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By JourneyAtNight
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25 November 2006 |
Grey mantle above,
with such Beauty and Sorrow -
Come, let your Tears fall.
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Written by shakermaker (48 comments posted) 25th November 2006 | | Sighs(but in a nice,cosy way) |
Written by ellipinnock (1784 comments posted) 25th November 2006 | I liked this, nice and gentle. One small gripe-too may unnecessary capital letters for me 
Good though.
Elli | Haiku
Written by Fledermaus (3482 comments posted) 25th November 2006 | | Haiku's are always so strange... But I like the rain. |
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 25th November 2006 | very nice image.. the word "mantle" worked well for me, something fragile yet firm about it. I agree with Elli about the capitals though-it overwhelms the size of the piece aswell as the image itself... then again it gives it a sense of importance and majesty to it. The inclusion of "Come," in the final line is a little archaic (I hope I'm making sense here!) this is not a criticiscm, just an observation..
overall a thoughtful piece
well done
fran |
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 25th November 2006 | Good attempt I think. With the others on capitalisation. Nothing wrong with it as such, if you want to give those words special significance, but it does kind of pull you up. In such a short piece, maybe you can't afford to interupt the reader. Just an opinion, but I did like it.
All the best,
Phil. |
Written by JourneyAtNight (318 comments posted) 25th November 2006 | Thanks everyone for your comments - I know what you mean about the capitalisation, I guess it takes away from the piece as a whole, but it was just a bit of experimenting.
Thanks again, Esra x |
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 26th November 2006 | Not a patch on Brian Patterjack's haikus, but full marks for trying!
Oli |
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