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Shorts
The Fire
By peeano1
20 November 2006
I don't know what to say about this. It just popped up in my mind....

  "So, can you tell us what happend that night?"
  The little girl remained silent. The officer held up his hands in despair.
  "She's refusing to speak", he told his boss next to him.
  The boss nodded. "Don't worry, she'll speak to us later. Right now, she's scared."
  The girl clenched her teddy bear tighter. She looked to be about 5 years of age and her small fragile face was muddied by streaks of dirt. The officers found her hiding behind a dumpster when they heard news of a building burning just blocks from their department.
  Nobody had any idea how the fire started. It was reported that everybody in the building had perished in the flames except the girl. When they found her, she was trembling quite bit and was still recovering from the shock. There was no trace of her parents.
  The officers paced back and forth. They didn't know what to do. If the girl still refused to speak to them, they wouldn't be able to solve the mystery about the fire. She was their only witness.
  Raking his hand through his thin hair, the boss spun around and faced the other officer.
  "Do whatever you can to make her speak. We can't just stand like this."
  "But boss-"
  "Do it", he interjected.
  "As you say, sir."
  The poor man entered the small room where the girl sat. Crouching to the girl's level, the man tried to coax her to speak by telling stories of his past. The girl remained expressionless and still didn't dare to speak.
  In his failure, the officer exited the room and returned to the boss's side.
  "She won't do it", he said.
  The boss glanced at the girl and then at the officer.
  "Give her the needle", he demanded.
  "Excuse me, sir but-"
  "Just do it. As an police officer, you will follow my command."
  "As you say so, boss."
  The man re-entered the room and in his hand, he held a small needle. It contained a special drug used to doze its victim and cause the victim to recollect any shocking experiences. The drug was very dangerous and only used if the case was neccesary. Never had the department was forced to give the needle in all of their years of duty.
  Nervously, the man hesitantly injected the needle while the other offices restrained the girl from her struggle.
  "I'm sorry, little girl", he whispered.
  Crying out, the girl kicked furiously but it did her no good. Once the needle was injected in her arm, she felt a stab of pain but instantly felt her eyes slowly close. For the next few hours, she slept, not knowing that she was murmuring in her sleep.
  "Mama was there in the kitchen", she muttered dreamily. "She said she was going to make cupcakes for my party on Saturday. When she said that, a mean-looking man stormed in. He said that he was going to set the building on fire. Mama screamed and tried to shoo him out but he hit her with his gun. It was big. Then, he ran out in the hall and shot many people. Some of them were my friends. He was a very bad man."
  The officers sat and quickly wrote the girl's description.
  "The man didn't see me. He was really big with a long beard. I could hear people screaming. I saw that he had set one of the rooms on fire. He then spread the fire to all of the exits. Mrs. Rogers was running around to find her son. She didn't know that he was killed by the man. She then tripped and the man pushed her out the window. He laughed after he did that. I was scared. I then saw a hole in the wall. I crawled inside and kept on crawling until I found myself near the garbage cans. I miss Mama."
  By now, many officers were trying to restrain themselves from crying. One woman officer had a box of Kleenex next to her. Her eyes were swollen and red.
  "Poor girl", she cried out.
  The others nodded.
  However, one man who was taking notes didn't seem to be affected by the girl's story like the others had. He continued to glance behind him nervously and hesitantly took notes.
  "Mama said that someday, we could buy a big house in a safe place and it will only be just the two of us. She said that Daddy will look down at us and smile proudly. Now, I know that Mama and Daddy will be together again."
  The boss nudged the woman officer.
  "It's almost time", he said. She nodded in reply.
  Suddenly, the girl's eyes flew open. She looked confusedly at the crowd of officers standing around her. Her gaze then drifted on the man who seemed to be occupied in his notes.
  Instinctively, she pointed at him. "You are the bad man."
  He looked up in surprise.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 20th November 2006
I've no idea how old you are peeano, I'm not familiar with US school system. Middle school, 14? 15? 
 
For one so young, this is a really good attempt. I don't pretend to be a great writer, but I do read well. 
 
You have some great ideas for your pieces, but I always feel they are a bit rushed and underdeveloped - this one particularly so. There's always something there of worth - otherwise I wouldn't bother to post this. Perhaps it might be an idea to slow down a little. Really refine each and every piece you write until you know it couldn't be any better - then post it. 
 
These points (listed on site) might be of help as a starting point: 
 
 
TITLE - is it eye-catching, relevant to story? 
BEGINNING - Does it hook you, lead into the story, relevance 
VOICE/VIEWPOINT - Does it come across well, show personality, is it right for the story, well handled? 
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE - Do personalities show up; are they stereotypes; are they right for the story? 
USE OF ENGLISH/STYLE - Does it read well? Imaginitive use of language/imagery/layout, does it show 'sparkle'? Are there spelling errors/typos/jarring grammatical errors? 
DRAMA - Is there good use of action, enough tension/conflict? 
EMOTION - Are we swayed by the narrator and identify our emotions with the narrator? 
STORYLINE/PLOT - Is it evident? Is there a beginning,middle,end? Interesting/ original? 
THEME - What's the underlying meaning of the story? Was it evident? Understandable? 
ENDING - Are loose ends tied up? Are you let down? Was it expected/original? 
 
Hope you don't feel any of this is presumptuous or pretentious. You keep posting, and you're almost there. I'd like to see you get there and beyond. Always bear in mind how your reader will react to your text. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 20th November 2006
Phil gives good advice. This was a good beginning for a short but there wasn't enough detail. It felt rushed and the reader doesn't get the opportunity to connect emotionally with the piece. For example, you talk about people crying when they hear the little girls testimony but because we haven't had a lot of information/description concerning the events it makes it difficult to empathise. Hope that makes sense.  
 
At the moment it seems like you have lots of ideas but most of them don't get finished, spending more time on your pieces and posting less often may help you create a better finished product. As with Phil-not meaning to sound presumptuous! 
 
Elli

Written by Garrulous (108 comments posted) 20th November 2006
Have to agree with previous. I thought you started this strongly but while the ending was abrupt it was not dramatic. For me as soon as the little girl started describing the man and the officers started making notes I was waiting for it to be a police officer she was describing. Maybe then a better outcome would be to point the reader in the right direction but then have a cliffhanger ending where the girl is still out cold and the officer in question is alone with her. You've already talked about a potentially lethal drug so how easy would it be for the officer to inject her again and blame it on the first dose - you wouldn't necessarily need to be that obvious though - just some food for thought. 
 
Gar.

Written by peeano1 (86 comments posted) 20th November 2006
Thanks for the advice guys. Hey Phil, the middle school system in the U.S. generally goes from 6th grade to 8th grade which is around 11-14 years of age (that's what my district uses). I'm 14 years old. The junior high system which some districts use, such as Snohomish district for example, goes from 7th grade to 9th. That's around 12-15 years of age.
Hi Peeano
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 20th November 2006
I'll echo Phils comments - polish it up, its a good yarn - no excuse for spelling and typos, use a dictionary, proof-read before posting. 
 
You could be a really good writer if you try hard, I wish I had started at 14 and not 40! 
 
Good luck, 
 
Oli :)

Written by peeano1 (86 comments posted) 20th November 2006
Thanks. I'll make sure to check on those minor stuff...
Hi, peeano1
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 21st November 2006
A few quick comments -- let me say one more time that I would be thrilled if my kids could produce this. They do okay when they do try, but you're pretty far ahead. And you keep at it, too, which fills me with respect. 
 
I'm not so sure about that needle business, though. True, the police get up to some pretty awful things -- especially in some states -- but they aren't doctors and would have to fiddle around getting the dose right for a small child, too. I would personally change that part; I think I'd have the kid warm up to someone who reminded her of her mother or a favorite auntie, perhaps. 
 
Have you ever seen the movie 'Witness?' If not, get it out and watch it. The end of your story reminds me a little of one of the scenes in 'Witness,' and it might give you some useful ideas.
Good job.
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 21st November 2006
14? Wow!  
 
I don't have much to add to what's already been said. You started of wonderfully, and you sure have a rich style and an even richer imagination, but the end was a bit too abrupt.

Written by peeano1 (86 comments posted) 21st November 2006
I've never seen the movie 'Witness' before. Is it rated PG-13? I really can't watch any rated R stuff. Thanks for advice everybody!

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