This poem is still 'raw;' I wrote it quite recently and need to fiddle with it a lot more. But before I do, I will put it before different minds -- what do you think does not work here?
An Embarrassment of Richness
How do we know what we possess?
these good things so obligingly
provided, filling up our hands
our bellies, and our empty days.
A background noise, a gentle force
forever whirring, always there;
On fresh brown bread
the butter’s spread
the table’s set, the feast is laid.
Unwitting, heedless, unaware
we stomp on life’s clean floors,
partake ourselves of wholesome meals
run rampant through her pleasant fields
and gobble apples from her trees.
Into each day calm and serene,
and every room, where hands unseen
have tidied, straightened, seamlessly
providing comfort, smoothing care
we rush, so headlong foolishly
unconscious, unaware.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3559 comments posted) 23rd November 2006 |
I admit I'm no poet and so my comments are more to to with the narrative content than it's qualities as a poem.For me, it started well, I thought I knew what you wanted to say then I lost it. I did think you were trying to make different points, chunking down from the uninversal to the domestic and then with the last two lines back again. I'm hopeless with poems but I didn't quite know what you wanted to say. Just my reaction feel free to curse my ignorance
cheers
J |
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 23rd November 2006 |
I wasn't sure at first, but this seems to be about how kids take things for granted?
I think its well written.
The Fresh brown bread, butter's spread bit kinda sticks out as two very short lines to me - up to there it was great.
The end is also fab from "into each day calm and serene" right to the end it flows brilliantly! But I would personaly drop the "and" for a comma "Into each day, calm, serene" which conterpoints the "Unconcious, unaware" of the last line.
Remember, its only a personal viewpoint. I think this is really good!
Oli
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How do we know - - - - -
Written by Josie (2844 comments posted) 23rd November 2006 |
| I think your subject was good, but I think the title was wrong. Perhaps it should be "Are You Taking It All for Granted?" This subject has come up from time to time by different writers. I think that years ago when people produced almost everything they ate, they thought more about it. The same thing applies to animals and poultry. If we produced the poultry that we ate, watched the little hen grow up, got to know her as a friend (and my parents used to keep hens) - it would be hard to kill them and eat them. Don't laugh, but my father wouldn't kill them, and they lived their old age out in an orchard. Whoever bought our house after we left, would wonder why there were so many chicken bones in the orchard. ha ha. The last two little bantam hens used to sleep in our warm kitchen in their little boxes (during a really bad winter). We appreciated and loved them! (PS I've written a poem about this story). How different to buying a chicken curry and not knowing who is in it. |
Hi witzl
Written by ellipinnock (1784 comments posted) 23rd November 2006 |
I really like this. I've got a few thoughts although they aren't necessarily sensible
Are you going to give it a different title?
'the table's set, the feast is laid' - I'm not sure you need both of these. The previous idea repetition , 'forever whirring, always there' works but I'm not sure that this one does.
As with, 'Unwitting, heedless, unaware' I'm not sure you need the triple repetition.
'partake ourselves of wholesome meals' I like the idea and the words in this but not the structure-to me it sounds archaic-do you need the 'ourselves'?
I agree with Oli about dropping the 'and' from 'calm and serene'
The ending is fantastic-I had to read it twice because of the separation of 'into' and 'we rush' but that's ok
I thought this was great-feel free to ignore the half-baked opinions!
E |
ps.
Written by ellipinnock (1784 comments posted) 23rd November 2006 |
I actually loved,
'On fresh brown bread
the butter’s spread'
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 23rd November 2006 |
Thank you everyone, for your thoughtful comments. You have given me good food for thought; I know what I want to change now.
I keep going back to this theme -- of how hard it is to be grateful for what we do have in life, especially living where we do, when we do. (By 'we,' I am generally referring to people who live in 'first world' countries, in this day and age, I suppose.) It is tiresome to keep harping on this theme, I know, but I am endlessly fascinated with it, so there it is. |
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 23rd November 2006 |
My very inexpert opinion.
I actually enjoyed it as it was. One or two things did occur to me though. I usually mutter along when I read poetry and I found myself getting faster and faster. Don't know if this was intentional, but it did get very fast. (could be me) The line: 'We stomp on life's clean floors' brought me to a sudden halt. Again, it may be what you intended, but it did jar my reading.
All the best,
Phil. |
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