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Poetry


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fallen day

By cordialfreedom

18 November 2006

Hello,hope you like this.Apologies for the punctuation.

I left a pose at the wake
of a fallen day
didn`t know how else to convey
the sense of whatever
this day
had left me

so I walked home
feeling,reeling and
nervous,
that tomorrow may
repeat all the mistakes
of today

And as I repair myself
with a long night moan
the weight of the day
turns into a
hundred weight of years,
as the realization dawns
so does the day
and I prepare myself for
battle
with my own two hands

Then,at the end of the
day
as I raise a glass at the
wake
I leave my pose for another day

Reviews

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 18th November 2006

Why apologise for the punctuation? Why not put it in? All it does is give meaning.

I liked things about this, it contains some good ideas and I like some of your phrases. Ultimately though, either I'm too stupid to fully grasp this, or you have not been clear enough. I know poetry shouldn't always be easy, but it shouldn't be a puzzle. (It occurs to me, I really may be stupid. First to review. The rest may be full of praise, awe and wonder. Never mind.)

All the best.

Phil.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 18th November 2006

I've just lost the review that I was half way through writing....grrrrrr

The jist of it was....

I think I got what you were getting at-would have liked more development of the ideas.

I agree with Phil that punctuation would have been nice.

I like the beginning and the end, I think the repetition works.

I'm not sure that all of the line breaks are in the right places especially the words that from lines of their own e.g

'and I prepare myself for
battle'

either

'and I prepare myself
for battle'

or

'and I prepare myself for battle'

would have flowed better for me. Potentially interesting.

Elli

Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 19th November 2006

I'll let Elli do the dissection, girls are so much better at that.

It's OK for me, but very heavy and depressing. Not a thing of beauty. Very dark.

That's OK, if thats how you feel, and your poem does show true potential.

Phil's right though, if you want to connect, it's not only you who needs to understand. It is poetry, not sudoku, people don't want to try too hard.

Keep writing though!

Oli

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