I'm not really at all sure about this story, it's an experiment...so if you a) manage to finish it and b) think it deserves ripping to shreds, please don't be scared to tell me so.  I've worked on it for so long that I can't have a worthwhile view of it any more, so opinions are very welcome.  NOTE: this story contains subject matter that some people might find disturbing.

Steve hauled himself up onto his bed and stretched out, staring up at the chipped grey ceiling.   He still wasn’t able to say exactly how he’d ended up like this…his mind had switched over to auto-pilot long ago and now everything in his head was shrouded in a mechanical, fuzzy haze.  Just as a strange sense of calm descends over those who are faced with their imminent death, he felt something inside himself…something innate, was somehow protecting him from the full intensity of his thoughts. 
 
His mind ran absentmindedly back and forth over the events of the past three years with detachment, as though he were watching a film in which he had no interest.  He would have laughed in the face of anybody who said things could have turned out this way…he almost felt like laughing out loud now, at the sheer absurdity of it all.

…

He met Charlotte when they were both twenty; he saw her in a local nightclub dancing in the spotlight and he winked at her.  She twirled over to him in a hazy vision of dark curly hair, flashing a toothy smile.

“Did what?”

Steve was genuinely confused; he’d had far too much to drink and hadn’t realised he’d been winking at all.  He’d been eyeing her up, that was for sure, she looked fantastic in her tight white dress...but winking like an old man?  He really must be drunk.  Still, it had started a conversation and Steve opened his mouth to reply.

As she turned to go, Steve impulsively grabbed her arm and whispered “Can I have your number?” 

They hadn’t looked back from that moment; within six months they’d moved in together.  Due in part to his traditional upbringing Steve had always wholeheartedly believed in the notion of “The One” and he’d had no real experience of relationships, save for the odd fumble and the usual slightly extended one night stands at university.  The reason for that was simple; no-one had ever been good enough until Charlotte came along.

Charlotte was a lot more experienced than him in that respect, this was a niggling source of friction between them in the beginning.  That and her lively group of friends, all of whom it seemed were incessantly demanding her attention.  Charlotte was always so full of energy; bright, buzzy and surrounded by people on a constant basis.

“Do you have to go out with Phil again?  Can’t we just stay in together and watch telly?”

“How many times have I said this to you Steve, he’s my friend!  I do have a life outside of this relationship, you know…how about you try it sometime?” she replied, jokingly.

Charlotte ruffled Steve’s sandy hair, laughing as she went for the door.  “Love you, silly thing…”

It wasn’t as though Steve hadn’t met any of these friends…he had, and they were a good bunch.  He’d been to the pub with some of them and they weren't a bad influence, or bad people.  It was just that part of him resented having to share his Charlie with anyone, men or women, friends or otherwise.  He’d meant what he said…he didn’t need anyone else in his life.

A month after they’d moved in together Charlotte sat Steve down, an intense look in her eyes.

Steve closed his eyes and braced himself for the worst.

His eyes flew open, and before he knew what he was doing he’d leapt to his feet, grabbing Charlotte by the waist and whirling her round. They were both laughing hysterically.

“I thought you’d be angry!”

“What are you talking about?  This is all I’ve ever dreamed of…”

Jed was born the following April.  His birth was the most wonderful, fulfilling moment of Steve’s life...now everything made sense.  Every day he went off to his accountancy day job feeling as though he were walking on air, lamenting the fact that he wouldn’t see Charlotte and Jed for at least eight hours, and rushing home to them as soon as he was able, more often than not bearing gifts for them both.

Jed was a peaceful baby and Steve’s parents were regular visitors to their little house, Jed being their first grandchild and never missing the chance to spoil him as much as they possibly could.

“He’s been here before…there’s something worldly in that little face.  He’s a special one…aren’t you Jeddy-Jed?  Yes you are!” cooed Ellie, lifting the baby out of his cot and cuddling him.

“Thanks for taking him today, Mum…” Steve said, straightening his tie in the mirror.  “Charlie’s not well again.  I think she’s suffering from post-natal depression – I don’t know what to do to make her happy at the moment.  She’s given up on everything…her friends, her job…she just shuts herself away, crying all the time. ”

“Just give her time, love.” reassured Ellie.  “She’s probably feeling a bit isolated, what with her own parents not being around at a time like this.”

Steve took his cup of coffee over to the kitchen table and sat down.  “I don’t understand that.  She’s got me, and you and Dad.  She’s got all the help she needs.  I don’t get her sometimes, it’s like she’s pushing us all away.”

“Mark my words, all that girl needs is a bit of security.” said Ellie. “Have you thought about asking her to marry you again?”  She said this with a pleading look in her eye; nothing would have made her happier.

“Mum, you’ve got to stop going on about that.  You know what Charlie thinks about marriage – a complete waste of time, money and paper.  I can’t argue with her, you know I’ve tried.  As long as she’s happy, that’s what counts.”

Ellie didn’t say anything more, but raised an eyebrow as she set a sleeping Jed back down in his cot and took the coffee cups over to the sink to wash up.

Steve left the house for work and started the car, mulling over the conversation with his mother.  Security…yes, he hadn’t seen it like that before.  It made sense when he really thought about it.  Charlotte had been through a bitter divorce with her own parents, she must be worried that the same would happen to them if they got married.

“But I won’t let that happen!”  Steve said aloud, determinedly.  It was up to him to put things right in his Charlie’s life…make her see that marrying him would make their life and their perfect little family complete.

…

Charlotte emerged from the bedroom and descended the stairs dressed in her winter hat and coat.  It was nearly ten o’clock at night; some might consider this late for a stroll, but it was the only suitable time.  She caught a glimpse of herself in the hall mirror and stopped briefly to take a closer look at her face.  It was different somehow, changed by motherhood and for the first time in ages, free of the puffiness caused by her constant crying.  She turned to Jed and placed him, swaddled in his fleecy yellow blanket, gently into his pram, tenderly kissing his forehead before heading for the front door.

“Charlie?”  Steve stirred from his position on the sofa, where he’d fallen asleep watching the evening news.  “Where are you going?”

“I just fancied a little walk, that’s all…” Charlotte said, opening the front door and manoevring Jed’s pram outside.  “I’ll see you in bed, I won’t be long.”

Steve rubbed his eyes, confused as he registered the time.  “Isn’t it a bit late for that, love?  I’ll come with you if you’re going, you shouldn’t be out with Jed by yourself at this time of night.”

“I’ll be fine; I just need a bit of fresh air after being cooped up in here for so long.  I think I’m starting to feel a bit better now and a walk will really clear my head.  I promise I won’t be long.  Love you, baby…”  Charlotte didn’t give Steve a chance to reply as she closed the door behind her and headed up the path, guilt weighing down her heart.

The late-night walks Charlotte took with Jed became a regular occurrence, at least once a week.  Steve thought it mildly strange, but they did seem to be cheering her up and he was just pleased that she was getting over her depression; that she was turning back into the old Charlie.

Now that things were getting back to normal, Steve started making plans for their wedding.  He’d booked the date already, at a beautiful country hotel they’d been to at the beginning of their relationship; he knew she’d love it.  His parents agreed to pay for it all; so pleased they were that their only son was finally going to get married.    

“How are you going to propose?”  Ellie asked Steve on the phone during one of Charlotte’s late night walks.

“I’m planning a really romantic evening tomorrow.” said Steve.  “Dinner, candles, the works.  She’ll be so happy…I can’t wait to see her face!”

The following evening worked out perfectly for Steve.  Charlotte had a doctor’s appointment and wouldn’t be back until late, giving him plenty of time to set everything up.  The roast beef, a departure from their usual fish and chip supper, was slowly cooking, the candles were lit and Jed was sleeping peacefully upstairs.

The doorbell buzzed as Steve was checking the dinner for the umpteenth time, humming cheerfully as he did so.  He wiped his hands on a teatowel and ran to answer the door.

Phil cleared his throat nervously as he followed Steve through the hallway and into the dining room, noticing the soft lighting and the candles on the beautifully laid table.  Classical music was playing softly in the background.

“You’ve caught me at a bad time actually Phil…I’m trying to make tonight really special.”  Steve grinned; he was having a hard time containing his excitement.  “I’m going to ask Charlie to marry me tonight!”

Phil stared down awkwardly at the floor.

“Phil? Are you OK?  I know you’re upset I’m making an honest woman of her, but still…”  Steve’s feeble joke was an attempt to cover just how uncomfortable he was feeling at that moment. 

Phil looked up, his blue eyes looking straight into Steve’s.  He spoke in a cold, determined tone. 

“I’ve had enough of all this…You’re a nice bloke Steve, but this can’t go on.”

“What…what are you talking about, Phil?”  Steve stammered, confused.

 “I’ve come for Charlie and Jed.” 

There was a long silence.  The two men stood in the middle of the room, neither of them hearing the music or the oven timer, beeping in the background.

Phil continued.  “Jed’s my baby, not yours.  Charlie and I are in love and it’s as simple as that.  We’ve been seeing each other and I’m the one who’s going to marry her, so there’s no point in keeping all this pretence up.”

Steve stood, rooted to the spot, his face contorted with disbelief. When he spoke, his voice wasn’t his own. 

“They were coming to see me.  Didn’t you have any idea?”  Phil’s voice had a touch of pity to it now; he assumed Steve would have suspected something.  He could see from Steve's face that he had underestimated his blind naivety where his family were concerned.

“Where is she, anyway?” Phil continued, noticing Charlotte’s absence for the first time.

“She’s…at the doctors…back…soon…” Steve muttered absentmindedly.  Phil’s words were like a sledgehammer to his brain, their impact so huge that he couldn’t make any sense of them.  He felt completely numb.

Phil sighed, and placed a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, mate…” he whispered.  “We didn’t mean it…there wasn’t anything we could do.  It just happened.”

Steve stood, still rooted to the spot as if glued there. Phil cleared his throat again.

“Look, I’ll go…let you and Charlie have a chat about things.  I really am sorry, you know…” he continued, looking at Steve for some kind of reaction.  He got none.

Phil walked slowly towards the front door and let himself out.  Steve heard the  distant sound of his car pulling away from the drive and came to, feeling as if he were floating as he walked slowly and steadily into the kitchen to turn off the oven timer. 

He wandered upstairs to the bedroom, Phil’s words echoing in his ears…

“He’s my baby, not yours…” 

What an idiot he’d been…so naïve.  He should have seen that Charlie would eventually leave him.  Deep inside he had always known that he wasn’t enough for her.  She was too bright, too beautiful, too lively.  There were so many things about her that he hadn’t been able to understand and was afraid to ask her about, because he always knew she was searching for something and he was scared that she would eventually discover that it wasn’t him. 

Meanwhile he’d given everything to her and to Jed, but it wasn’t enough, and now there would never be anything to show for it.  They were the purpose of his life…why he wanted to get up every morning.  He couldn’t contemplate life without them.  A wave of panic washed over him.

“What am I going to do now…?” he whispered softly.

He stared down at Jed, sleeping peacefully in their bed, and looked through him into the future…how he would grow up and make his way in the world without him, with no connection bonding them together.  Jed wouldn’t remember him when he grew up…wouldn’t remember how much Steve loved him, what plans he had for him.  They’d pass like strangers on the street.  It was too much to bear.

At that moment, something inside him snapped.  Steve felt he was outside himself and looking down on a different person, possessed by an overwhelming and uncontrollable surge of combined hatred and helplessness as he reached over for Charlotte’s pillow and held it over Jed as he slept, pushing it down hard…harder and harder until he was certain there was no more breath left in his little body. 

Steve sat back on the bed.  A strange calmness descended over him; time stopped for a moment. 

His whole body shook as he stood up and slowly, carefully…unconsciously walked down the stairs to the front door, leaving it open behind him as he left the house.  He didn’t have any idea where he was going, as long as it was away from here, away from this confusion, away from this life…

…

The bodies were discovered on the following day.  The official explanation, after ruling out Charlotte herself as Jed’s murderer, was that she had come home, discovered Jed’s body and taken an overdose of sleeping pills and vodka.   Her body was found lying next to Jed’s on the bed.

The police hadn’t had to try hard searching for Steve; he walked into the police station confessed everything, free from emotion.  His life was worthless now; although he never considered ending it himself…ironically he didn’t have the courage.  He just needed someone else to tell him how to live the rest of it; all of his happiness and stability had diminished before his eyes and he didn’t know where to begin.  His parents had disowned him and were living now as though they had never had a son, unable to believe that anything born of them could have been capable of murdering an innocent baby. 

When he’d first arrived in his new home, Steve was beaten up on a constant basis once the other inmates had found out what he had done.  He never once put up any struggle or defence; he felt constantly numb, not caring if they killed him.  His lack of resistance made him a unappealing target for the rest of the inmates, and they largely ignored him now, passing through him daily like a ghost.

Phil had been to visit him a few times, the first one to deliver a torrent of verbal abuse, but as time had gone on a strange rapport had built up between them.  They would never be friends...but in a strange way that Phil couldn’t explain, despite being the instigator of his grief Steve was the only person who truly understood it. 

Lying on his bed, Steve carefully traced his fingers over the life he had once known, the creased, dog-eared photograph of himself, Charlie and Jed…sunny and happy, taken when he wasn’t himself.

A knock on the door indicated visiting time.  Steve got up from his bed as the warden opened his cell door, mechanically putting one foot carefully in front of the other as he went to meet Phil.