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Poetry


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The Girl

By peeano1

20 November 2006

I think this may not make it but oh well, at least I tried....

It was the night of stormy seas where our treachery begun.
Seven men afloat with nothing left
No matter how hard we struggled, no matter how hard we tried
Mother Nature could not withdraw her callings
And soon we left at three
Suddenly in the midst of mayhem
I spotted a vision like no other
A girl dressed in angelic white
Gestured towards me
She extended her thin arms and held out my palm
Blowing into it a warm breeze
Then she looked into my eyes
And smiled once more
Then she kissed me as light as a feather
And suddenly I found myself washed ashore
With the other men dead
As my life was saved once more

Reviews

Got something..
Written by Talisker (1321 comments posted) 20th November 2006

Good idea, some good lines;

"kissed me light as a feather"

I like this - dreamy and mystical. Again, could be tidied up structurally, but something to work with.

Well done,

Oli

Be careful!
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 20th November 2006

She was your guardian angel. I hope you recognized her. We all have one.

Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 20th November 2006

Something in this that draws me in. It reminds me of a very famous painting - so famous in fact that I've forgotten the name of it! I've even got a whole novel based on the picture, but I can't find it. I can't remember who wrote it either. It's a sea scape with sailors drifting on a raft in different poses; some dead, some alive. A ship is just going over the horizen - last chance of hope.

Anyway, as Oli says, dreamy and mystical - perhaps needs tidying up a little.

All the best,

Phil.

Written by peeano1 (86 comments posted) 20th November 2006

Thanks! Yeah, it does need some "clean up". I just wrote this while I was trying to compose a piano piece...Just sent that piece in the mail..Hopes it makes first..That'll add to my collection...Okay, I'm getting off topic but thanks anyways for your advice...

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 20th November 2006

Hooray, no vamps

To me, this is really a draft of ideas for a poem so if you're going to use them then you need to sit down and think about the bits you like and the bits you don;t and how you want the poem to look (ie structure) when it is finished. Interesting ideas though, probably worth working with.

Elli

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