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The heart murmur
By Snodlander
16 November 2006
too long?  too long?  I'll show you too long!

Ermed and ahhed as to where to put this.  I put it under short stories because, well, it's short.

I have a real dilemma as to what poetry is.  I don't think this has the rhythm or symmetry to be a poem, but if I knew the first thing about poetry I think I could make it into one.

What do you mean, I have a heart murmur?

My heart doesn’t murmur, like an adolescent complaining (wait till I’m old enough) or an old man whining (if I was 20 years younger).

It thumps out a rhythm that would drown a rock band when she looks at me that way.
It sings at the touch of skin on skin.
It whistles at the smile of a pretty girl.
It breaks with the crash of a thousand footballs smashing a thousand windows.
It giggles insanely on summer mornings, twisting the motorbike down country lanes.
It screams when a SMIDSY pulls out without warning (Sorry, Mate, I Didn’t See You).
It yells out when the brain thinks something stupid.
It shouts it down when it thinks something wise.
It cheers at my children’s small, precious victories.
It roars like a warrior when playing their games.
It weeps at disasters, both man-made and  natural .

What do you mean, I have a heart murmur?

How on earth could you hear a murmur over all that?


Reviews
Cool!
Written by Rue_or_Kraehe (1 comments posted) 16th November 2006
kick-ass work!! ^.^
Too short!
Written by Fledermaus (3482 comments posted) 16th November 2006
It is... Interesting... 
Not realy sure how to comment, since I do not even know how to classify it. Some nice metaphors, but I think I prefer your... longer pieces ;)

Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 16th November 2006
HAHAHAHA 
 
Thanks for tiptoeing round it, Fledermaus. I have no problem at all if you want to tell me it's crap. I'd rather know that than continue to produce it
Well..Ummm...
Written by peeano1 (86 comments posted) 16th November 2006
That was very interesting...It was "spasmatic", if that was ever a word. Very direct, very sassy in the beginning and end, and I don't know...edgy a bit...At first, I thought this would be a gentle and fragile piece of work but now that I have read it, it was totally not what I was expecting...in a good way, I think.. Good work but I really don't know how to classify it, just like what Fledermaus said.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 17th November 2006
I liked this. I think I would rather see each line treated as a very short paragraph -- fleshed out just a little.  
 
In no way could this be described as 'crap.'
Another liberty...
Written by ellipinnock (1784 comments posted) 17th November 2006
There was a wee laddie called Bob 
whose heartbeat was all of a throb. 
It could drown out a rock band 
at the touch of a smooth hand 
It's a shame he's got such a big gob. 
 
:) 
 
'Don't call us, we'll call you...' 
 
Elli
Hmmm
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 18th November 2006
I'm glad you were careful how you finished that limerick Elli, it could have gone either way! 
 
Snodders, this one escapes me completely. I tried! But I won't have a heart whistling, no way! It would require what is a pump for blood to be filled with air or other gas, and for this to be expelled a speed through a hole or small aperture.  
 
As for giggling? You'd have to have had a lot of caffeine to manage that. 
 
I couldn't get past the incredulity to enjoy your sense of cardiac fun. 
 
Oli 
:)
talisker
Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 18th November 2006
but a heart singing or leaping is OK? 
 
My heart often giggles with the joy of an empty winding road in summer, but the doctor has banned coffee, and my colleagues try to dissuade me from ingesting any other caffeine. I am one of those annoying people that tap-dance into the office at 08:30. Me on Red Bull is a fearsome thing to behold. 
 
So you didn't get this one. That's cool. It was an experiment, and we learn as much from failed experiments as from successful ones. I was just struck with the picture of a heart murmuring.

Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 19th November 2006
Not poetry, not prose - but importantly - a good read. I may be in a minority here, but there's something in the innocense of this that I like. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.

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