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By francoise
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27 November 2006 |
its an observation. When you hold your hands up to block a ray of sunlight, your hands become almost transparent.... thought I would try and capture this moment in a poem. When the light is strongest, You can see capillaries of pulsating blood. Movements you never imagined to see so clearly, Light pushing between your fingers. You have only a matter of seconds to touch it; To feed on what revelation it may offer you. The most delicate part of your wrist Turns itself to catch the suns descent. |
Written by peeano1 (86 comments posted) 27th November 2006 | Good poem although I would suggest to replace "pulsating" with some othe word. You have a smooth flow and the descriptions are not overdone;simple yet meaningful. Nice work!  |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 27th November 2006 | | Lovely lovely lovely. Wouldn't change a thing (um, well, except a possessive apostrophe in "suns"). Liked the connection between light and revelation. Thanks for a good read- starting to really enjoy your work |
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 27th November 2006 | I thought this was really good. You captured it really well I think. It all seemed very dream-like.
One thing though, I'm not sure the "capillaries of pulsating blood" really fits in well with the delicacy of the piece. That's only a personal response though, and I'm no expert!
There was something that I really liked about the last two lines. Lovely.
Overall, I liked this alot.
Best wishes,
Esra |
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 27th November 2006 | Nothing transparent about my manly hands! Nice use of words, clever concept, lovely poem!
Agree with Esra, the capillaries don't want to be pulsating no no no - thats high blood pressure that is!
Otherwise a nice delicate touch!
oli |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 28th November 2006 | Very novel idea, I liked it a lot. I agree with the others about 'capillaries of pulsating blood' - to me it sounds like two ideas crammed into one. This also feels a bit 'prosy' to me in places. Very nice though, an enjoyable read.
Elli | I guess I have too much salt in my diet!
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 28th November 2006 | Thanks to all of you for the comments and suggestions, (particularly about that line!) its simply what I saw!:-) I can't think of an alternative, which must mean I ought to leave it as it is.. Talisker, I couldn't stop laughing at what you wrote, but thank you for the manly pat on the back..
All the Best
Fran | make it mystic
Written by no1butClo (339 comments posted) 26th July 2007 | something about actual palmistry in this would work so well!
keep working with it
clo |
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