|
By kitten_princess
|
|
25 November 2006 |
My first attempt to give myself a word limit. [thanks to no1butclo, for giving me the idea to do so...]
As always, comments would be appreciated :) I take her hand, hold it; let our mutual gravity bring us together. We have one song. Her hair smells of burnt cinnamon, autumnal baking. Every subtle brush of her silk dress drives me to a quiet frenzy. I close my eyes. I feel her fingertips trace a sonnet on my back – who am I to deny myself such a woman? The song threatens to end. The woman in my arms looks up. She smiles, brings her lips to my ear. Her question tickles as much as her soft breath. I look at her, kiss her forehead and walk away. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 25th November 2006 | There are hints of interesting things here, but I think you need to put in a bit more. Even when you work within a word limit, you need to give enough hints. Others may disagree, of course, but then they aren't writing this comment.
'Who am I to deny myself such a woman?' Dunno -- tell me! Or just hint at it.
On a mundane note, when I bake I don't wear silk. (And when I do wear silk, I hope my hair smells of L'Eau du Temps, but who knows? Maybe it still smells of cinammon, burnt or otherwise.) |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 25th November 2006 | Liked it, especially the first line. Slightly with Witzl on this. All very well to give yourself a word limit, but some pieces demand more. Personally, a little more detail in the middle would have satisfied me more.
Nevertheless, enjoyed it.
All the best,
Phil. | Good!
Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 25th November 2006 | | You clearly set a scene in so few words. A good job I think. Of course it raises many questions, but then, you had this word limit and it's not crime to leave the reader a little puzzled. |
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 26th November 2006 | I'm glad you walked away from the she devil. There's a lot of this wicked lesbianism going around and I believe it may be sexually transmitted!
I've heard of cinnamon balls, but never cinnamon hair.
Oli | Thanks to all :)
Written by kitten_princess (31 comments posted) 26th November 2006 | First of all, thanks for reading! All the comments are really nice too! 
Oli: Yes, I may have walked away, but I didn't mention if she followed or not... 
The lesbianism factor wasn't something I really thought about while writing, I just sort of found myself thinking like a man for a split second, which was rather weird, and saw this little scene in my head. But, I left it open for the reader to decide, really...
To all who felt I should have had more in this story: I actually agree a bit! I finished writing, looked over it and did feel it could have done with more detail in places, but then part of me liked the fact I left it [very] open to interpretation.
Thanks for all the comments again, it's really encouraging me to keep trying to write and keep getting better
Kitten xx | dearest kitten
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 | I'm quite glad this story ended where it did.
Enjoyed this, no too much or too little. Glad to have been a giver of ideas ^_^
[happy birthday!]
clo x |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
