Something that just errupted - all comments welcome.
Mum
What was he to do now? Just sit, just wait and cry, tears rolling down his smooth little cheeks, making his shirt feel damp and uncomfortable. The news had come and he had drawn in a breath; so sharp, it had cut the silence which had involentarily come. His Dad had sat beside him: a limp instrument.
He knew what he would miss, the dinners and the cakes, the crisp shirts and soft sheets. The smile, that was another thing, that greeted him as he came home or out of the school gate.
They sat.
There were so many things that he would miss and his Dad would miss too - Dad was after all not capable of looking after him - what would happen to them. Would they take him away from his Father? That could not happen, Mom would not want it. She was the strongest, the element that kept them together, now perhaps, they would crumble. It was his job, but was he strong enough?
There were so many things! His Mom was everything, able to let go of him and let him live - that had been her greatess gift. Then occurred to him the strangest thing. Who would he shout at now?
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Lots of possibilities
Written by Ostara (61 comments posted) 3rd June 2005 |
T, I think you have made a good start here. You have the basis for three strong characters and could take it in many directions. You could explore the relationship between the father and some 'apres-mother' or perhaps focus on the tri before the absence of the eponymous 'mum'.
Have you decided what has happened to mum yet? Has she died or abandoned them? Or something else? It would be interesting to find out in the story, unless oyu were deliberately intending it to be an element of suspense.
Can I ask why the title is 'Mum' but you have used 'mom' in the text?
Let us know when you have done more please  |
Hi and welcome
Written by Bagheera (709 comments posted) 3rd June 2005 |
Like Ostara, I felt that this has many possible directions, and could be developed in a number of directions.
So many questions raised about the absence of a loved one - is it permanent (as seems most likely) or temporary?
As with Frost's poem "The Road not Taken" your next step will define the direction of the rest of the story ... |
Oh!
Written by twriter (117 comments posted) 3rd June 2005 |
Hello Both,
I didn't know that you wanted more!!!! This was just meant to be a stand alone piece but more I will write!
Thanks for your comments! :D
TW |
great potential
Written by kevinrobson73 (756 comments posted) 5th June 2005 |
agree with my peers
you've got lots going for you -great viewpointy/perspective
emotion-lots will identify with
variety-lots of ways you could build -before , after, during
make use of the spellchecker-shame to let good work clunk |
take the story further
Written by baljitnagreh ( comments posted) 5th June 2005 |
its nice, bittersweet emotions. interesting take on the nature of their relationship as a threesome..and the questionmark.
to me its a good intro, sets me thinking what's wrong with the dad...mentally unstable? incapable?etc
and the subject? small boy? or is he mentally immature?these are just so many ways the story could go.
the last line was interesting...who would he shout at now?
please write more! |
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