Again, this is twinned to the short story by the same name. Feedback appreciated as to whether this works as a concept. He has condensed my life
to a single point of worry. I watch him
from behind twitching net curtains. Watch him watching the gaggle of school-girls that wend their way down our road. All day I sit and watch him watching me watching him. He has condensed my life to a single point of focus as I watch her leave and wait for her return, all the time wondering where she is, what she is doing, who she is with? Who is with her, who is watching her? He has condensed my life to a single knot of pain, watching her shrivel and withdraw from me to scream in private. Watching her lose faith in me, leaving me impotent. He has condensed my life to a single desire, to make him understand our fear and pain as he sits and watches us, waiting for a flash of warm brown eyes that are not so innocent any more. He has condensed my life to watching and waiting, nagging and shouting, crying and pleading, fearful and aching with desire
for the chance to condense his life to nothingness. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 25th November 2006 | Hi Elli. Great idea. Thought about your choice of delivery for each character and decided you'd done something a bit Shakespearian. Verse for the more noble/true character and plain prose for the villain. (Although your prose is far from plain.) Don't know if that was intended.
I think I prefer the poem. Who wants to be inside the head of a paedo? - if that is what he is. It's not really confirmed. It could be pure suspicion and circumstance - or he could be the real deal.
Reading the poem, there's almost a personal link suggested between the woman and the watcher - as if they have a broader history.
Thought provoking, well written stuff Elli.
I'll copy this over to the other piece as well.
All the best,
Phil.
| Hi Elli
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 25th November 2006 | I found this pair of writings very interesting indeed.
I read the prose first, and couldn't feel any sympathy for the man - yet you described him and his surroundings so well.
Then in reading this poem, I first thought it was the mother who was neurotic, having found out that a paedophile lived near her - but then as I got to the end, I sort of wondered if maybe he was the child's father who was watching. And of course the child's father could have been guilty of or accused of abuse in the past. But he sort of watched all the children, not just the one girl - I'd better go and read them both again.
| Two sides to every coin...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 26th November 2006 | Dear oh dear oh dear. What a dark and brooding world you inhabit, Miss Ellie. Clever idea and seemingly cutely executed. Though I would have preferred verse and prose together ensemble. May have had a more striking effect. No matter. But do have a care before you confront the poor wretch only to find he is a father looking for a lost child. And make a real pinnock of yourself! I am old enough to remember the baleful tragedy of Stephan Kishko. I was living close to Rochdale at the time. As appalling a miscarriage of justice as could be come by. His crime was to be lonely. And odd. Oh yes. He was fat too. We must remember that.
Well done! |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 26th November 2006 | I also read this and thought that the narrator must be the family member of a person with an unhealthy interest in young girls. I imagined that she might be a daughter, sister, or other female relative of this man, and that she is also the mother of a young girl. That would make her anxiety all the more poignant.
Although I have read your accompanying short story, I like the poem more, and I cannot say why that is. The images here are somehow sharper and sadder, and I understood very quickly what was going on -- or thought I did. I suppose we may all interpret this in slightly different ways, but the main idea is essentially the same.
|
Written by wattle (117 comments posted) 26th November 2006 | | Elli, I'm thinking poetry is more powerful then the prose. I’m thinking I don’t like him as well, here. I’ve always been impacted by poetry this way. ----- Thank you – regards, wattle | Suspicion, tortures your heart...
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 26th November 2006 | Suspicion, why torture him?
I'm with the sad ManU fan on the subject matter. The words are as clever as you always are, but I fear for the poor fellow. Now "looking" at school kids is evidence enough to start building the bonfire.
Perhaps you've been infected by this modern epidemic of suspicion and distrust that gnaws at the entrails of society and besmirches a million innocents to catch one sicko.
Remember the Paediatrician who was burnt out of his home?
Oli  | Sitting on the fence...
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 26th November 2006 | Thanks to all for your comments...
This was supposed to be largely amiguous, it's up to you lot to decide whether you think the guy is dodgy or the mother merely neurotic...
Elli | Frustrating I
Written by johniebg (541 comments posted) 26th November 2006 | A nice idea, well written but there is not enough to do anything other than get the moralists tweeting on about those that lust over the young, which for my mind, with no end product is getting tiresome.
A little more work or structure on their relationship and this could be very good.
Having read both this is the weakest, once more for my mind but then I only read the stuff.
| fantastic
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 27th November 2006 | I like this alot, haven't read the story, but from various comments previously posted it mihgt change my view?
strikes chords in certain places:
"Watching her lose faith
in me, leaving me
impotent." - aches of the point when you realise your parents aren't heroes anymore
I love the whole of the last stanza, it sums the tone of the poem up perfectly
well done elli =)
x clo x |
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