Just shows that religion can be fun!
Another story from my altar boy days. If you didn’t like the last one stop reading now!
Sunday mass at 11.00am was always the biggie, the FA Cup Final of masses and we all wanted to serve at this one. The place was invariably packed, your parents and your teachers would be in the audience and you’d feel very important as you marched around what was, in effect, a stage, praying fervently and singing lustily to show your devotion to the Church and your duty.
However, away from the spotlight there was 7.00am mass on a weekday. This was very much a lower league, bottom of the table affair to which very few parishioners ever turned up. Well, why would you if you didn’t have to? Depressingly, we altar boys had to take it in turn to do a week-long stretch on this shift, it was part of the deal and there was no getting out of it.
I arrived for my stint one Monday along with my friend, John Burke, the pair of us freshly scrubbed but still bleary-eyed and hoping that the priest wouldn’t dawdle too long over the rituals. Luckily, it was the younger of the two priests, who liked to get the job over and done with, and we looked forward to being back home in half an hour. As the mass began I looked into the congregation and saw that we had only about six people to entertain that morning, most of them stood with heads bowed and prayer books open. The priest got along at a fine rate of knots, mumbling lines in Latin, leaving bits out and before I knew it, we’d reached the preparation of the Eucharist leading up to Communion. At three certain points during the ritual, (I’ve long since stopped going to church, so I’ve forgotten which points and why) one of the altar boys was required to, normally, ring a bell. I say normally because our church had recently begun to employ a gong instead. This was a brass affair which looked like a two-feet tall mushroom and was struck with a wooden stick with a rubber ball on the end. It was John’s turn to strike the gong today and he was listening intently for his cue. At the right moment he hit the gong but didn’t hit it hard enough. Instead of a satisfying, reverberating “BONGGGG”, all we got was a dull “donk”. The priest half-turned and motioned John to hit it again with a bit more vigour. His second attempt wasn’t much better, but had to do, we were in a rush. At the second point John once again failed to disturb the sleepy congregation and was once again urged to use a bit of power by the priest. Sadly, he seemed to be a bit fearful of laying into the gong and did no better. The priest then turned to face John and said “John, hit it much harder next time” even making a swinging motion with his arm to demonstrate. The third point arrived and John was ready for it. He’d taken up a position about four feet back from the gong and he was crouched, holding the striker up over his shoulder like a baseball player who was intent on scoring a home run. The priest intoned the words and John swung mightily at the gong. I was fearful for my hearing and for the stained glass windows, but immensely looking forward to the reaction from the pews.
Unfortunately, John had misjudged his swing altogether, totally missing the gong and when the striker reached the end of its trajectory, the end came off and bounced across the altar and a fair way down the church. None of the congregation noticed as they had their heads down, praying, but if any had cared to look up they would surely have wondered why one altar boy was standing, looking in bewilderment at a headless stick, his friend was trying to choke back laughter and the priest was red-faced and angry.
John got a huge telling-off from the priest back in the sacristy, one that sent him home crying. I wonder how he explained his tears to his mum?
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Outstanding
Written by Garrulous (106 comments posted) 24th November 2006 |
This had me in stitches. Keep them coming.
Gar.  |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 24th November 2006 |
My 12-year-old and I read this together (she has the obnoxious tendency to read over my shoulder on weekends when I am on this site, and even has her favorite writers now), and we both laughed out loud. She'll definitely be coming back to you, too, so I hope all of your stories will be this wholesome. (It is possible that she was hoping for something racy, what with the mention of altar boys.)
Very good, funny style. |
Written by Phil (6388 comments posted) 24th November 2006 |
Enjoyable read. Gongs, bells and incense etc. Isn't that just to add a bit of mystery to the proceedings or signify the workings of god at the mass? To some - smoke and mirrors.
All the best,
Phil. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 24th November 2006 |
I grew up in the Church of Christ. We were different from all other religions in that we, unlike other believers from other religions including Catholics, Baptists, etc, knew that we would never go to hell. Many things were forbidden in our churches, including decorations like stained glass, musical instruments, comfortable pews, etc. ad nauseam.
So I'll take all the smoke and mirrors you can give me! Bring on the altar boys! |
Thank You
Written by BuffaloBill (25 comments posted) 27th November 2006 |
| Thank's for your kind comments, glad you enjoyed it. As for wholesomeness, Witzl, I think that, although bad language has its place, it's not on a public forum which can be read by 12-year-old, so there'll be none of that malarkey from me! |
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