My mother sent me a text message last weekend, this was unique in that it contained both vowels (she normally does without them in her own textspeak parody) and also a website address:

www.derwen.org.uk

My first reaction to this was, huh? So I sent a reply to that effect and, whilst waiting for a reply decided that I would investigate, after all she is not a woman known for playing practical jokes. I type in the web-address and discover that it is the website of a college in Oswestry; then I see the photo and read the ‘welcome’ and it all begins to make sense. It read a little something like this:

‘We offer you a very warm welcome to the Derwen College website.

Derwen College is committed to promoting, through inclusive learning, the vocational, educational, personal and social development of young people with a wide range of learning difficulties and disabilities.’

Now that the penny has dropped and I realise that when she said they were looking at possible college placements for my little brother, they actually meant it and they meant now (this is unusual for my parents who normally spend months planning everything down to the nth degree), I have a few issues with this website. Firstly, the message is not very welcoming, in fact, it scares me shitless. ‘Inclusive learning’-does that actually mean anything? It’s a college for teenagers with ‘a wide range of learning difficulties and disabilities’, I’d bloody well hope that it was inclusive-who on earth would they be excluding? As for vocational, that’s a bit of a tricky concept surely, I don’t think I’ve got one of them and I’m sure Sam wouldn’t recognize one if it hit him in the face. Educational, personal and social development I can live with but then we hit another problem: ‘young people with a wide range of learning difficulties and disabilities’. There’s a nice label to get your tongue around, not too keen on it although I can’t imagine it was easy to decide on. I’m still trying to pluck up the courage to have a look at the website properly; the front page has rather intimidated me. I have a feeling a few pints may be required to kick start the whole process.

Incidentally, the boy turns 14 a week on Tuesday so the yearly present buying dilemma has begun. There is somewhat of a dearth of products marketed at teenage boys like Sam with enough attitude to share between several teenagers and absolutely no interest in or understanding of most teenage pursuits. The previous sentence comes with one caveat; the discovery of the opposite sex is one teenage obsession that seems not to have passed him by. I have a lot of sympathy for my other brother’s girlfriend, 19, who is somewhat monopolised as Sam thinks that trying to nick off with his older brother’s girlfriend is a highly entertaining pastime.

The other latest craze is Star Trek which means any conversation is typically punctuated with a lot of chest bashing and instructions to, ‘Engage! Warp 5!’ (the consequences for ignoring such imperatives are not pleasant) and anything to do with the Playstation also goes down well. Unfortunately for him I am a great believer in activities that require neither the Playstation nor the computer.

Books are also a purchasing minefield. Sam loves to read and to be read to (he has been as well indoctrinated as the rest of us in that respect) but finding books that are interesting, not too complicated or sophisticated and not too ‘babyish’ that he hasn’t already got is a real challenge. When I do find one it is almost certain that my mother has been on the same wavelength and bought it at the same time. This leaves me browsing the internet for children’s theatre performances in the West Midlands and wondering how late I can leave it before I tell my boss that I’m taking a week off to go home for the event. It may be a late night.