|
By wildworm
|
|
20 November 2006 |
Often said in passing
Echoed without thought
But then the breakups come
and soon in end we're taught
Idle words not spoken
but must be from the heart
So love will be as strong in end
as it was right from the start
-Eddy |
Mmmm
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 20th November 2006 | Liked the idea, didn't like,
'soon in end we're taught' or 'love will be as strong in end' sounds like you're forcing the syntax too much to fit into your structure and you end up making it archaic and thus more difficult to read, especially in a short piece. Interesting.
Elli
| Or perhaps:
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 20th November 2006 | It’s often said in passing
And echoed without thought:
That we learn a lot from breakups –
Which can leave us so distraught.
Ah yes, I've suffered many a broken heart! But many people never learn. They still keep playing with the fire. This is a popular subject I'm afraid. | Heartfelt...
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 20th November 2006 | Clearly, but a bit clumsy.
Try, try again.  |
Written by peeano1 (86 comments posted) 20th November 2006 | | I agree with both ellipinnock and Talisker..didn't really do it for me (sorry!). Well, keep on trying! I've seen your other works and if you make some changes to this one, it will potentially be really good! |
Written by NightHope (14 comments posted) 20th November 2006 | "Idle words not spoken"
I like it, Eddy. Simple and laden with truth. | sorry...
Written by no1butClo (339 comments posted) 2nd December 2006 | | but I'm going to have to quote it...all of it...somewhere. but links and references will be made, promise =) |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
