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Comedy
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| The Greatest Story Ever Told | |
| By robokent | ||||||||||||
| 21 November 2006 | ||||||||||||
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With thanks to Gerard for some useful advice and direction... A note on the format: I realize I put too many parenthetical directions into the lines, but it's done purposely to add to the written humor of the piece. Please comment on how this piece reads on the page, and how you think it would be received when spoken... R Kent drops in at the Torino International Book Festival. He holds a sack full of the first thirty pages of his literary masterpiece, ready to meet with agents and publishers, who will surely be drooling all over themselves in order to get the rights to his novel. R Kent (eagerly approaching Literary Agent): Hello, I’m R Kent. (Sticks out his hand in traditional sign of greeting known as ‘handshake’.) Literary Agent (thinly smiling, hands remaining firmly crossed on top of table): I’m sorry, I can’t shake your hand. R Kent (pulling back hand as not to offend the mighty Literary Agent): Oh, okay. Uh, well, anyway, I was wondering if you accept unsolicited queries from – Literary Agent (looking at watch): Do you have an agent? R Kent: No, actually… I thought you were an a – Literary Agent (rolling her eyes): Yes, I am an agent. But I don’t look at unagented scripts. R Kent (trying to remain calm): Well, but you’re an agent, right? Literary Agent (scanning room): Yes. R Kent: So… if you’re a literary agent, and you’re looking for new clients, then wouldn’t you by definition be looking for unagented scripts? Literary Agent (scanning room, checking watch, rolling eyes): Look, if you’re going to take that attitude with me, I don’t think you’re ready for a professional relationship. At least not with me. So, good luck with finding an agent. Goodbye. R Kent’s mouth drops open. He slowly backs away, wondering what just happened. Not one to give up easily, he girds himself for Literary Agent 2. R Kent (approaching Literary Agent 2, making sure to keep his hand firmly at his side): Excuse me? Literary Agent 2 (smiling, looking up from a book): Hi there! R Kent (momentarily surprised at outward gesture of kindness): Hi! My name’s R Kent, and I’m looking for representation. Would you be interested in hearing my pitch? Literary Agent 2: Sure, I would! You know, a young man like yourself surely has a lot to say about the world, and you’ve got the air about you that says you truly have a unique perspective on things. I’m sure you’ve worked very hard on your novel, and it will probably find a great home one day at a top publishing house. Unfortunately, I don’t feel your material is quite right for me. As you probably know, I’ve already spoken with well over six hundred people today, and I just don’t have time to really give you each the serious consideration and attention that your work so rightfully deserves. While I wish you the best with your work, I’m going to have to pass. Thank you so much for thinking of me, and good luck. R Kent (beyond befuddlement, wondering what cruel joke this woman is trying to play on him): Uh, but… I didn’t get a chance to even – Literary Agent 2 (eyes already focused back on book in front of her): Thank you! Goodbye! R Kent’s shoulders slump. He looks around vast convention hall, wondering if anyone in the room will even give him the time of day. Dejected, he decides to try one more. He approaches Literary Agent 3, trying to mask the sense of despair growing inside him. R Kent: Sir? Hi, I’m sorry… do you have a minute? Literary Agent 3 (looking up from writing on a notepad): Hello there, young man. What can I do for you? R Kent (deciding the best strategy is to plow right into the meat of his pitch): Well, sir, my name is R Kent, and I’m wondering if you wouldn’t mind if I took a moment of your time to tell you about a novel I’ve written. It’s a historical novel, set from roughly about six thousand years ago until around 1900 years ago. It takes place in the Middle East, an epic of love and war, of slaves struggling to overthrow their evil masters, of perilous voyages, of heroes and villains, of sin and redemption. I’ve divided it into two parts, which I call ‘testaments’, and each testament is subdivided into ‘books’. I use a variety of narrative techniques. I weave poetry into the text, and the ending is a real humdinger of a finish. I have the first thirty pages here, if you’d like to take a look. Literary Agent 3 can’t resist. It sounds like an awesome read, something he could sell. R Kent hands him over the copy, and he thumbs through it, seemingly enthralled with the opening chapter, which R Kent calls ‘Genesis’. After a few minutes, Literary Agent 3 closes the manuscript and looks up at R Kent. R Kent (tingling all over, sure he’s sold the man on his work): So? What’d you think? Literary Agent 3 (passing the manuscript back to R Kent): Sorry, kid. Been done before. R Kent (downtrodden, contemplating suicide): It… has? Literary Agent: Yeah, take your pick, Tolkien, Rowling, C.S. Lewis, Robert Graves… it’s not fresh. I can’t market this. Better luck next time. R Kent turns away, so drained of life he can barely mutter a thank you to the man as he shuffles out of the convention hall, dropping his sack full of ‘Geneses’ in the trash can.
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