Day 5

Our group's close feeling continued into breakfast the next morning, and with my newly acquired feeling of kinship with Bill, I remember chatting with him - perhaps even flirting with him - as we ordered our eggs and bacon.

We had come to the part of the conference that I think we all dreaded. Each group was closeted together for their final session, and in it, each of us in turn had to tell the others what we liked about them and what we didn’t like. We went to our designated room, and sat there stiffly. There were only five of us, as Bob had taken his available option and had chosen not come to this session.

Ben came in the room. “I like your jacket,” I said.

“It’s the same one I wore coming,” he said, and I’m sure I blushed, because it wasn’t the jacket that had changed. It was still the same bright orange. It was me who had changed.

“I really do not want to do this,” I said.

“Well, it has to be done, and somebody has to start so I will,” said Carole. And she went around and said to each of us what she liked about us, and what she thought left room for improvement. It didn’t seem too bad after all. She hadn’t been nasty to anyone.

Next it was Bill’s turn. He looked at me first, “Jean, I wish I had got to know you better. I only know that whenever you spoke it was like a pearl of wisdom. If I had to do this week over, I know I would have done it differently.” It was almost a declaration of love. The look in his eyes was clear and direct and his voice was firm and I was absolutely floored. He then went around and said nice things to the others, but I don’t remember them, if I even heard them.

Then came Ed. He too first talked to me. “I have very much valued everything you have said and so much enjoyed being in your group. My only criticism is that you didn’t talk enough. What ever you said was worth listening to.”

Again, I was taken aback, but not quite so much by Ed as by Bill - as I had an inkling that he liked me.

Now it was Ben’s turn. He seemed annoyed and his comments to me were neither personal nor memorable. Was he surprised that the other men in the group found me attractive and worth listening to - even without my reverting to educational jargon?

My turn now. I started out somewhat differently than the others. “I know Bob isn’t here now, and therefore I can say something that I wouldn’t have said in front of him. I think that the fact we have grown into a group was because of him. Either we were annoyed by him or we defended him but because of him we had a focus - and it was the focus that made us into a group. He was the catalyst. I very much doubt if he was changed because of our sessions, but the rest of us were.”

There was a general assent from the group.

I went on, “Carole, I liked the way you befriended Bob, and treated him like an equal. And you were always there to listen to anyone. But I didn’t like the fact that you were often late for the general meetings.”

“Bill, I was very touched by your support of me - especially on the day when I had my breakdown. I wish also that I had got to know you better, but I very much value the time we had together. Maybe if you had been a bit more forthcoming, it would have helped.”

“Ed, I always felt that I had your support and friendship. I suppose that as we both have similar jobs, we had the most in common. Again, I wish that you had said more in the meetings as we didn’t really get a chance to know you very well.”

Now the thing I had dreaded, my comments to Ben. “Ben I value your leadership qualities, and I have already said more than enough about the other aspects of your personality.” Everyone laughed, except Ben.

We were pretty much finished when there was a knock on the door. It was Bob who decided that he would like to join in our group after all.

“You know that people might say things about you that you won’t like?” asked Carole.

“That’s okay. I can take it,” said Bob.

I started out, “I think it took a lot of courage, Bob for you to opt out of this session. But it took more courage for you to come back and sit in with us now. I don’t think I want to say anything else.”

The others sort of took my example and said good things about Bob but nobody tore him apart, nobody said that he had been somewhat lacking in his contribution to our discussions. We sort of accepted him for what he was, and appreciated that he was a part of our group, warts and all.

After we had finished and still in a warm glow we went for the coffee break. We sat together and continued our mutual admiration society. Ben stayed with us on this occasion and seemed as much in this enveloping shell of comradeship as the rest of us.

The final meeting of the conference was just for feedback and a chance to say good bye. Bill and I sat next to each other. I was so aware of him - and he of me. It was almost as if we were holding hands, and I think our knees were touching. I was so confused because up until this very morning, I had only thought of him as another person in the group, and now suddenly he had become the most important person in the room to me. We sat and talked about things, and then he cleared his throat and looked at me and said, “Will you meet me outside after this is over?”

I didn’t know what to say. I could only think that he wanted to meet me in order to make some arrangement for future meetings or writing to each other. I didn’t want to get involved. I am happily married, and despite my yearnings for the men in my group, and theirs for me, I didn’t think I wanted it to go beyond this week.

“I can’t.” I said. “I can’t take any more emotion. I need to go straight home.”

He didn’t say a word, but got up and went out of the room. His chair was empty for awhile, and then somebody came and wanted to sit there, so I let her. When he came back after maybe fifteen minutes, he saw his place had been taken and found another chair farther down the room.

The organisers did their final spiel, and we were offered more information on TA if we wanted it. We were each to write ourselves a note of what we had gotten from the week, which the conference leaders would send to us in six months time - for us to then assess if we had managed to carry on with our good intentions.

Then it was time for farewells. I caught Bill’s eye and we said Goodbye from a distance of six chairs. I walked across the room to make sure I didn’t miss out on my various girlfriends from the week and nearly bumped into Ben. He gave me and hug and a kiss on the cheek and said, “It’s been fun.” Just then I turned around and saw that Bill was hugging Carole. How I wanted it to me that he was hugging. Maybe I had made an enormous mistake - and yet again managed to mess up my relationship with a man.

I had time for lunch before our bus left to take us to the station. Ben was there, at another table. I knew that I would see him on the bus for our journey to the station. Sure enough, as we were lined up outside the bus, I was able to have a few words with him. We walked together and I went on first and found a free set of seats for us. He walked past me and chose to sit with someone else. I knew my face was burning, but a woman asked if the seat next to me was free, and I said yes.

So there we were in Bristol waiting for our various trains to take us back to normal life. At that moment I didn’t think I would ever feel normal again. The organisers were right when they warned us at the beginning of the week that we would be changed as a result of our emotional development.

Ben’s train to London pulled in and just as he started to walk towards it I said, “Goodbye Ben.”

“Aren’t you getting on too?” he asked.

“No, I go North.” I was annoyed that he hadn’t even cared enough about me for it to register where I lived.

“Bye.”

Not many minutes later my train pulled in and I got on.

My conference was over. My week had been more than exciting. But when I started to think about what I had set myself as the task for the week, I had to admit that I was more confused than reassured by what I had learned.

I learned that my body was completely divorced from my mind. I had fancied, and still very much did fancy a man who, intellectually. I had written off as a bully. He hadn’t really changed much in the week. It was me who changed. I found that I could accept his mannerisms because I was attracted to him. No wonder women get mixed up with men who treat them badly.

But the biggest revelation to me was that of the men in our group, two of them had cared for me - one of them enough to put himself forward on offer for a future relationship of some sort. I hadn’t expected that. I hadn’t seen it coming. I hadn’t dealt with it at all well.

It made me wonder if my problems with men at work had to do with sex. Did I not get along with them because I fancied them - or because I was afraid they might fancy me?

All I knew was that I was very anxious to get home to my very kind and loving husband, who I was sure would know how to make me feel a lot better.