On hols this week. Devil finds work for idle hands.
FA COMPLETE BURKAS
From Gazzetta Dello Sport, Terhan Edition, November 2006.
Considerable consternation has greeted the news that the Football Association is to require all match day officials to wear the Burka. Speaking from the FA's Headquarters, its Chief Executive, Grand Ayatollah Sheik Mustapha Al Barwick assured reporters that this was the perfect solution to the much publicised problem of gender amongst such officials.
' By the Prophet's Dipping Balls!', he exclaimed. ' Lippy Infidel footballers will never know who the fuck is in there! Such is the power of The True One! Praise! Blessing! and Three Points to His Name!! Why, only last night I try it on to score with one of Wives and find I am shacked up with Shergar for past thirty years! '
Leading Premiership Manager, 'Arry ' Mohammed' Redknapp, a recent convert to Islam, was less sure.
' Leave it out, Son o' My Son!', he is quoted as saying. ' Th' bleedin' Offendi 'is 'avin' a fuckin' larf!! What dumb runt Crusader is gonna 'ave 'is name took by a fuckin' Wheelie Bin!? '.
The scheme was piloted during the weekend meeting between Manchester United and Arsenal at Old Trafford. Things look to have been going smoothly until Wayne Rooney forgot his Friday Prayers and told the Referee to ' ****!!xxx!** xxx!!!***** ****!!!!xxxx!! In Urdu. Instead of a Red Card he was given a Fatwa and is now in hiding in a local Night Club. Without their most influential talisman, United then struggled; Arsenal scored and the Referee blew not his whistle but himself up in the United Six Yard Box , crying ' Gooners is Great!!' and took with him the entire Manchester United First Team and most of the Stretford End.
Surveying the mass carnage and destruction and asked for his opinion in a Post Match Analysis, the Arsenal Manager Arsene Wenger told the interviewer,
' I did not see ze incident myself but I shall be studying ze Video and ze remains of ze Match Referee '.
(C) King James' Catholic Army. Saffron Walden Division, Syndic. Inc. 2006
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Devils indeed!
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 14th November 2006 |
Splendid piece of nonsense!
Needed a laugh!
Oli  |
Written by coosh (863 comments posted) 14th November 2006 |
| Hilarious. Worth it for the "wheelie bin" in itself. Built to a marvellous explosive climax, and the "autopsy" was just the icing on the cake. Now, if we could 'ave that ref at Parkhead next week... |
What lingo
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 14th November 2006 |
I do realise that you can’t see a top without wanting to go over it but I think you have surpassed yourself here. A wonderfully surreal mix of the sublime and the cor-blime as my dad used to say. I won’t quote my favourite bits I’d end up quoting it all piece –meal.
Though if I had to pick out something it would be the language-eastend medieval, I think
I do admire the way you keep topping the gag as you went ending with such a shockingly funny climax.
Thanks for your PM I will reply to it this evening I have been digesting it.
Small point Tehran has an h. What ever you do you don’t want to upset Muslims I’m sure
cheers
BBS |
Written by coosh (863 comments posted) 14th November 2006 |
| Well, now BBS has mentioned it, we can pick you up on small spelling points, can we?!!! Cuz we can't do it on anything else... Two "z"s in Gazzetta and Sport is masculine - Gazzetta Dello Sport... obviously spoilt my enjoyment of the entire piece... |
Loada Burkas
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 14th November 2006 |
| Very well written and very funny indeed. I endorse all that has been said before me (but I didn't like to mention spelling mistakes before: awful doesn't have an e in it) ha ha. (As I am a touch-typist I get all sorts of mistakes caused by just resting my fingers on all the keys. When you see strange letters in strange places, that is what it is. But no excuse: I should check my work thoroughly). Carry on with your amusing writing Gerard, you have the good knack of doing well with it. |
Amen...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 14th November 2006 |
Thanks Oli.
The twin colossi of British football have an appointment with destiny at Celtic Park so soon now. As Cromwell himself predicted before Naseby :
' Pray bretheren. For we shall all at once be known of God's Will '
Slan! |
Thanks Coosh..
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 14th November 2006 |
Thank you David.
My Italian is not worth a light. I have made the necessary alterations. I appreciate your corrections. As those of others. I hate shoddy presentation. I usually have a script editor to wipe my arse. It makes you lazy. Thanks for putting me on my metal--and Jane too.
Glad you enjoyed the piece.
Slan! |
Wheelie Bin
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 14th November 2006 |
As refreshingly un-pc as I would have expected. I wish they would give Wayne Rooney a fatwa...might see a bit less of his whinging ugly mug then 
The ending was ridiculously great.
Elli
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Incognito...
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 14th November 2006 |
Smashing OTT stuff Gerard. Personally the matches down at Field Mill (Mansfield Town for the uninitiated) would be a lot more entertaining if they followed this new FA ruling...It would also stop the said officials being `duffed up` in the car park as the so-called fans wouldn`t know who was`behind the mask`...
Once again, great read my friend.
Woody |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 14th November 2006 |
Loved this one Gerard, it started out funny and just topped itself over and over. 'Arry Redknapp - class.
All the best,
Phil. |
Thanks Josie
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 14th November 2006 |
Thank you Josie. Nice to see you in this neck of the woods. You are absolutely correct to pick up on spelling/grammar. There is no excuse for shoddy presentation if the writer is expecting others to give their time to review. There is even less excuse for my poor Italian, though, as my wife's family are half Italian and she speaks it qiute fluently.
I am glad you enjoyed a laugh. God alone knows we could do with one these days. And on this site too! I found myself in sympathy with you in the ' Great Theological Debate ', but opted not to add to the conflagration. Mind you it was a subject that needed airing and my compliments to you for doing so.
Slan!
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Eastend-Medieval...!!??
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 14th November 2006 |
Thank you Jane.
Correction made. You are right I don't want to go upsetting anyone. I am not that kind of person.
Eastend-Medieval!? Worth the review just for that!!
Slan! |
Daydream...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 15th November 2006 |
Thanks Ellie.
Sort of a doodle really. But I am in soccer mode this week ahead of the coming clash of the Titans at Parkhead. The referee is that nice, soft spoken Mr Paisley from Northern Ireland, I hear. I wish someone would shove a burka over him.
Slan! |
Hi Gerard
Written by jean.day (2279 comments posted) 15th November 2006 |
Fun and clever, as usual.
My husband has a female chemistry student who goes sky diving - who normally wears a Burka. He asked her if she took it off when she jumped, and she said of course - but when he asked to see the photos of the occasion, it definately was not on. For her first years of University she dressed normally - but things changed, pressure no doubt from the important people in their society, but having known her before he recognises her by her voice. |
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 15th November 2006 |
Very good Gerard,
packed full of quality gags!
Sasquatch |
My thanks...Woody.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 15th November 2006 |
My Thanks to you Woody. As always. And for allowing me to masquerade as Roger Woodcock when things become a little ignited.
I do hope you have not been troubled with any more of those annoying phone calls threatening to dynamite you. Ignore them Woody. Ignore them. Its just bluff. Believe me.
Slan! |
Thanks Phil.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 15th November 2006 |
Thank you Phil.
And my regards to the Trotters. And I don't mean your Year 5 Class.
Slan! |
And Jean...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 15th November 2006 |
And thanks to you also Jean. I think you may hold the world record for reviewing my work. I shall have to think of a suitable prize. Mind you it was woth getting this review. You story of the skydiving student was better than the post! What am I always saying!? Truth stranger than fiction? We don't need to make stories up, just open our eyes.
Slan! |
Thanks Sas.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 15th November 2006 |
And ta to you also Sas. I can always rely on you for a useful comment.
Slan! |
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