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Poetry
Lego Jedi
By ellipinnock
26 November 2006
Er....I was trying to write something cheerful.....never mind...

This isn't finished but it's based in reality and therefore I have no perspective on it so I thought I'd post it for comment before I take it off again and rewrite it properly. Be as brutal as you like!


Small boy sitting at the kitchen table;
oak scrubbed bare to reveal a tracery of scars
marking the wars that have been fought here.

He lets fall a shower of crumbs
to mark a minor skirmish over sprouts,
long gone now. Dinner over,
he tries his age-old trick,

'Ice-cream?' ask wide brown puppy-dog eyes.
'You've got no chance' comes the reply from Mum,
accepted as gracefully as only a teen can be
with punky attitude, a sigh and facial mime.

She sighs in harmony, 'You're assive you are.'
'No, you are. Stupid.'
A minor territorial infringement, barely worth
marking on the worn wood.

Better to let it lie and move on,
'A jigsaw before bedtime?'
'No thanks.' (Playstation would suit much better).

She doesn't approve but it helps to fill
a world circumscribed by an extra chromosome.
A double helix condensing on itself,
coiling in to form a noose.

She lets him slip
into the familiar ritual. Off to fell
a few more lego jedi before it's time for a bath,
a story and into bed for dream-packed sleep
until morning when they begin again.

Reviews

Written by peeano1 (86 comments posted) 27th November 2006
Nice effort and start. You could perhaps sub the word "tracery" and explain more about the lego jedi. What was the point? There were some good points but there could be room for improvement. Keep on trying! :)

Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 27th November 2006
Elli this is far better than I could muster even if it is in rough state. I can't be brutal as I liked it and admired it as I do all your work. 
 
I did spot one or two things you might want to think about: 
Third line - 'here.' 
The 'narrator' is removed throughout this (I felt). Perhaps 'there' would be a better word as it keeps that distance. 
'Assive' - typo or me being thick? That threw me. 
 
Not much to go on - but then I'm no poet and I liked it to start with. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 27th November 2006
I like this a lot, a nice simple tone which nonetheless effectively conjurs up a scene. A few complaints: 
 
I don't know any teens who still play with lego. You might want to edit a little bit.  
Though I like the lines "A double helix condensing on itself,/coiling in to form a noose" they seem too dark for what seems otherwise to be a light-hearted piece. 
 
Otherwise a very good poem.

Written by JourneyAtNight (301 comments posted) 27th November 2006
I don't know what to say other than I thought this was very good. It really set the scene. 
 
Best wishes, 
 
Esra :)
I love it!
Written by Talisker (1300 comments posted) 27th November 2006
But then I'm a sucker for Elli-poems... 
 
The title is worthy in itself - lego is such a cultural icon - meccano - that is something else! But the construction kit beneath my grandads bed? That is a poem in the waiting! 
 
Oli :)
A word of explanation
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 28th November 2006
Thanks for taking the time to review. 
 
I shuld probably have put this in the intro but this is a poem about my little brother (14 today :) )who has Down's Syndrome. Whilst being a normal teen in many respects he is not 14 in a developmental sense and does still play with lego on occasion.  
 
Lego jedi has a bit of a double meaning-it's a kind of boy within the man thing in the sense that he's a 14 yr old playing with lego but it's also a reference to his latest Playstation game of choice! 
 
Phil-thanks for the spots, I've pmed you re: assive 
 
Elli
Hi Elli
Written by jean.day (2190 comments posted) 9th December 2006
This is such a poignant poem. I particularly liked the phrase  
 
a world circumscribed by an extra chromosome. 
A double helix condensing on itself, 
coiling in to form a noose. 
 
Your brother is very lucky to have such a devoted sister. 

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