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Great Writing - Home > Extended > Let no man put asunder - chapter 10
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Extended Work
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| Let no man put asunder - chapter 10 | |
| By LynB | ||
| 21 November 2006 | ||
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Chapter 10 There was an awkward silence for the next few minutes, while he fought for his self-control, rubbing furiously at his eyes with a crumpled tissue. She waited patiently for him to speak again, a look of compassion and understanding on her face. He gave her an embarrassed sideways glance, a little unsure of what to say. Somehow, she seemed to sense this, and took the initiative. “I think we’ve made a breakthrough here” she said, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Your reaction when I mentioned Eileen speaks volumes. Her death obviously had a profound effect on you.” “Not much gets past you, does it?” he said, looking away in attempt to hide the tears that suddenly sprang to his eyes. “I can see why you’re so good at your job!” When she did not answer, he realised that he had spoken out of turn, and immediately apologised. She did not read too much into his comments – as far she could see, there was no real anger behind them, just bitterness and pain. It was obvious that the way in which he had discovered Eileen was still haunting him, despite what he had said to his family. The pent up grief, the days and nights away from home, and the overwhelming tiredness, after nightly performances, putting his heart and soul into every show – it had all come to a head now the counsellor had hit upon one of the main reasons for his bewildering mood swings. Eventually, she spoke. “Yes” she said, her voice gentle. “It is because I’m good at my job that I can tell you, after talking to you, and listening to you, that you’re suffering from a mental breakdown. You may not want to believe it, not many people accept it at first, but once they do, there is plenty of help available.” “What are you trying to tell me?” he said, his voice so quiet she could hardly hear him. “I’m losing my mind? Is that it?” “I wouldn’t have put it quite like that” she replied, her heart aching for him. “A breakdown can be triggered by any number of things – in your case, it was the death of someone very dear to you. Obviously, until now, you’ve kept it all inside and tried to deny your feelings. You’ve buried them so deeply, that, when you started to fall apart, you were at a loss to understand why.” “It all makes sense now – I just couldn’t see it at the time. I’ve got so much making up to do – my wife, my children. I’ve made their lives so miserable, but even though I knew I was hurting them, I couldn’t stop myself. That’s what scared me more than anything – I feel so out of control…” “There is light at the end of the tunnel. If you let me, I can help you find it.” “Where’s daddy?” said Rosie, as she tried on her school uniform for at least the third time that day. “He’s been gone a long time!” “He’s gone to the doctor’s” replied Emily, from behind a magazine. “He should be back soon!” “I didn’t know he was poorly” said Rosie, looking surprised. “What’s wrong with him?” “I heard him tell mummy he thought he’d lost his mind!” said Emily, looking puzzled. “Whatever that means!” Donna was shocked, but pretended she had not heard Emily’s reply. She had not yet worked out what she was going to tell them. She thought they were all too young to understand what was happening to Jon – even Emily. Even though she was mature for her age, Donna thought that this would be too much for her to take in. Her train of thought was interrupted as the door opened, and she heard his footsteps in the hall. As he opened the living room door, his appearance shocked her. He looked pale and tired, and his eyes were red and swollen from where he had been crying. This was not lost on Donna, but she decided not to comment on it in front of the children – she would talk to him later about what had happened at the counselling session. He sat down next to her on the sofa, kissing her gently on the cheek. “How did it go, love?” she said, her dark eyes full of concern. Before Jon could draw breath, Rosie piped up. She always believed in getting straight to the point, and that particular day was no exception. “Did you find it, daddy?” she said, climbing on to his lap. “Where was it?” “Did I find what?” he replied, looking totally mystified. “Your mind!” said Rosie, looking up at him. “Emily said you told mummy you’d lost it. I was just wondering if you’d found it!” As Jon glanced at Donna, the look on his face was one that she would never forget. He looked totally bewildered, as though he had just been slapped. His blue eyes were so full of pain that Donna could hardly bear to look at him. Although he knew that Rosie, at just four years of age, could not possibly understand the enormity of her question, and the pain she had inadvertently caused him, he still felt hurt beyond belief. Just what had Donna told them? Feeling his composure begin to crack, he made the excuse that he had a bad headache, and left the room, making his way upstairs. He lay down on the bed for a while, trying to pull himself together, then, plastering on a smile, he went back downstairs, putting on a brave face for the sake of his family. “I’m starting school tomorrow, daddy!” said Rosie, smiling up at him. “Do you like my uniform?” “Yes, I do!” he said, picking her up, her smile warming his heart. “You look beautiful! You’re a big girl now – not a baby any more!” “Will you come to school with me, daddy?” she said, wrapping her arms around his neck, and planting a gentle kiss on his cheek. “I want you and mummy to come! Will you come, daddy, please?” The thought of facing all those people filled him with dread, but he did not want to disappoint his little girl, so he just held her tight, and told her that nothing would stop him from being there. Donna noticed the look of doubt on his face, and her heart ached for him, especially when he looked at her over Rosie’s shoulder, his pain all too evident. Luckily, his children seemed blissfully ignorant as to what was going on, and for that he was thankful. When, at long last, darkness fell, and all the children were in bed, Donna took the opportunity to talk to him about his visit to the counsellor. She placed a cup of coffee in front of him, and sat down next to him, taking his hand in hers. She was shocked when he pulled it free, but decided not to comment. “How did it go then?” she said, trying to keep the tremor out of her voice. “Before I tell you, I’d like to ask you a question first” he said, his voice taking on a bitter edge. “Why did my four year old daughter ask me if I’d found my mind?! What the hell have you been telling them?” “Keep your voice down, Jon!” she pleaded, shocked at his sudden outburst. “I didn’t tell them anything. Emily overheard you ask me if I thought you were losing your mind! I didn’t even realise she was awake, so I had no idea what she’d overheard until today! I was as shocked as you are!” “I doubt it!” he said, his voice low and angry. “Have you any idea how that made me feel?” “She doesn’t even know what it means, Jon!” she protested, feeling her eyes fill with tears. “She didn’t mean to hurt you! Please, tell me, how did your session go?” “I’ll tell you, shall I?” he said, as though she had not even spoken. “I felt so inadequate, so small! For the first time in my life, I didn’t know what to say to my own daughter! For the first time ever, I don’t feel like a man – I feel just like a child. I feel scared, I just want to hide away and forget the rest of the world exists. I’d give anything to feel my mum’s arms around me right now….” “Won’t mine do?” said Donna, her eyes burning with unshed tears. “Please, love, let me help you! Don’t shut me out – it breaks my heart to see you like this! Come on, talk to me – tell me what happened today!” “Well, in a nutshell, she told me I was cracking up” he said, staring straight ahead. “She said I was suffering a mental breakdown, obviously caused by the death of someone dear to me! I told her about Eileen, and how I’d found her, and everything just came flooding out! She seemed to think it was the cause of all my problems, and because I’d kept it inside, it had built up, and everything had become too much. I’d kept it inside for so long, Donna, that it didn’t even occur to me that could be the cause of what was happening to me. Strangely enough, even though I know, it still doesn’t make me feel any better!” “Go easy on yourself, love!” said Donna, her voice gentle. “It won’t all go away overnight. You have to take each day at a time – tell yourself you’ll feel a little better every day. You know I’ll be here for you – I won’t let you go through it alone!” “But that’s how I feel – totally alone! I feel as if no one else can possibly understand what’s happening to me – that I’m in my own little world. I don’t feel anyone can reach me!” “Won’t you let me try?” she said, her voice trembling. “I love you so much, and it’s tearing me apart seeing you like this! I know I can reach you, if only you’ll let me try! Just one step at a time, love! That’s all I ask!” “Will you do something for me, please, Donna?” “Of course I will! Anything you want!” “Give me a hug! Don’t say anything – just hold me!” Quite unable to speak, she reached out and put her arms around him, pulling him close. He held on to her like a drowning person to a lifebelt, laying his head on her shoulder. As he had requested, she did not say anything, but just held him close, gently rocking him in her arms, just as she did the children. Suddenly, he lifted his head up, and looked at her, tears rolling down his face. “It will get better, won’t it, Donna?” he said, his voice shaking. “Please, tell me it will!” “Of course it will!” she said, cupping his face in her hands, gently wiping the tears away with her thumbs. “Come on – I think we could both do with any early night! We’re both tired, and we need to be refreshed for Rosie’s first day at school!” He did not answer, but just let her lead him upstairs, where he slipped into a deep, yet troubled sleep. Occasionally, she would hear him talking to himself, like he had before – just the gentle touch of her hand would calm him, and eventually she fell asleep herself. She had been told that sleep was nature’s healer, but something told her that it would take a lot more than sleep to ease his pain. The next day was a big day in all their lives – Rosie’s first day at school. Emily was disappointed that she could not go with them, but she assured Rosie she was looking forward to hearing all about her day. She told her that she would love school just as much as she did, and that there was nothing to worry about. Rosie did not seem worried – nothing seemed to faze her. She was a very laid back child, who took everything in her stride, and her sometimes comical anecdotes were a source of constant amusement to her parents. After they had dropped Emily off, they carried on to Rosie’s school. She was bouncing excitedly in her seat, until Jon told her to sit still, otherwise he would stop the car. Much to Donna’s amusement, she poked her tongue out at him, and immediately sat still, her arms folded, her face a picture of petulance. Her mood soon changed when Donna promised to take her to McDonald’s as a special treat when school was over. As they walked up the path to the playground, Rosie began to look a little bewildered at the sight of all the people milling around her, and stayed very close to her mother. Eventually, they reached her classroom, and walked inside, where her teacher, and several other children, turned around to look. The teacher came over, and greeted them warmly. She bent down to talk to Rosie, her smile immediately putting the little girl at ease. “Hello!” she said. “I’m Mrs. Harrison, and I’m your teacher! What’s your name?” “Rosie!” was the virtually whispered reply. “This is my mummy, and my daddy! And, this is my sister Clare, and my brother David!” “Pleased to meet you all!” she said, smiling at Clare, and gently tickling David’s tummy. “Thank you for introducing me, Rosie! Would you like to come and sit over here? I’ll show you your special drawer, with your name on it, and we’ll talk about all the things we’re going to do today! How does that sound?” “Excellent!” said Rosie, to everyone’s amusement. “I think I’m going to like it here!” “Do you mind if we go now?” said Donna, crouching down in front of her. “We’ll come and get you later on, and you can tell us all about it!” “She’ll be fine!” said Mrs. Harrison, smiling at her. She gestured discreetly at Jon, who had not said a word. “Is your husband all right? He’s very quiet, isn’t he, and he looks rather pale!” “He’s okay!” whispered Donna. “He’s not been too well, lately, and it’s taken its toll on him. He’ll be fine once we get home!” Reassured by this, the teacher turned her attention to the children, and Jon and Donna turned to leave, closing the door behind them. As they walked down the path, and through the lower playground, Donna realised that Jon had still not spoken, and she turned to look at him. Beads of sweat were standing on his forehead, and his eyes were wide, with what seemed like fear. “What’s up, love?” she said, putting her hand on his arm. “Are you all right?” “All these people!” he said, looking around him. “So many people! I need some air….” “What do you mean?” she said, puzzled. He sang to crowds of several thousand people virtually every night when he was away – so why was he scared of this relatively small number? “Need some air!” he repeated, his voice rising, as his fear intensified. “Got to get home! I can’t breathe, Donna, I can’t breathe! Oh, Jesus, where’s the car…” She stood there for a split second, totally shell shocked, as he broke into a run, and tore off in the direction of the car park, not stopping for anyone or anything. Then, gathering her wits about her, she ran after him. She found him standing next to the car, leaning on the door, as he fought for breath, his hand on his chest. The panic in his eyes was all too evident, as he stared at her, silently pleading with her to help him. Ignoring the stares and whispers, she put a gentle hand on his shoulder, and, unlocking the car, she persuaded him to get into the passenger seat, while she put Clare and David into the back. As she got into the driving seat, she noticed that his breathing was becoming slower, and he leaned back in the seat, desperately fighting for his self-control. “Daddy poorly?” said Clare, her voice trembling – she was close to tears. “No, he isn’t poorly, sweetheart!” said Donna, trying to reassure her. “He just felt a little faint, that’s all, and he wanted to get back to the car! He’s been working hard, and he’s very tired. He’ll be fine soon, you’ll see!” Satisfied with that, Clare lay back in her seat, and before they had left the car park, she was asleep, along with David. Donna glanced at Jon. He was calm now, but she could see that he was still scared out of his wits. Donna knew it was all part and parcel of what was happening to him, but somehow that did not make him feel any better. He turned to her, tears streaming down his face, and despite his best efforts not to, he began to sob. “Oh, God, Donna! What the hell happened back there? If I lost my nerve in the middle of those people, how on earth am I going to face an audience of God knows how many thousands? I can’t do it, Donna! I just can’t!” “But, love, singing is your life! You’ll find a way, I know you will!” “How can I?” he said, his voice taking on a hopeless tone. “If I can’t face a crowd of people in the school playground, how on earth can I sing to thousands of people in the Royal Albert Hall? I can’t, Donna! I can’t!” “But you’re one of the country’s most promising young tenors! Are you really going to give all that up?” “Feeling the way I do at the moment, I can’t see any other way out!” he said, the expression on his face breaking her heart. “but the thought of not being able to go out there and sing is tearing me apart! It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do – if I can’t sing, I’d be better off dead!”
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