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By Sophie1
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18 November 2006 |
A poem for any woman that's been driven round the bend by a man!
“You, are out of you’re mind!”
He shouts, so unkind.
I’ve given you half of my life.
Expand if you please;
Be brutal, don’t tease;
Just how do I fail as you’re wife?
“You are;
Unstable, Unbalanced, Unhinged!
Disturbed and perturbed!
lunatic, nuts and cuckoo!”
You’re right, I confess;
But, there’s a key to this mess;
One I often do rue;
To be perfectly clear;
There appears ‘my dear’;
A connecting factor, so true;
Look close and you’ll find;
That, the state of my mind;
Directly relates to,
U!!!
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Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 18th November 2006 | First a couple of small gripes (annoying I know!):
Are there supposed to be sporadic bold bits in this? It doesn't make it easy on the eye but that may be the hidden formatting gremlin. If you were intentionally putting the sections that relate to 'you' in bold then I wasn't keen on it as a device. Also, you use 'you're' in a couple of places when I assume you mean 'your'.
As for the poem itself...I liked it. I thought the first half scanned better than the second where I lost the rhythm in places. I also tripped a little over the stanza that begins 'unstable...'
I'm sounding negative, I don't mean to! I thought it was a quirky bit of fun and I'm looking forward to seeing more of your stuff.
Elli | Angry Feisty Lady!
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 18th November 2006 | I like that.
Notwithstanding sweet Elli's comments, with which I agree, largely, I too look forward to more of your stuff.
A very worthy contribution. Raw emotion. Love it.
Oli  |
Written by Phil (6738 comments posted) 18th November 2006 | Mere man calling in.
Liked the poem. As Oli, look forward to more.
Elli's comments are well worth taking on board.
Phil. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 19th November 2006 | I feel like a weenie agreeing with everyone (I am an American and take every possible opportunity to hold a different opinion), but they all said it better than I could. I want more, and I want those infelicities out first!
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Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 19th November 2006 | I was drawn to this Sophie by your comments elsewhere. I too liked its quirky style..right up my street! i must admit to not visiting this section much, but I will make a point of looking for your pieces.
happy writing
Woody | Thankyou
Written by Sophie1 (12 comments posted) 19th November 2006 | I appreciate any comments that you have to offer. The poem was written yesterday in the heat of the moment, in the cold light of day I can see how disruptive the bold type is within the poem. As for the fourth stanza it is ment to disrupt the rhythm of the poem, as a full blown argument disrupts the emotions.
I have posted a short story 'Sam Thomas' on the site or though it's not showing on my account, perhaps I've made a mistake (I'm relatively new to computers!). If you manage to find it, I would really appreciate your feedback. I'm thinking of taking the creative writing module in my degree programme, so any critisism will sharpen my writing skills.
PS. I'm fiesty, but not a man-hater!
Thankyou all X |
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