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Great Writing - Home > Extended > Let no man put asunder - chapter 12
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Extended Work
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| Let no man put asunder - chapter 12 | |
| By LynB | ||
| 21 November 2006 | ||
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Chapter 12 There was an uneasy silence for a few minutes, as he tried to digest what Donna had just said. His mind raged with every conceivable emotion, as he tried to make sense of it. He felt so confused. The words she had just said sent a chill through his heart, yet she still held him fast, unmoving, as if she did not want to let him go. Eventually, he could keep quiet no longer, and he pulled away from her. He turned his back on her, while he tried to regain some degree of dignity, and when, at last, he faced her, the pain in his eyes was more than she could bear. “What are you trying to say, Donna?” he said, his voice a strangled whisper. “Please, I need you! I need you more than I’ve ever needed anyone in my life! I know that sometimes my behaviour is inexcusable, but I can’t control how I feel! That’s what scares me more than anything! I don’t want to be like this, Donna! You said you’d be here for me! Please, knowing you’re here is the only thing that’s keeping me going at the moment! I can’t do this alone! Please, Donna, please….” His voice broke, and he did not trust himself to carry on. Donna could see he was fighting to control himself, and her heart ached for him. She felt her eyes fill with tears, and it was all she could do not to take him in her arms again, and tell him everything would be all right, but she knew that it was far from the truth. “Please, Jon!” she whispered, her voice trembling. “You’re breaking my heart! I told you, I still love you more than life itself, and I want more than anything to help you! I’ve tried and tried! I’ve talked to you, held you, cried with you! I’ve listened while you poured your heart out to me! The times when you shouted and swore at me, I still loved you, because I knew it wasn’t really you saying those awful things! I knew that behind all that terrible anger was the dear, sweet, gentle guy I fell in love with. It seems that, whatever I do, I can’t get through to you! I don’t want to give up on you, but I don’t know what else to do…” “You can’t, Donna! Please, you can’t leave me! I’m begging you! I’ll get down on my knees if I have to! Please!” “I won’t leave you!” she said, taking his hands in hers. “I’m just telling you – I don’t know how much longer I can live like this! Look, we’ll have to talk later – I can hear David crying!” “I’ll get him!” he said, disappearing upstairs before she had a chance to argue with him. Donna watched from the kitchen doorway, as he sat on the sofa with his tiny son, gently rocking him in his arms, singing softly to him. She felt a lump in her throat as the baby’s eyes fixed firmly upon his daddy’s face, his gaze unwavering, even after the final notes died away. She realised that she had not completely lost the man she loved – that God given voice she loved so well was still there, as rich and vibrant as ever. No matter how many times she heard him sing, it still filled her heart with untold joy – someone had once said his voice was ‘balm to the soul’. If only he could find some for his own…… “Do you want to feed him, love?” she said, offering him a bottle of milk. He looked at her doubtfully for a second, then he took the milk and offered it to David. He sucked hungrily, his tiny hands clasped around the bottle, still not taking his eyes off his daddy. “He wouldn’t take it for me last time!” he said, glancing at Donna, as she sat next to him on the sofa. “I shouted at him, and made him cry! I didn’t think he’d want me to do it, I thought he’d…..” “Please, Jon!” she said, softly, putting her hand on his arm. “Don’t torment yourself over what happened in the past! Let it lie! He’s too young to remember it! Children love you unconditionally, they don’t hold grudges! It’s very simple as far as he’s concerned – you’re his daddy and he loves you.” “I love him, too! I love all of you, and I know my life would be so much poorer if any of you were missing. I just don’t want to drive you all away!” “Hopefully it won’t come to that” she said, kissing him gently. “but we both know how uncertain things are at the moment. Let’s take it one day at a time. Come on, it’s time to go and collect Rosie from school. She’s only part-time at the moment, remember!” “Are you sure you want me to come? I mean, Clare’s still asleep, isn’t she? Why don’t I stay here, so you don’t have to wake her up? It’s not fair to wake her up, is it? You go and get Rosie, and I’ll wait here!” “You know I never like her to sleep too long during the day – she’ll never sleep at night, otherwise! I’ll go and wake her up, while you get David ready!” With that she disappeared upstairs to wake Clare, fully realising the reasons behind Jon’s reluctance to come with her, but choosing to ignore it – for his sake. She knew that if he gave in to his fears, they would eventually get a grip on him that would prove extremely difficult to break. As she came back into the living room with Clare, she saw the pleading look in his eyes, and felt terribly guilty for forcing him into doing something he desperately wanted to avoid. Clare looked at him, and then at Donna, not quite sure what to do. Holding David in one arm, he held his hand out to her. “It’s all right, sweetheart!” he said, as she slowly made her way towards him. “I’m not going to shout at you – come and give me a hug! Please!” He held her close, gently running his fingers through her blonde curls. He felt tears stinging his eyes, but blinked them away before anyone saw them. “Do you love daddy, Clare?” he said, trying to hide the tremor in his voice. “Yes” she said, as she looked up at him, her eyes full of an emotion he could not quite fathom. “I do love you, daddy! You’re not going to shout, are you?” “No” he replied, gently touching her cheek. “I’m not going to shout, because I know you don’t like it! No more shouting, I promise!” Later that day, as he sat on the sofa, with Emily and Rosie vying for his attention, for a while it seemed that Donna had got the old Jon back – the one she knew and loved. As he listened to Rosie’s account of her first day at school, smiling fondly at her, sometimes laughing at her comical turns of phrase, it was very easy to forget how fragile his emotions were at the moment, and how quickly things could change. Still, she was making the most of these precious moments, when he seemed at peace with himself, surrounded by the children he adored. When the three youngest children had gone to bed, he was left alone with Emily. As she looked at him, she seemed to sense that it would not take much to break down his defences, so she just wrapped her arms around him, and lay her head on his chest, little realising just how much her unspoken gesture of love meant to him. He gently stroked her hair, kissing the top of her head. He did not trust himself to speak, but just held her close. He had not helped to create her, but as far as she was concerned, he was the only daddy she wanted. He had fought for her love, and had never given up on her – she would never forget that. Eventually she spoke. “How are you feeling, daddy?” she said, looking earnestly into his eyes. “I’m feeling a little better, Emily” he replied, not wanting to worry her. “I’m getting better every day. I’ll be fine soon, you’ll see!” “I know you will” she said, her head slowly sinking back down on to his chest, as tiredness began to take over. “It’ll be all right, daddy! When I say my prayers at night, I always say one for you! I talk to Auntie Eileen, too! I look at the sky and I ask her to watch over you! If she’s watching you, you know you’ll make it!” Before he could reply, Donna reappeared, and told her that it was time for her to go to bed. She gave him a goodnight kiss, and carried her upstairs. When Donna came downstairs, she found him curled up on the sofa, clutching a cushion to his chest, as he sobbed uncontrollably. She was shocked – what on earth had happened? He had seemed so happy earlier on. She had not heard Emily’s parting words, so she had no idea what had happened to trigger his latest anguished outburst. She sat on the edge of the sofa, putting a tentative hand on his shoulder; she was shocked when he shook it off. “Whatever’s the matter, love?” she said, putting her hand out again, then thinking better of it. “Please, tell me, what is it?” “Why did she have to say that?” he wept, tears flooding down his face. “I was doing all right, for a while! I thought maybe I was getting better! I was actually beginning to feel happy, then she had to say that! Why, Donna, why did she say it?” “Say what, love?” she said, totally mystified. “Did Emily say something to you? You’re not making any sense! I can’t help if I don’t know what you’re talking about!” “Oh, it doesn’t matter! I don’t want to go over it again! I can’t! I just can’t! It hurts too much! It hurts….” “You used to tell me everything!” said Donna, feeling her eyes fill with tears. “Now, every time I talk to you, you just clam up! You shut me out! It’s almost as though you don’t want me near you! Please, love, talk to me!” She made one last desperate attempt at consolation, putting her hand on his shoulder. As he sat up, she put her arms around his neck, gently running her fingers through his hair. He took hold of her hands, and pushed them away, but she was not that easily put off. She tried again, pulling him close to her, but once again, he resisted her efforts and pushed her away again, a little more roughly than the last time. He stood over her, as she gazed him, wide eyed with fear, a look of total bewilderment on her face. His blue eyes glittered with a fiery anger she had never seen until now – they were the only thing about him that seemed alive. “Didn’t you hear what I said?” His voice was low and angry, but it seemed to fill the whole room. “I don’t want to go over it again! I don’t want to think about it! I don’t want to remember it! I don’t want to talk about! Have you got that?!! Right, I’m going to bed!” “Oh, Jon, I don’t know what to do!” “Do what you bloody well like! I really don’t give a shit!” With that, he left the room, and went upstairs, leaving her totally stunned. She could feel her eyes burning, and her throat tightened, but somehow, there seemed to be no strength left in her for tears. She got up, and went over to the wedding photo on the wall, and gently traced the outline of his face with her finger. Her gaze lingered on the smile on his face, and the fire of love in his eyes, and wondered how the hell it had come to this. Her train of thought was broken by the doorbell ringing. Who the hell was it this late in the evening? There was only one way to find out. As she opened the door, she was most surprised to see Steve standing there. “Can I come in for a minute, Donna?” he said. “Please?” “Of course! Is everything all right, Steve?” She was absolutely astounded, as he covered his face with his hands, weeping softly. “No, it isn’t! It’s Laura – she’s left me!”
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