wattle - no one special, just a dreamer who found an old pen. “Luchi! What are you doing in my kitchen? I tell you fellow if you have made a mess in here I’ll have you on your back on the floor begging.” A rather bemused Teresa spoke as she came down the hallway from the front door.
“Oh you're home, Teresa. How was your luncheon? Down on these tiles begging for more you say, and just for throwing a few vegetables on the bench.” Luchi said, as he turned to greet Teresa in the doorway for a welcome home embrace.
Teresa welcomed him with open arms yet still found time to eye the bench over his shoulder. Cabbage, peppers, turnips… “I wonder. Still I guess this is better than the motorcycle chains and gaskets of his last visit to the kitchen, thirty years ago,” she thought as she again pressed her question, “Don’t try and change the topic, you rather evil thinking Italian love machine. Now are you going to tell me why you are in my Kitchen with these phallic symbols spread before you on my bench, or do I have to beat it out of you with one of my stirring spoons.”
“And while you’re about it, where did these turnips come from? Don’t you dare tell me you stole them from some sweet little Italian lady's garden, you just happened to be visiting while I was out.”
“No, no not me, I went to the markets and carried them all that way home on my own; no handsome neighbour offered me a lift in their swanky sports car. If you must know we’re on a diet, it’s your sister’s fault. She said we were putting on weight, last Sunday. She said, you are getting flabby and told me I was looking tied.”
“So I’ve decided to do something about it, we are going on the kick-start diet. I found it on the Internet. It’s the rage in Australia. We eat nothing but vegetable soup for a week and we will loose 25 pounds each,“ Luchi proudly explained only to receive Teresa’s quick rebuke.
“Nothing but soup for a week; Luchi! Firstly, we all know my sister is crazy. She chases men like dog’s chase cars. We all know she is still just a tad jealous of my Italian hottie and our thirty-six year romance. And secondly; you remember your role. You’re Tarzan; you belong outside, hunting, swinging through trees and planning world dominance. I’m Jane; I’m inside cleaning, cooking and plotting to murder my sister. Now, put down that spoon and let me give you a big hug. On the tiles begging for more, you say. I wonder if we can still get all the way down there, without doing ourselves injuries? Hear, put that spoon down and unzip me; hottie!”
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Strange...
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 22nd November 2006 | Not enough to make a story really, just a little sketch that leaves too many questions.
Well written though Wattle, quirky and slightly disturbing.
Anyone who thinks that peppers, cabbage and turnips can br phallic symbols needs a good plastic surgeon!
Oli  | Hey ho
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 22nd November 2006 | 'I tell you fellow if you have made a mess in here I’ll have you on your back on the floor begging'
Well that's an opening and a half! (especially when you consider the ending )
I think Oli summed it up with, 'quirky and slightly disturbing'
E | Tarzan
Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 22nd November 2006 | Ok ... I liked this as a scene, some of the dialogue was cool especially the first and last para but it was a little confusing somtimes between. It is probably just me but I guess these comments are about opinion;
I loved the opening line but then you attribute it to the narrator as 'bemused'. The dialogue so accurately defined the tone you probably didn't need the description and disrupted the cadence for me.
In the second para the dialogue is so good you know its Luchi so there is no need for telling us, also disrupts the cadence
The line 'no swanky neighbour ..' threw me a little but on the second read it occured to me he was being funny about some time she had got a lift from a swanky neighbour?
You mention it had been 30 years since he had last been in the kitchen, I guess thats an exaggerated in joke. On the first read though, when your sorting the semantics in your mind I kind of took it to mean he was a long lost friend, or ex partner or something.
Nice characterisation that leaves you wanting to know more.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 22nd November 2006 | "Cabbage, peppers, turnips… “I wonder"
Well I can see how they would be a improvement on chain and gasket casserole.
I thought this was an enjoyable and engaging piece but it sort of came out of nowhere with little context as if it was taken from a longer story.
I like the dialogue a lot, in fact I would have liked to see this as a scripted piece; letting the dialogue do all the work as the little bits of description spoil the flow (or should that be cadence- I wish I'd used that word)
cheers
J |
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 22nd November 2006 | In the middle on this one Wattle. While I think it had a lot to offer, the narrative clashed a little at points. Phallic veg - cabbage? Seen a doctor recently?! Characterisation was good, especially Teresa.
Clearly proofed this more carefully - much better on that score.
All the best,
Phil. | Desperate housewife?
Written by Fledermaus (3246 comments posted) 23rd November 2006 | An interesting... relationship.
It's funny, but as some above already wrote, it's not a short story. Indeed it may have worked better as a script. |
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