I wrote this for a competition, but I thought it was crap, so pulled it. Maybe you can help me polish it or ditch it
Amended per Phil - Thanks! Intent, lost in a dream,
He peers through wistful panes.
Dark eyes bereft of gleam,
Yet something bright remains.
The ache of summer gone,
Of sad ill-fated love.
No portrait ever drawn,
Could be the equal of,
This window scene.
And so she walks away,
Her heart is broken too,
But neither can delay,
The end they always knew,
Fifteen.
Oli 23/11/06
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Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 23rd November 2006 | Bearing in mind my poetic expertise, I'm probably not the one to help. But here goes.
Some of the commas seem redundant and break the flow. eg) end of line 8.
Full stop end line 2?
new/knew?
There you are, probably useless advice and not much of it.
I've not commented on the content as I really connected to this and so liked it very much. If a reader hasn't been there (unlikely) I suppose it could leave them cold. For me though, there's sorrow, warmth, honesty and hope. Not hope for him now, but reading this at thirty-nine, you just know he'll go through it all again and again and then in later life look back with fondness. What's that awful song from the Lion King? Circle of Life or something.
You might think it 'crap,' I don't. In fact, read it again and like it even more.
All the best,
Phil. | Ah!... Down off the ceiling....
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 24th November 2006 | ...at last.
Hello Big Head!
Of course I am aware what I know about poetry could be written on the back of one of Lilliput's postage stamps. And I can't ever remember being fifteen. But I am sure this is what it must have been like if I ever was fifteen, if you get my drift. I have a pretty good memory, especially for trumped up football loosers who insult Manchester United, so as I can't recall I have to assume I was never fifteen. It was an age that got skipped; or out of sequence, like your Diary Chapters.
Anyway I loved the simplicity of this. Lovely words. No literary pretence. Almost innocent. Bit like your dream of winning a major trophy. Hope this puts a nice green hoop round your organic tomatoes. Super little aside! Well done!
Slan! |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 24th November 2006 | I honestly loved this, and I have to say that the commas never got in my way. But once I had read Phil's comments and then got back and read it through again, I had to admit that if I had my choice, I'd have it without the commas. Now I am wondering, though, whether if it had been without commas to begin with, if I would have wanted them in had someone suggested them . . .
Commas or no commas, as far as I am concerned, this has all the lingering beauty and sadness of one's first love -- and broken heart -- without having even the tiniest hint of teenage angst in it.
Not for one minute will I believe that you have ever considered ditching this! |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 24th November 2006 | I've been trying ot think of something contstructive to say about this apart from the suggesting a comma massacre...but I can't. I thought it was terrific, very poignant.
Elli | Not much wrong.
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 24th November 2006 | | Crap? I don't see what's so crappy about it. It may be a bit different from your other poems, but it's still a wonderful read. |
Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 24th November 2006 | Oli, having come back to this, I like it even more. Your changes (which I take no credit for - you asked for opinions as you thought it needed a polish) do make this flow much better. The more often I read this, the better it gets.
All the best,
Phil. | ahem
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 24th January 2007 | speaking as someone who only stopped being 15 about 4 months ago; I love this poem.
It reminds me of the summer at the end of which I turned fifteen, and what a learnt from may through august.
cheers oli
clo x
ps agree with all good bits stated by everyone else  |
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