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By Talisker
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17 November 2006 |
I think this is a work in progress - I'd like to write a few more stanzas.
Perhaps my friends hereabouts will let me know if it's worth the bother.
Oli I have caressed this neck to smooth perfection,
My eager hand has moulded and refined,
Now she is mine, designed for my affection,
We flow together, wood and flesh combined.
When we make love, sweet music serenades us,
We feel the notes vibrating through our hearts,
Our mesmerising moves are soon unconscious,
The whole becomes much greater than the parts.
Oli 17/11/06 |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 17th November 2006 | Absolutely worth the effort.
My only quibble might have been with 'designed for my affection,' but then I realize you are talking about a sculpted woman -- not a real flesh-and-blood one (who would be designed for so much more) so that isn't a quibble after all.
Full steam ahead on this one, Oli! |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 17th November 2006 | | And damned if I didn't forget to put quotation marks around 'woman.' Yes -- I really did realize that this was a guitar! | Scary
Written by Garrulous (108 comments posted) 17th November 2006 | As a seasoned guitarist I find this a litte bit odd to relate playing the guitar to a sexual experience. I love my guitars but not that much!
I don't think 'unconscious' works although I appreciate you were looking for a rhyme. Neither the literal definition nor the definition in psychoanalysis really tie in with the meaning you are looking for here.
Apart from that it's ok.
Gar. | Brilliant
Written by Josie (2780 comments posted) 17th November 2006 | | Certainly an unusual but brilliantly written poem. I have caressed the computer keys no end, but have never thought of them the same way. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 17th November 2006 | I really liked this...
'Our mesmerising moves are soon unconscious'
worked for me, in fact, I liked it. This has a lyrical song-like quality to it for me. Definitely worth working on.
Elli |
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 17th November 2006 | Liked this too Oli. I loved my guitar, until some little sod at work broke it. The boss won't shell out for another and I can't afford one.
Certainly worth the bother. Loved the first verse, but the second might be pushing the metaphor a little far. 'When we make love' was the bit that did it I think. Perhaps it's just me. I have a literal mind at times and it does conjure up a pretty odd image!
All the best,
Phil.
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Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 17th November 2006 | Liked this one. Sometimes I feel that way with my guitar... err.. making love.. (?)
-rilLie |
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 10th January 2007 | my best friend has this same experience [you can see it in his eyes when he plays] but for one thing...guitar vs girlfriend - it's very hard for him to divide his time between the two.
love the poem, more stanza's would be nice...just don't get scary :P
clo x |
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