I think this might come under the umbrella of 'Fantasy'.
I know you didn't expect to hear from me again, ever, but what I thought was, it's been a long time now and maybe it's time to let bygones be bygones, forgive and forget and, well, you know what I mean.
Yes, I do know it was all my fault, of course I do but, as I said, it was a long time ago and I'm hardly likely to do it again, am I? I've learnt my lesson, I promise you that. You don't know what it's been like for me all this time. I've had to skulk around, hide my identity, and as for the company I've been forced to keep - the lowest, the shiftiest, most violent and murderous dregs of humanity. Can you imagine what it's been like for me to have to mingle with the worst, the very worst, that men and women can sink to?
I know, I agree, I brought it on myself but I was young then, I never gave a thought to what the consequences of my actions might be. It never occurred to me that I might fail and that, if I did, you'd take such cruel retribution. Everyone always says how loving, how forgiving, you are. Am I the only one who doesn't deserve any of your so called loving forgiveness? No, I'm sorry, I'm doing this all wrong, I didn't mean to speak to you like that. Please, please don't hang up on me.
What I'm trying to say is, if your forgiveness relies on my repentance believe me, I bitterly regret what I did, bitterly. No, not just because of the calamity I brought down on myself. I realise now that apart from being disloyal, proud and ambitious, I was also extremely stupid and because, when I fell from grace, I dragged so many others down with me. And there's something else. Until now I had a role to play, repugnant as it might have been to me.
Enjoy it? No. Well, perhaps at first but things have changed and it seems to me that I'm no longer relevant. Some of the things that people do, they're far, far beyond anything I could have conceived. I feel useless, redundant.
I promise I'll be grateful for any chance you give me. I'm sure that, given a second chance, I could still achieve something worthwhile because though fallen, I am an angel still. Please, sweet Lord, please reconsider the fate of Lucifer, your repentant servant.
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Written by NorthernRose (25 comments posted) 7th June 2005 |
Nice, short and snappy piece. I got the drift of the story halfway through but still liked the end sentence (and thought it was needed).
Just one point:
"I realise now that apart from being disloyal, proud and ambitious, I was also extremely stupid and because, when I fell from grace, I dragged so many others down with me."
This sentence doesn't sound finished. Try removing the 'and' between 'stupid' and 'because' or expand on the second half of the sentence.
You use quite formal language. Have you thought about rewriting this story as a letter rather than a phone call?
All in all a great read which is well written. |
Written by Songster (52 comments posted) 11th June 2005 |
Thanks so much for your review NorthernRose. I have looked carefully at your crticism and I think you have taken it slightly out of context. The words 'and because' in this paragraph relate to 'no, not just because' where he gives one reason for his bitter regret while 'and because' leads to the next reason.
Because this is speech the grammar can be more fluid than in a formal piece of prose. The language is formal because that is the way I imagine the character speaking. I prefer a phone call to a letter here because it is more immediate and, though only one side of the conversation is relayed, it is hoped that, from what is referred to, the other side is as clearly understood and would, hopefully, lead the reader to wonder, what is the answer to his final plea.
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Like this a lot....
Written by richard (88 comments posted) 14th June 2005 |
Enjoyed this a lot - and actually enjoyed it more on second reading which is strange for me. As I was reading it the first time I found myself questioning the langauge being used, as it was quite formal and 'dated' (if you see what I mean) but as soon as you know who the caller is and why they're calling - the language is exactly right I think. So spot on for me and I think it added to the enjoyment of the story to suddenly have that realisation that the language was right.
Only thought I would have is whether this is too good an idea to only use for such a short piece - you could do almost anything with it as a fairly long short story charting Lucifer's dissolusionment with his role and his attempts to be forgiven? (Just a thought....) |
Written by Songster (52 comments posted) 14th June 2005 |
Thanks a lot Richard. Different takes on Lucifer do figure in other stories of mine, most notably 'Lammas Eve', a story still waiting to win first prize in any competition. It's been second but no-one has yet fully recognised its genius. I will probably post it up sooner or later to get a few comments, but some people aren't going to like it. One comment at a writing workshop was "You shouldn't have things like that in your mind." I think anything is grist to a writer's mill.
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enjoyed it very much
Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 19th June 2005 |
just a suggestion
if you construct the last paragraph like you have the one before it then you'll ride out the previous mystique and, to my mind , strengthen the piece
so : A chance? I promise etc etc (then it's a phone call 0 (but you still keep the prosaic style and voice)
look forward to that Llams thing
that writing workshop comment is a compliment, keep up the good work |
many thanks for that Kevin.
Written by Songster (52 comments posted) 20th June 2005 |
Yes, I was quite pleased with that writing workshop comment too.
I take your meaning Kevin. It is a good criticism and when I edit it next time I will definitely do something along those lines with the last pragraph but not ' A chance' because that suggests God might be relenting with words such as 'I might give you a chance' and I want it more open ended than that. |
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