A twin poem to 'Lego Jedi' Meant to be read as a pair. The flip side of the coin of you like-this one was much harder to write than the first for some reason. Harder not to sound trite I think, not sure if I've managed it.
Piggyback around the swimming pool.
Trip to the cinema.
Thai noodles with chicken.
Book at bedtime.
It does not take much
to tease a smile from him and a hug
so hard you fear that he will topple you.
Uncomplicated joy
in the simplest of things.
Global warming, council tax
bills, politics, religion,
so what?
As long as he can escape
having his hair washed
or doing his maths homework,
it does not matter. Life is good.
He still believes he will follow
in my footsteps.
Go to my old school. Work
in Morrisons. Learn
to drive (eventually). Go to university.
Graduate and get a job
even though he does not understand
what these things mean.
Maybe he is the lucky one
for now. Trapped in the moment.
Letting others wear themselves out
worrying about things
which cannot be fixed.
For his sake, I hope it lasts.
|
Hi again Elli
Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 30th November 2006 |
I really liked this one too. At first I thought it was about a mother and child and then I wondered after I read it if you were thinking of your brother.
It wasn't trite at all. |
Lovely emotions...
Written by Talisker (1320 comments posted) 30th November 2006 |
But difficult to mould into an elegant poem. Your words are as skillful as ever, but this is a bit clumsy and jagged for me. Not your usual lyrical beauty to it.
Worthy in subject, inferior in execution. Sorry Sweet Elli!
Sam is such a lucky laddie! I wish I'd had a nice sweet sister to hug 
Oli |
Sweet
Written by Fledermaus (3230 comments posted) 30th November 2006 |
| A sweet poem... Who knows what will become of all those little kids in an increasingly complicated world? |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 30th November 2006 |
I liked your last stanza in particular -- the idea of letting other people 'worry about things that cannot be fixed.' That is certainly one of the nicest things about being a child. I'm not sure that you need the last line there, though I can understand the sentiment. You watch him and wonder how long you can keep him happy and comfortable.
Sam is lucky. I suspect a lot of us could have used a big sister like you. And all those things you mention in your first stanza -- that's pretty much all that it takes to get a smile and a hug out of me. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 30th November 2006 |
This subject is a work in progress really...I fear it will be for some time! We'll see, thanks for taking the time to comment.
Elli |
Written by Phil (6632 comments posted) 30th November 2006 |
Not trite at all Elli. What comes across in this are true human feelings. This reveals/says a lot about you - and that makes it pretty special.
Not as elegant or poetic as Lego Jedi (sorry I don't have the poetic vocabulary to be precise) but just as important as it had things to say and said them well.
Don't think of this as critical. It's a strong piece in a different way. The key to it's success is the fact that it sits with the first piece.
Hope all this makes sense to you - it does to me.
All the best,
Phil. |
Right balance.
Written by woody44 (774 comments posted) 1st December 2006 |
Nice piece obviously written from the heart - could be sister/brother, mother/daughter, all the same emotions are there. Very difficult I should imagine not to become over-sentimental or trite with poems like this (and I`m no expert!) but you seem to have captured the right balance Elli.
happy writing
Woody |
Subtlety is key
Written by andie (3 comments posted) 6th December 2006 |
I liked reading this very much, you have a way with words indeed. I agree with jean.day, I had first thought it was a father-son relationship, yet throughout the end I realised it was something a sibling would have said about another.
One thing that strikes me though is the lines in the first stanza "Thai noodles with chicken. Book at bedtime." What this tells me is although the subject in question seems to harbour the simplest of ideals (the "Work in Morrisons" bit was an ultimate giveaway), he still appreciates exotic food (though I'm not sure how exotic Thai noodles are) and still takes a book to bed. Those two subtle lines show me that he's not just a regular yob  |
Thanks Andie...
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 6th December 2006 |
I fear this is far from being finished but Im glad you liked it.
Elli |
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