Following the suspicious death of a former Russian spy in London after his visit to a sushi bar, Vladimir Putin was pointing the fish finger of blame at the Japanese government. A 900-page survey conducted in Moscow University this morning revealed unusually high levels of radiation in tuna and prawn tempura.

“Dees people are evil, devious killers,” said the ex-head of the KGB. “I vonce saw ninja strangle yak in Siberia vith single strand off seeveed. No vurd off a lie. It’s not my business to fabricate ridiculous stories”.

Putin was outraged at any suggestions of his involvement in the crime. “Vy on earth I am suspect in poisoning accident, I cannot imagine. Juss because I haff first class honours degree in umbrella-toxicology and venom-related untraceable homicide, everyvon vonts to stick needle in me”.

With such a common murder weapon as polonium-210, the Metropolitan Police remain baffled. “It kud haff bin anyvon,” agreed the Russian ambassador in London. “Von off zose traffic vorden bastards, for instance. Zey do any sing for parking ticket”.

Putin’s seafood accusations spawned a swift response from the Japanese government. 

“Russia never stop wailing,” commented a spokesman for the Ministry of Fisheries, tenderly polishing his harpoon gun. ”Emperor Hirohito, he say: “Behind every Sumo with blubber, lie stomach-churning, kamikaze geisha with forked chop-stick”. Very wise man. We named twelve species of jellyfish after him”.

According to reports, the ex-Russian spy spent a perfectly normal day in a raincoat on a park bench talking to a moving tree with stilettos, a violin case and a Neapolitan accent. Detectives later recovered a tin of alphabetti spaghetti from the crime scene, and rearranged the letters to form the intriguing codeword “U vill slip vith fishes” – proving a direct link with what has now been dubbed outside lisping circles as the “sinister suspicious sushi saga”.

Authors and film-makers alike were keen to play down any creative potential in such an incident.
“I had no idea there was so much raw material in sushi,” said American author, Dan Brown, at the launch of his latest novel “Judas and the Teriyaki Enigma”. “I couldn’t cook it up if I tried.”