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Poetry
Friendship Frayed
By JourneyAtNight
28 November 2006
Just wrote this, it still needs work. Attack as you please!

x

Frustration boiling
with the pressure of his words
tipping her cover as
guilt overflows
she is unable to reiterate
what he left there...

left
lingering
there.

Those wretched words
slowly tearing that perfect picture to pieces,
her work of art.
Friendship defaced.

Anger grows and divides

towards Him
for a selfish confession
ignorantly spoken.
Leaving her with a big black weight
to carry on her back.

and towards herself -
Her own blind and tactless ways,
too many smiles
too much eyelash.

And now
only awkward silences and
indecisive eyes
remain
to increase the pain,
the presence
of a threadbare bond.

Reviews

Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 28th November 2006
This is quite good for me. I read it three times and it got better with each passing. 
 
I like the metaphor of worn material; 
 
As one old piece of string said to the other "I'm a frayed knot!" 
 
Oli :grin

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 28th November 2006
Hi Esra, 
 
(I'm still sniggering a bit from 'arse backwards' - he's a cheeky bugger) 
 
I liked this very much. Few points...mostly personal opinion... 
 
I wasn't sure that 'reiterate' was the right word, it was a bit at odds with the simple language in most of the rest of the piece. I also thought 'left lingering there could have been one line. I wasn't sure about the capitalisation of 'Him' and I think you could lose either 'big' or 'black'. 
 
Just minor picky points really, polish it up and it'll be fantastic. 
 
Elli

Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 28th November 2006
Thanks to you both. 
 
Elli - I should probably learn to trust my instincts more often, because all those things you pointed out were the things that I was unsure about my self - but I got too impatient! Thanks though. 
 
I'm still laughing about the name thing too, and yes he is a cheeky bugger, although I don't think he meant to be this time(which makes it even funnier). So you are forgiven Oli, and I'm glad that you found this to be quite good. :grin  
 
Tis much appreciated. 
 
E

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 28th November 2006
Liked this, although funnily enough, 'reiterate' brought me up sharp. That was before I read Elli's comments, so she's probably got a point as you have already acknowledged. Not much point in this review then, except to repeat: I liked it. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.

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