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Shorts
Troubles
By Fledermaus
20 November 2006
Another lazy writer's piece.

The little girl peeks over the back of the seat in front of them.
" Are you from India?", she asks bluntly.
Ahmed laughs. He likes her Northern Irish accent and her curious face.
" No. I'm from England, but my parents are from Pakistan."
She seems to need a moment to understand what he meant. Then she points at Chandra.
" And she? Is she from Pakistan?"
He shakes his head.
" No, she's from England as well."
" Oh... And she's your wife?"
Ahmed and Chandra look at eachother and there is an awkward silence. He doesn't know what to say.
" He's my friend", Chandra remarks, and she smiles at the child.
" Your boyfriend?"
Chandra looks at him again, with that questioning gaze in her beautiful eyes. Then she shakes her head.
" No."

" My aunt has a boyfriend", the girl says," but he's a protestant, so they can't marry."
A hand grabs the girl and pulls her down in her seat. A woman voice talks to her in Irish, angrily. Then the aunt's face appears over the back of the seat.
" Please excuse her", she says.
Ahmed tries to smile.
" It's okay."
The woman returns to her seat and Ahmed stares out of the window. He feels how Chandra leans on his shoulder and he puts his arm around her. Northern Ireland, Protestants, Catholics... How is he going to explain to his father that he has fallen in love with a Hindu girl?

Reviews

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 20th November 2006
As far as I am concerned, this is a little jewel, Fledermaus! I think you could have left out the last sentence -- I was already there before you wrote it, given their names 'Chandra' and 'Ahmed.'  
 
How lovely to put those matter-of-fact words in a child's mouth.

Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 20th November 2006
Thanks Witzl. I wasn't sure if it was going to work, as I took out many descriptions, but I'm glad it did :)

Written by Garrulous (108 comments posted) 20th November 2006
I thought this was a great piece. The child assumes that the two belong together and is acting as a mouthpiece for what we expect would be most caucasians. 
 
I think the last line is good as a fail safe. There will always be those that you have to explain things to and rather than alienate a potential audience it is better to have the confirmation there to see. 
 
Gar.

Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 20th November 2006
Thanks Garrulous. 
And the difference between kids and adults is that kids don't mind saying what they think :)
Out of the mouths of babes...
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 20th November 2006
Lovely Batty. Just lovely. 
 
No triteness here. Distilled perfectly, the innocence and truth of childish perception.  
 
As Mary says, a little diamond. 
 
Oli 
 
:)

Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 20th November 2006
Thank you Oli, 
I'm glad my little experiment worked. :)

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 20th November 2006
Lovely piece. Perfectly balanced and not cluttered with anything to detract.  
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.

Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 20th November 2006
yep, agree with all the above. Nice tight piece, with an explanation at the end for the thickos that didn't get it. 
 
One small point. 'stairs our' should be 'stares out'

Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 20th November 2006
Thanks Phil and Snodlander. 
I corrected the typo. Strange how they always slip in.
Wow
Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 21st November 2006
This is very good. I am glad you have the last line and word in there, I was so caught up in your story that I wasn't bothering to try and guess for a punchline, so that last line washed over me like a warm wave.  
 
This is so good on so many levels, although there is small amount of tidying to do but nothing much. Hoorah for lazy writers.

Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 21st November 2006
Thank you johniebg. So the last line wasn't redundant after all.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 21st November 2006
Thought I'd commented on this....not going to be particularly sensible or pedantic (saving that for poetry :) ) but I enjoyed this a lot and I needed the last line, being a bit of a thickie. 
 
E

Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 21st November 2006
Thanks Elli :)
Lovely
Written by CameronS (20 comments posted) 23rd November 2006
A lovely little piece. Thank you. 
 
S.

Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 24th November 2006
Thank you, Cameron!

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