of duty? Damien: What do you mean? At least you got a whole book devoted to you? JC: Yeah but look at what I had to go through to get it published! Damien: Ok Ok OKAY! JC: AND they only got it together 200 years after I died, talk about bloody ghost writers. That lot couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery! Even if I was there doing my favourite party trick Damien: Yeah well I got a trilogy of films me and a new remake and…. JC: Yeah but the remake was shit though… Damien: Yeah but did you see Defoe as you man, shit he was at it. . . JC: Yeah yean, JUST DON’T MENTION Gibson OK? Damien: Ahhh I reckon Al has it right and no mistake; I mean get in there first without actually physically going. Bam in some guys head, write everything down directly Astounding EVERYONE with the miracle of his chosen being illiterate and put it all strictly in black and white with no interpretations. JC: Yeah but he’s never happy is he? What with all that “Look I said respect women as the givers of life, quite bloody clearly! and what do they invent female f*******g circumcision and flipping’ veils!” Damien: Yep true amazing really, you Judaic-Christian faiths all put it down nicely; don’t steal, don’t kill, don’t shag your neighbour’s missus or covet his ass and generally be nice to one another and what do you get? Genocide and madness, it’s like Dad and I don’t really have to do any work JC: Well we tried; look at what some of us actually went through, some of us actually showed up and tried! Damien: Hey, don’t bring me in to your family squabbles; I got troubles of my own. JC: Well it’s always Mo did this, Mo did that. Gets on my tits after a while…. Damien: Fag? JC: No need to be like that … oh I see ta… (Pause, Light, Inhale) Damien: You know it really unnerves me when you do that why can’t you hold it in your fingers like everyone else? JC: What these, got to be good for something, besides it pisses Dad off Damien: You’re his son, why don’t you just heal yourself? JC: He won’t let me says that it’s a reminder to all our work colleagues of the suffering I went through. Damien: Does it hurt? JC: Nah, but it’s a bugger swimming I have to work harder than everyone else Damien: Bollocks, thought you just walked on water? Besides that's poor taste man JC: Given your dad I didn’t think it’d bother you? Damien: Look we don’t really see eye to eye is all. Ever since I tried to get his job he’s been a bit off JC: Why? It’s to be expected surely, I mean He is the father of lies and you’re his only son… Damien: You reckon? JC: Err yeah um why, do you know something I don’t? Damien: Well, it’s to be expected is all, My name is legion and all that. He’s the incarnation of evil and such it’s only natural that he should put it about a bit. JC: Never thought of it like that …. Have you asked him? Damien: DUH HELLOOOO “Father of Lies” JC: Oh well um.. Damien: God you’re so naive JC: Um HELLLOOOO THE Original Christian … Damien and JC: Ha ha ha ha h ha ha ha ha (Wipe away tears) Damien: Anyway it’s your Dad’s fault JC: Don’t dredge up that old chestnut Damien: Well come on, if he hadn’t fired him … JC: Oh come on, we’re talking the ORIGINAL hostile takeover here. Damien: Yeah alright, but do the words Ineffable plan mean anything to you. He made Him that way, He must’ve know what He was up to He programmed us all JC: Hello free will??? Damien: Angels don’t have free will JC: Enough. I don’t want to talk about it OK, It’s enough that we stay in touch Damien: So what you doing for your birthday this year? JC: Oh you know the usual, same thing I do every year, get completely ignored by everyone, it’s really pants having been born at Christmas, you never get as many presents as everyone else . . . Damien: Yeah well, at least you have Christmas… JC: Your Dad still pretending to be an Atheist then? Damien: Nah he gave up on that, bit hard considering who his brother is …. Now he’s an agnostic. JC: No shit? Damien: Seriously, says it’s not like it was in the old days, and he doesn’t know what to believe anymore. I think the jobs starting to get to him JC: Hmmm that must be awkward. He talking to you after … you know…? Damien: What? You mean my attempt at the apocalypse? Typical bloody dad; aeons in the making, years of pollution, genocide, motorway tailbacks and Big Brother… I mean who the fuck IS David Ike anyway? “Sorry son, can’t do the apocalypse, can’t send the horseman out now can we? I mean, David Ike’s foreseen the apocalypse right down to each and every detail. We’d be a laughing stock. Fine figure of the ultimate evil and malicious destroyer of mankind I’d be if I let David Ike be right? Maybe next year eh? Appreciate your efforts though” JC: (Smirking) Fucking David Ike… Damien: Wait till I get my hands on him. I’ll make Milton Keynes look like Babylon, before the fall JC: (Sigh) Those were good days Damien: (Sigh) Yeah (Companiable silence) JC: Course that’s if he doesn’t end up at ours… Damien: What! Why would he end up at yours? JC: Well he did ultimately stop the apocalypse… Damien: Only if you tell your Dad that I told you what my Dad said…. Oh … yeah … I suppose he already knows JC: (Knowing look) Damien: Hold on a minute, how come when we try it’s the apocalypse and yet with you lot, it’s ‘The Rapture”? JC: Well as far as I can tell it’s because we’re always right Damien: You what? JC: Well you know God, ultimate omnipresent omniscient force of good in the world. If He says it’s different it just is. Damien: I see, so what you’re saying is …. basically... My Dad’s bigger than your Dad? JC: Um… yes I think so … Damien: It sucks to be me JC: At least every time you nip down to earth for a bit of fun, you get all the good stuff! Damien: Eh? JC: You know temptation, possession, sex, masturbation etc. I keep getting nagged to go back down and have my ‘Second coming’. I tell you I’m not going until they all start using the ichthus symbol. I’m not going back down there whilst they’re all waving those bloody crosses about. Damien: You know what, have you ever thought of seeing someone? JC: (Blank Look) Damien: Well you know like a counsellor or someone. You have issues man, don’t deny it. We have some pretty good social workers at ours, not to mention the priests. JC: Look who’s talking Mr I hate my Dad, He doesn’t understand me, he keeps trying to torture and maim me! Besides I’m not a Catholic, I don’t like confession. Damien: (Shaking head) Yeah but he’s still my Dad. It’s just part of the job description, like having roast Evolution believers for Sunday lunch, or burying dinosaur bones. I mean have you seen some of the stuff we’ve been up to lately ha ha ha JC: What??? You mean Darwin was wrong? Damien: …………We always assumed so! We thought well you know 7 days and stuff? You mean ….? JC: Oh crap I’d better have a word with Dad. Damien: Me too JC: See you later? Damien: Yeah I’ll bring some water, you can sort the food. JC: You cheapskate, Let me guess loaves and fishes yeah? Damien: Just get ready to transmute some Chianti……..
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