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Great Writing - Home > Extended > Let no man put asunder - chapter 7
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Extended Work
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| Let no man put asunder - chapter 7 | |
| By LynB | ||
| 21 November 2006 | ||
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Chapter 7 As, once again, Emily wrapped her arms around him, and held him close to her heart, Jon was rendered completely incapable of speech. This silent declaration of love had touched him more than she would ever know. She lifted up her head, and looked him, her eyes searching his. “Please, daddy!” she said, her voice soft and gentle. “I know there’s something bothering you! If you tell me what it is, maybe I can help! My teacher said I’m good at helping people!” “Oh, Emily!” He managed to force a smile, despite the way he was feeling. “I’m sure you are, but I’m not sure you can help me! I’m not sure any one can!” “So you admit there’s something wrong, then!” she said, gently touching his face. “Why can’t you tell me?” “It’s difficult, Emily! It’s difficult because I don’t really know myself! As I said before, you wouldn’t understand, you’re only a child…..” “Just because I’m a child, doesn’t mean I don’t understand things! I know when people are happy and when they’re sad! I know you’re sad – and I want to know why! You’re angry, too, aren’t you? You shouted at David, and you made him cry! I’ve never heard you shout like that before, daddy! I’m so confused, and I’m – I’m a bit scared –“ “You – you’re scared of me?” he said, his eyes filling with tears. “There’s no need to be scared of me, Emily! I would never, ever hurt you – any of you! Shall I tell you something? I’m scared, too!” “Why, daddy?” “Because I’ve never felt like this before – and I don’t know what to do about it! I’m scared of the way I feel – I’ll do my best to explain, but I don’t know if it’ll make much sense – nothing makes much sense at the moment! Some days I feel really happy, and I feel I can do anything, then some days I feel so – so low, and that life has no meaning for me! The thing is, Emily, I have everything I’ve ever wanted – wife, children, lovely home, a career doing what I love the most, so there’s no reason for me to feel sad! No matter how hard I try, I can’t think of one single reason why I should feel sad! That’s what scares me, because I shouldn’t feel that way – yet I do! What scares me most of all is when I feel angry, because I feel so out of control. When you were with nanny and granddad, I got angry with mummy, and said some bad words to her, and I….” “And what, daddy?” prompted Emily, her eyes bright with tears. “What were you going to say?” “It doesn’t matter, Emily!” he said, tears beginning to spill down his face, his eyes so full of pain she could hardly bear to look at him. “Do you see what I mean? I don’t know what’s happening to me – that’s why I can’t explain it very well! I just feel so – so frightened!” “Oh, daddy!” Emily put her arms around his neck, her voice breaking. “There’s no need to be frightened – I’m here! Mummy’s here, too! I was frightened when I was on my own, but you’re not on your own – we’re all with you, and we all love you! We love you so much, daddy! Surely you must know that!” “Of course I do!” he whispered, as he hid his face in her hair, beginning to cry softly. “Even after I said those bad words to mummy, and after I shouted at her, she still loves me! I was so horrible to her, Emily – and I don’t know why, because I love her! I hated myself, Emily – in fact, whenever I think about it, I start hating myself all over again! I think I don’t deserve her – I don’t deserve any of you! That’s what scares me more than anything – that one day I’ll do something that will make you hate me, and you’ll leave me! The thing is, I can’t stop myself! When I feel angry, I feel it all bubbling up inside me like a volcano, and I try to stop it, but I can’t! I can’t stop it, Emily – I feel so angry – I just want to scream and shout because there’s so much hate inside me – so much hate - “ “Who do you hate, daddy?” said Emily, as she held him close, stroking his hair. “Is it someone I know?” “I don’t know!” he wept, gently pulling away from her, as he desperately fought for his self-control. “I don’t hate anyone! I just feel all these different feelings that I don’t understand! They all creep up on me without warning, and I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it! I’m sorry, Emily! I shouldn’t be subjecting you to this! It isn’t fair – if I can’t deal with it, how the hell can I expect you to?” “It’s all right, daddy!” said Emily, taking his hand. “No, it isn’t!” Neither of them had noticed Donna come into the room. Her eyes came to rest on Emily’s bewildered, tearstained face, then she glanced at Jon. What she said to him shocked him to the core. “You should be ashamed of yourself!” she said, putting her face so close to his, he could almost feel her breath. “Burdening your little girl with this – it isn’t right! She’s only ten years old! Look at her! She doesn’t know what to think! If you want to talk to someone – talk to me! If you don’t want to talk to me, talk to another adult! Don’t subject your children to it!” “She asked me, Donna! How could I tell her there was nothing wrong! She isn’t stupid – she knows there’s something going on! I’m not going to lie to her…” “You still shouldn’t be talking to her like this! It’s too much for her to take in! It’s too much for me to take in! How the hell do you expect her to deal with it?!” Stop being so damn selfish! You need to talk to someone who can help…” “What do you mean – someone who can help? Are you suggesting that I need a psychiatrist? Do you think I’m losing it? You think I’m out of my head? Is that it? Come on, Donna! You started this – so finish it! If you think I’m going nuts, then say so! You’re never usually backward in coming forward, are you? Come on! Tell me! I’m going round the bloody twist, aren’t I? Why don’t you just come out and say it! Come on, say it!!” “Stop shouting, daddy!” begged Emily, reaching out for Donna. “I don’t like it when you shout! I don’t like it, you’re scary!” “See what you’ve done!” hissed Donna, putting her arms around her daughter. “Your own daughter is scared of you! Makes you feel good, does it?” “Oh, shit!” he said, under his breath. “Oh Jesus Christ, what’s happening to me? I’m sorry, Emily! I’m so sorry!” “Don’t be sorry, Jon!” said Donna, as she looked at him over Emily’s shoulder. “Just get help! Please, in the name of God, get help! For once, don’t let your pride get in the way! This time, I can’t deal with it – I’ve never seen you this way before, and I don’t know what to do! That’s mainly because I don’t know what’s causing it! I’ll be here for you, but you still need to get help! Promise me you will, sweetheart! Please, promise me!” He did not answer her, but just got up and left the room, making his way upstairs. The look of sheer hopelessness and defeat that he gave her was like a knife in her heart – it was a look she had never seen before. There was a time she had thought that she could cope with anything life could throw at them – but this was different. For once, she could not work out what was so terribly wrong – it was almost as though he was a different person – she knew him, yet she didn’t. She knew that did not make sense, yet nothing seemed to make sense at the moment. Her train of thought was interrupted when Emily looked up and spoke to her. “Will daddy be all right, mummy?” she said, her blue eyes full of tears. “He seems so angry, but really sad at the same time! He said he doesn’t know why!” “I don’t think he does, Emily!” said Donna, feeling close to tears herself. “That’s what I find so heartbreaking! The man I love is going through hell, and I can’t help him, because I don’t know what’s wrong! What kind of wife am I, Emily?” “The best, mummy! I know you’ll help daddy – you’ll find a way! You’ll find a way because you love him! Sometimes things are quite simple, really!” Unable to respond to such eloquence, Donna just held her close, hoping and praying that she was right. They spent the rest of the day just going through the motions, mainly for the children’s sake, but secretly they were glad when it was time to go to bed. Then they could just curl up, pull the covers over their heads, and forget the world existed – if only for a while. That was the theory. While Donna managed to get some sleep, for Jon it was quite a different story. He lay awake for most of the night, unmoving, sometimes just staring at the ceiling – so many thoughts and questions crowding his tortured mind. He wished sleep would claim him, but, somehow it never did, no matter how hard he tried. All too soon, the sun began to stream through the curtains, signifying the beginning of another new day. He sighed and turned over, cursing as the sun shining in his eyes triggered off a series of uncontrollable sneezes. “Bless you!” said Donna, turning over to face him. “Are you all right?” “Sorry I woke you!” he said, looking a little shamefaced. “It was the sun shining in my eyes! It gets me every time! Go on – you go back to sleep!” “Well, if you’re sure….” “Positive!” he said, throwing back the duvet. “I’m getting up now! Don’t worry about the kids – I’ll deal with them! You deserve a rest!” As he closed the bedroom door behind him, silence still reigned. He could not believe they were all still asleep. Noticing Emily’s bedroom door was ajar, he gently pushed it open, and peeped around it. Sensing someone was there, she turned her head, and smiled when she saw him. She held out her hand, beckoning him to come closer. “Did I wake you?” he said, sitting on her bed – he looked almost nervous, Emily thought. “No!” she replied, taking his hand in hers. “I was already awake! I thought you were mummy!” “Well, as you can see, I’m not!” he said, managing a smile. “She’s still asleep! Will I do?” “Of course you’ll do!” said Emily, her smile warming his heart. “Do you feel better this morning, daddy?” “A little, I suppose!” he said, his head bowed, his voice low. “But I’m still not completely better yet! Don’t worry, I will be!” “Who gave you this, daddy?” said Emily, noticing the eternity ring on his finger. “That isn’t your wedding ring, is it? Where did you get it?” “Auntie Eileen gave us one each!” he said, his voice shaking. “Mummy has one, too! They mean that we’ll love each other for ever!” “I really miss Auntie Eileen!” said Emily, her eyes filling with tears. “I wish she was still here! I dream about her, sometimes! I loved her so much! You miss her, don’t you, daddy – I can tell! Maybe if she was here, you could talk to her! I bet she’d be able to tell you why you’re so frightened, daddy! She always knew what to do, didn’t she?” His reaction to her words was totally unexpected. He stared at her, quite unable to speak. Tears poured down his face, and his features contorted in pain, as he fought in vain to control himself. It was almost as if her words had triggered something inside him that had lain dormant until now. He lay his head on her lap, and sobbed without shame or restraint. Emily did not say a word, but just gazed down at him, stroking his hair, her little heart silently breaking along with his. Without even trying, she had hit the nail on the head. No doctor had been necessary – all it had taken a few words from his little daughter to finally break down his defences and release his pent up pain. This was a start – but little did either of them know it would be some considerable time before his life would ever be the same again.
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