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By gutterkitty
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21 November 2006 |
I'm not sure if the structure and rhythm of this work. Let me know :)
I’m crying in the shower, an old cliché
I wrap round myself like a towel
as I step out. frayed and bobbly, its warm bits transform me
and I’m seven years old again. and the yellow walls
are all steamed with tears,
and the yellow seeps into my fresh warm pores.
I’m seven again, sitting on the bathroom floor,
breathing out steam and fog
that clings to the window, clings to my skin. head bent
like a baby bird, baby skin
soft and I touch my nose to my knees.
the towel obscures the yellow light, the yellow walls
and all is skin, I wrap myself
in nakedness and pores. and I’m remembering
being seven, clambering out of the bath tub
and being scared of that in-between moment,
when air shouted at skin, too cold
and drying myself took too long, rubbed
goosebumps on pink skin.
I sit on the floor,
dip my head into the warmth of my chest, and breathe.
here in this huddle of towel and breath I am
quietly pushing the in-betweeness away.
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Interesting stuff
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 21st November 2006 | 'I wrap round myself like a towel
as I step out.'
Do you really mean 'like' or could this just be wrapping a towel around yourself?
'its warm bits transform me'
I like the idea, know exactly what you mean but I'm not sure that 'bits' is the right word here-has the wrong resonances for me.
Also not sure about the concept of wrapping yourself in pores-doesn't really work for me as an image.
I'm not sure you need to actually say 'seven' each time-especially the last one-it could just be 'remembering...'
Some of the enjambements work well in this eg. head bent/like a baby bird. Others I'm not sure about-if you're going to run over the end of every verse then I'd say does it really need ot be in verses at all because you're losing the impact of runing over a large break by doing it repeatedly. So, if I were you I'd play with the structure but as a whole I like it very much.
E
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Written by JourneyAtNight (307 comments posted) 21st November 2006 | I'm no expert on poetry, but I thought the structure and rhythm were very good. It all seemed to link well to create a chain of flashing memories, and the end product was an evocative, captivating piece of poetry.
I liked the repetition of the word 'yellow' it added that nostalgic 'glow' of childhood memories.
Personally, I liked this very much.
Best wishes,
JAN x |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 21st November 2006 | | I also like a lot about this poem -- the yellow seeping into fresh warm pores is a nice image. I like the air shouting at the skin, too. The air is doing a lot of shouting at my skin just now (no socks, freezing cold room). |
Written by Phil (6435 comments posted) 21st November 2006 | Lots to like about this. Struck a chord. It's odd when personal histories strike.
Agree with much of what Elli has to say (Less the technical words I don't understand) but well worth a read.
All the best,
Phil. |
Written by Talisker (1309 comments posted) 21st November 2006 | Says lots to me about the vulnerability of nakedness, I see the condensation "tears" running down the cold yellow walls. I feel the bobbliness of the old towel (old are best!), I like the "cold air shouting at skin"
Elli's right I think, "wrap round myself like a towel" is OK, but then to immediately introduce a "real" towel detracts from the metaphor.
Altogether an almost brilliant piece, with all sorts of hidden connotations and depth. Like Phil says, will mean a lot of different things to different people. A poem with elastic interpretation which works.
Super!
Oli   (5.00 am!!!) | mm
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 10th April 2007 | There's something really potent here, you've captured the senses, images and feelings really well - if feels like a memory. Read it over for small refinments, but it's ver strong
well done gk =)
clo x |
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