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Great Writing - Home > Comedy > Congressman Redstate Buys an Elephant
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Comedy
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| Congressman Redstate Buys an Elephant | |
| By robokent | ||||||||||||||
| 23 November 2006 | ||||||||||||||
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In my endeavors to write something uproariously funny, I have invented a couple new characters, united for what I hope proves to be some decent comedic moments. After losing his seat in the recent elections, Republican Congressman Redstate needs some cheering up. He reads where Africa is dealing with an overpopulation of elephants. Figuring the beloved Republican Party mascot would make a great pet, he heads to Kinshasa… Congressman Redstate enters a dingy storefront on a dusty African city street. Congressman Redstate (dusting himself off): Hi, is this where you’re selling the elephants? Patrick the Elephant Herder (from behind a store counter, sipping a bottle of Coke): What? Congressman Redstate (checking address on piece of paper): 32 Feather Boa Lane, Kinshasa, right? Patrick the Elephant Herder: Er, yes… Congressman Redstate: Great! I’d like to see your wares. Patrick the Elephant Herder: You want to see me where? I don’t understand… Congressman Redstate: No, I’d like to see your wares; you know, your elephants for sale. Patrick the Elephant Herder: But, we don’t sell the elephants, we just keep them here. Congressman Redstate: For what? Patrick the Elephant Herder: Er, just to take care of them, to let people ride them… or sell them to zoos. Congressman Redstate: Ah! So, you do in fact sell elephants here. Patrick the Elephant Herder: Yes, but you are from a zoo? Congressman Redstate: So my wife has often wondered. Patrick the Elephant Herder: Your wife is from the zoo? Congressman Redstate: Watch it! That’s my wife you’re talking about, mister! Patrick the Elephant Herder: I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand. Congressman Redstate: As I’ve told you, my man, I’m here to buy an elephant. Preferably something in a gray… tusked, of course… memory capacity not too important. I hear none of them ever forget anything. Patrick the Elephant Herder: And, so, where will you put the elephant if we sell you one? Congressman Redstate: I don’t follow you. Patrick the Elephant Herder: Follow me where? Congressman Redstate: Wherever the elephants are. More importantly, would you have a pen I could buy as well? Patrick the Elephant Herder: For the elephant, you mean? Congressman Redstate: Of course. I’ve got to sign the bill of sale with something, and I know your custom here is neither to lend nor borrow anything, so I suppose I’ll have to buy the pen too, since I haven’t got one on me... Patrick the Elephant Herder: It’s okay, I can sell you a pen. But where will you put it? Congressman Redstate: Oh, right here in my breast pocket. Not a problem. Patrick the Elephant Herder: No, sir, where to put the elephant? Congressman Redstate: Well, he certainly won’t fit in there, if that’s what you mean! Patrick the Elephant Herder: But where will you put the elephant, sir? Congressman Redstate: I don’t see how that’s of concern to you. He’s to be my elephant, after all. Patrick the Elephant Herder: Yes, but we must be certain that the elephant will be given a good home. Congressman Redstate: What are you insinuating, my good man? Patrick the Elephant Herder: No, no, I did not mean to sin against you, sir. I just need to know if the elephant will be placed in a good environment. Congressman Redstate: Don’t you worry about that. We Americans are all quite concerned about the environment. Just last week, I recycled a can. Patrick the Elephant Herder: Er, yes sir, that is very noble of you. But you must understand, we can’t just entrust our elephants to everyone. Congressman Redstate: Don’t worry! I’m sure you don’t get a chance to read the papers, but elephants are all the rage in the United States right now. Why, they’ve moved past sabre-toothed tigers into 11th place for most popular domestic pet. Patrick the Elephant Herder: With all due respect, sir, sabre-toothed tigers are extinct. Congressman Redstate: Tell me about it! They’re so last season. Patrick the Elephant Herder: Okay, I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’ll be able to sell you an elephant today. Congressman Redstate: Why? You can’t be closing already. Patrick the Elephant Herder: No, it’s just that I don’t think you’re a suitable elephant owner. That’s that. Congressman Redstate: Do you have any idea who you’re talking to? You can’t treat me like this! Patrick the Elephant Herder: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave now. Congressman Redstate: You will do no such thing. Now, run along to the back of your shop there, and produce for me a goshdarn, full-blooded African elephant! Patrick the Elephant Herder thinks for a moment, goes to the back door of his shop, looks out upon the pasture full of elephants romping happily this way and that. Suddenly he has an idea. He picks up a bag of elephant feed and lugs it back to the counter where Congressman Redstate is waiting. He hefts it up and lets it fall on the counter with a loud thump. Patrick the Elephant Herder: There you go, sir! One elephant! Congressman Redstate: But… that’s not an elephant. That’s marked ‘Elephant Feed’. Patrick the Elephant Herder: How do you think we make the elephants sir? They certainly don’t grow on trees! Look, you feed the contents of this bag every day for one week with two gallons of water, and in a week, you will have your own, live, baby elephant. Congressman Redstate looks skeptically at the bag. Congressman Redstate: You’re not trying to take me for a ride, are you? Patrick the Elephant Herder: You want to go for a ride? Where? Congressman Redstate: What? Alright, never mind. How much for the elephant? Patrick the Elephant Herder (quickly removing the $79 price tag from the bag): That’ll be… $8,000, sir. Ballpoint pen included. Congressman Redstate: Perfect. I assume you accept plastic? Patrick the Elephant Herder: From you, sir, I would expect nothing else. Congressman Redstate happily hands over his Visa card, and carts off his elephant. Before getting into his Hummer, he waves to Patrick the Elephant Herder, who happily waves back before locking the door to his shop and calling it a day.
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