Scene Three

The bridge of the Explorer takes up most of the stage. A small section SR is sectioned off with a chair, a desk and a model spaceship; KIRBY is sitting in the Captain's chair, looking bored. The crew are all busy. BRAINS enters and approaches CAPTAIN KIRBY.

BRAINS: 
The mission report sir (hands him notepad).
CAPTAIN KIRBY: 
Thank you Brains. (He reads). Oh we lost another Redshirt? How is the Star Pod working now?
BRAINS: 
Good as new sir. Our friends on Planet Greenie did an excellent job.
KIRBY: 
(still reading) you gave them a WHAT?
BRAINS: 
I...
STARMAN MINISKIRT: 
(interrupting) Captain Kirby?
KIRBY: 
(Waves BRAINS away) what is it Starman Miniskirt?
SKIRT: 
We are receiving a communication from P.A.N.T.S command. It's a hologram transmission.
KIRBY: 
I'll take it in my ready room.

KIRBY gets up and walks SR sits in his chair and taps his communication badge.

KIRBY: 
Go ahead miniskirt.

ADMIRAL SCOTT enters SR and stands directly in front of KIRBY'S desk. He looks directly at him without seeing him.

ADMIRAL SCOTT: 
Admiral Scott to Captain Kissy. Come in please.
KIRBY: 
We're already receiving Admiral. You are standing right in front of me. (As an afterthought) and it's Kirby.
SCOTT: 
I am? Oh, right, of course. Sorry Kissy.

KIRBY sighs dramatically.
 
SCOTT: 
We've got a new mission for you. We received word this morning from Ambassador Kenobi, who has been stationed in one of the outlying P.A.N.T.S. systems... err... the Flower System yes. Anyway, one of the planets in that system, planet Flower4 had a famous archaeologist working there, oh what was his name? Jones, that's it! Professor Daniel Jones and his daughter um... now was it Gemma? Genevieve? Jilly? No, no, it was Jenny.
KIRBY: 
Admiral Scott, what is the mission?
SCOTT: 
Of course, yes. Regardless of their names, they are now both missing, along with some of the Professor's top-secret, high priority research.
KIRBY: 
What is an archaeologist doing in space anyhow?
SCOTT: 
I don't know Kissy.
KIRBY: 
Kirby!
SCOTT: 
Where? He is such a nice fellow that Kirby... hmm whatever. Your mission is to go to Flower4 and find out what happened to the Professor and his daughter, and retrieve them. I cannot stress how important it is that you find the Professor so he can continue his research. We are transmitting the co-ordinates of Flower4 to you now. Scott over and out. (SCOTT remains standing with a vacant expression).
KIRBY: 
Admiral, you are still here.

SCOTT ducks down behind the desk so only the top of his head is showing.

KIRBY: 
Now you are just hiding behind the desk. (Taps badge) Miniskirt, have we received those Co-ordinates yet?
SKIRT: 
Yes Captain.
KIRBY: 
Good. Could you turn off the Admiral's hologram for him please?

The ADMIRAL walks off. KIRBY re-enters the bridge.

KIRBY: 
Well folks, we have ourselves a new mission. Starman Geek?
STARMAN GEEK: 
Yes sir.
KIRBY: 
Is the sub-space super speed drive online?
GEEK: 
Oh yes sir. I just finished making some adjustments to the field induction sub processor. That will enable the infuser array to emit a small temporal displacement, coinciding with a series of tachyon radiation bursts should provide us with enough energy to...
KIRBY: 
Will it go fast?
GEEK: 
Very fast sir.
KIRBY: 
Make it so. We have a Professor and his lovely young daughter to rescue!
STARMAN STUPIDLY BRAVE: 
We are going on a rescue mission?
KIRBY: 
Yes Stupidly Brave; it seems the archaeologist has gone missing, and it is our job to find him.
BRAVE: 
Sir, request permission to take a Star Pod and track down the missing Professor and his daughter and return them to Flower4, sir.
KIRBY: 
Denied. Commander Logic, what do we know about the people on Flower 4?
LOGIC: 
The Flowers are a peaceful race of aliens, known for the carefree way of life and generous hospitality. As a planet they are economically poor, as all monies are divided equally between its people. They value happiness, peace and love above all other things. The female flowers are reputed to be particularly friendly.
KIRBY: 
Sounds like a place I want to visit! Starman Joker, plot a course for Flower4. Engage.

Scene Four

The curtains open to a paradise scene. Palm trees and wild flowers frame the stage and a large welcome banner is hung between two of them. ‘Kokomo' by the Beach Boys plays in the background. SR there is a small tent and several piles of books scattered around it. Lots of loose papers and a few pot plants are also visible.
Several pretty girls are dressed in grass skirts and flower garlands and dreamily sway in time to the music. As the crew enter the girls hang garlands around their necks.

STARMAN JOKER: 
Now this is what I call an away mission!
BRAINS: 
It's perfect!
ROSE:  
Welcome to Flower4.
NERVOUS: 
A... aaa... atchoo!
ROSE:  
Bless you.
POPPY: 
We hope you enjoy your stay.
KIRBY: 
Oh I know I will!
SKIRT: 
Captain, shouldn't we be meeting with President Thorn?
KIRBY: 
All in good time, Starman Miniskirt. These people have gone to a lot of trouble to welcome us.
IVY: 
It's no trouble at all; we love to spread peace and happiness (hands him a flower).
TWO: 
Captain, perhaps we should engage in the official P.A.N.T.S. greeting protocols?
KIRBY: 
What's that again?

NUMBER TWO moves a few FLOWER GIRLS into position and begins an elaborate salute and greeting. Behind him, PRESIDENT THORN enters with GERANIUM and DAISY. SKIRT nudges TWO and the crew scuttle behind KIRBY.

PRESIDENT THORN: 
I am President Thorn of the Flower people. Welcome to Flower4.
KIRBY: 
President Thorn! I am Captain Kirby of the Starship Explorer PYT. We are here under orders from P.A.N.T.S. command to investigate the disappearance of Professor Jones and his daughter.
GERANIUM: 
Of course, the President has been expecting you. I trust our people have made you feel welcome?  Rose, Poppy, Ivy, Doris - girls would you be so kind as to fetch our guests some refreshments?

The girls exit and return shortly with trays of drinks).

GERANIUM: 
My name is Geranium and this is Daisy, President Thorn's personal assistant. She will be your guide while you are on Flower4.
KIRBY: 
Hello there.
TWO:  
Eh hum.
KIRBY: 
Oh yes, this is my crew. Number Two, Commander Brains, Starman Miniskirt, Starman Joker, Starman Nervous and Redshirt.
DAISY: 
Welcome, all of you. The president and I were most troubled by the disappearance of Professor Jones and his daughter. We sincerely hope you find them safe and well.
BRAINS: 
We will do our very best to find them quickly.
TWO: 
Do you have any idea who took them?
THORN: 
We know exactly who is responsible. Those Commandos are the scourge of the universe!
GERANIUM: 
What the President is trying to say is that we are a peaceful people. We welcome all visitors and are more than willing to share what we little we have, but they took advantage of our caring nature and kidnapped the Professor and his daughter who were under our protection. It wasn't very nice!
BRAINS: 
We are all very sorry this has happened.
SKIRT: 
Who are these commandoes?
NERVOUS: 
M...m...m...
JOKER: 
Mercenaries. They do all the dirty jobs other alien races don't want to do. And they get paid well for it too. Rumour has it they would sell their own mother for a bag of hot chocolate powder.
BRAINS: 
How do you know it is them, exactly? We don't want to create a diplomatic incident by accusing the wrong people now do we?
DAISY: 
We have footage from the security cameras outside the Professor's quarters showing the kidnappers arriving and leaving. Geranium, would you mind showing the Captain and his crew the tapes?
GERANIUM: 
It is all ready. Captain, if you could just watch that screen over there?

GERANIUM picks up a remote control and points it towards the audience. MAYBOURNE and the COMMANDOES enter noisily from the back of the room and jog up through the audience and out the front entrance. They are singing a military song.

COLONEL MAYBOURNE:  
I don't know what I've been told
COMMANDOES: 
I don't know what I've been told
MAY:  
Outer space is mighty cold
COMMS: 
Outer space is mighty cold
MAY:  
One thing keeps me warm and snug
COMMS: 
One thing keeps me warm and snug
MAY:  
Cocoa in my favourite mug
COMMS: 
Cocoa in my favourite mug

They all look at one another in horror.

JOKER: 
That's them all right. Ugly looking bunch aren't they?
SKIRT: 
They look really mean. Are we going to have to fight them?
KIRBY: 
Don't you worry Starman Miniskirt - they've not faced the likes of the Starship Explorer yet!
TWO: 
That's right! We can take them.
BRAINS: 
Where did they go?
DAISY: 
That area you saw on the tape is just over here (points SR). This is where Professor Jones was conducting his research, and these were his living quarters (indicates a tent decorated with flowers).
NERVOUS: 
W... w... what h... happened n... next?

GERANIUM points the remote again. The COMMANDOES re-enter in front of the audience dragging PROFESSOR JONES, who has a large bundle of papers, and carrying JENNY JONES whose hands and feet are tied because she is struggling. During the kidnap JENNY gives out a constant stream of shrieks, yells, complaints and arguments to be set free while JONES mumbles and grumbles his complaints

MAY: 
Move it, move it, move it! We haven't got all day.
COMMS: 
Sir, yes sir.
PROFESSOR JONES: 
My papers... My research... I must be allowed to continue... this is intolerable... you must let me go immediately... so much depends on my work...
JENNY JONES: 
Let us go! NOW! Do you hear me! You have no right to do this. Who do you think you are? Put me DOWN! Untie me this instant!
MAY: 
Left... left... left right left...

The COMMANDOES jog back through the audience and out the way they came.

SKIRT: 
Oh that's terrible.
DAISY: 
(To KIRBY) Would you like to take a look at Professor Jones's quarters? (She leads them SR).
KIRBY: 
Yeah sure, let's do that!
DAISY: 
Geranium, why don't you take the President back to Flower Castle? I can manage here.
GERANIUM: 
Very good ma'am (they exit).
BRAINS: 
What exactly was Professor Jones doing here?
DAISY: 
All we know is that he was studying papers and scrolls from the Ancient Flower people. He recently was granted permission to excavate anywhere he wanted on Flower4, as long as it didn't disturb the peaceful life of our people.

The Crew begin looking around for clues and examining the various bits of paper, strange-looking objects and artefacts scattered around the work area.

REDSHIRT: 
Captain, captain! I think I have found something.

REDSHIRT holds up a strange looking pot plant with a large piece of paper attached with string. He pokes it gently.

DAISY: 
Stop! That's a venomibius-toxilius-mantas. It's very poisonous!
REDSHIRT: 
(dropping the plant) Urgh... ugh... huur! (He dies)
DAISY: 
Oh no, I'm so sorry.
KIRBY: 
It happens all the time. Nervous - get that thing out of here!
NERVOUS: 
Y... y... yes sir.

They continue hunting about the camp.

SKIRT: 
Captain, I think I have found Professor Jones's journal.
KIRBY: 
Well done Miniskirt, we'll have to see about getting you a raise.
SKIRT: 
How about a longer uniform?
BRAINS: 
Let me see. (Flicks through the pages) ah the last entry was two days ago.
TWO:  
Read it out loud.
BRAINS: 
(Reading) Ten AM: At last. I have found the entrance to the secret catacombs. I dare not write it down, but I shall write myself a riddle so I can remember where it is. ‘The man who makes it doesn't need it, the man who buys it doesn't need it and the man who uses it doesn't know it'.
KIRBY: 
What does that mean?

The others are all confused.

BRAINS: 
It carries on. (Reading) Five PM: I fear for my safety - there is so much at stake here and I...
JOKER: 
And?
BRAINS: 
That's it. It finishes there.
SKIRT: 
The poor professor must have been interrupted by those nasty Commandoes.
BRAINS: 
I wonder why they didn't take the journal.
TWO: 
The one thing the Commandoes are good at is following orders. They only do what they are told, so if the orders didn't involve a journal then they leave it alone.
KIRBY: 
Now why can't you all be like that?
NERVOUS: 
D... D... Daisy?
DAISY: 
Yes Starman Nervous?
NERVOUS: 
W... w... what are the c... c... cata... cata...
DAISY: 
Catacombs? I am not really sure what he was looking for, but there is someone we can ask. (She steps over to the flower girls and calls one over) Ivy? Can you come here a moment please?
IVY: 
Yes ma'am?
DAISY: 
Ivy, you were helping the Professor and his daughter weren't you?
IVY: 
(Smiling) Oh yes ma'am. They were such lovely people, very happy and peaceful.
BRAINS: 
What exactly was the Professor looking for?
IVY: 
(Still happy) Oh, he was looking for the lost treasure of the Ancient Flowers.
DAISY: 
He what?
KIRBY: 
Treasure? What treasure?
BRAINS: 
Why is it lost?
IVY: 
He wanted to bring prosperity back to the people of Flower4. He was ever so nice. He said that if we found the treasure all Flower people would be rich and have everything we ever wanted.
DAISY: 
But this is ridiculous. The lost treasure of the ancient flowers is a myth. A bed time story we tell our flower children.
SKIRT: 
Apparently not (reading the journal) the professor has written down in here that he found a map hidden in an ancient cookery book. He also says there are descriptions of the treasure and its magical properties in the various manuscripts and scrolls he has studied over the past three years.
DAISY: 
I can't believe it.
JOKER: 
Magical treasure?
SKIRT: 
(mumbling) and there is something here about a magical ruby with healing powers...
TWO:  
Daisy, what's wrong?
DAISY: 
The lost treasure of the ancient flowers. I always wanted to believe in it as a child, but I never really did. It always seemed too perfect. A magical hoard of treasure worth more than you could ever imagine. Gold and jewels with special powers that could grant you eternal life, great strength and x-ray vision. Well, I think the last part got added sometime in the last century but the rest is so fantastic - how could it be true?
BRAINS: 
So you think it is true?
KIRBY: 
Eternal life huh? That does sound pretty good!
TWO: 
So do you think the professor's research proves that the treasure is real?
DAISY: 
It looks that way, doesn't it?
SKIRT: 
So why don't you look happy about it?
DAISY: 
According to the legend, the desire to have the treasure grew so strong it tore our world apart by a huge civil war. Everyone wanted to possess eternal life and great strength. We fought for centuries until finally a small group of dedicated Flowers took the treasure and hid it in an underground chamber. They built a whole labyrinth filled with booby traps and dead ends to prevent anyone ever finding it. They took their secret with them to the grave and it was lost forever.
JOKER: 
If they kept the secret, how did the story get out?
TWO: 
Well someone must have passed the story on obviously.
JOKER: 
And then they drew a map telling people how to get through the labyrinth.
DAISY: 
The map. Of course! Where is it?
SKIRT: 
I... I don't know. It's not in the journal.
DAISY: 
Ivy - do you know where the Professor kept the map?
IVY: 
He said he had some special papers that he kept with him all the time. He even slept with them under his pillow. But he would never let anyone see them.
NERVOUS: 
D... d... do you th... think that the c... c... commandoes h... have the m... map?
DAISY: 
I don't doubt it.
BRAINS: 
The question is who are they taking it to?
TWO:  
And for what price?
KIRBY: 
Let's go and ask them shall we? Don't worry Daisy, we'll soon rescue the Professor and bring back the map leading to the lost magical treasure.
SKIRT: 
And his daughter.
DAISY: 
Whatever happens, we must not let anyone find this treasure. If it fell into the wrong hands they could take over the whole galaxy. Or worse!
NERVOUS: 
Don't worry Daisy; we will get it back for you!

Everyone turns and stares at NERVOUS who talked without stuttering.

DAISY: 
I know you will. I'm coming with you! Ivy, please inform the President of what has happened here. And could you water my plants while I am gone?
IVY:  
Yes ma'am.
KIRBY: 
Right crew. Let's catch us some bad guys!
TWO:  
Yes! Let's catch some bad guys.
KIRBY: 
Number Two?
TWO:  
Yes Captain?
KIRBY: 
Please don't do that.
TWO:  
Yes Captain.
KIRBY: 
Nervous, you take Miss Daisy aboard and find her some suitable quarters. Miniskirt, gather up the professor's research and have it beamed up to the ship. Brains, can you communicate with P.A.N.T.S. command and update them on the situation? And Number Two, your job is to write up the mission report and complete the logs.
ALL: 
Yes Captain.
TWO: 
What are you going to do Captain?
KIRBY: 
(Looking over at the Flower Girls) I am going to get acquainted with the locals. Don't wait up!

Curtains close; end of Scene Four.