The Not news agony column
 
Dear  Aunty Jane, I am worried about my young son. He has started communicating with Satan. Is this normal in a 10 year old? He’s quite a normal little chap except that he insists on writing letters to Satan and asks me to post them for him. What should I do?
Yours truly, Mrs Witzl
 
Dear Mrs Witzl, This is certainly uncommon for that age group but I shouldn’t worry over-much. I have read one of the letters you sent. I notice he is asking Satan for bicycles and computer games and bearing in mind the coming season I think it he needs nothing more than a few spelling lessons but just in case I recommend a short course of Ginko Baloba and a quick exorcism.
 
 
Dear Aunty Jane, I have noticed a change in my partner. He is becoming over critical and patronising. He has started to spend more time down the pub, has given up on his appearance and has taken up projectile vomiting as a hobby. What is going wrong?
Yours truly, Mrs  A Givitsum
 
Dear Mrs G
I have carefully studied what you have said and I think he shows all the classic symptoms of being Northern. Usually these things are obvious at once but if the person has lived away from the influence for a while it can lie dormant but can suddenly re-awaken if exposed to some catalyst, like strong brown ale or old re-runs of Aufedersein Pet. There is not a lot you can do, as it tends to be hereditary but a course of Ginko Baloba might control it.
 
 
 
Dear Aunty Jane, I am a quixotic Piscean with Libra rising. I am thinking of giving up my job to become a full time Poet but am not sure if all the signs are right? I would that add I am Scottish.
  Yours Truly, Mr O Talisker
 
Dear  Mr Talisker
All the signs are propitious for any new move. I can understand your uncertainty but with Libra rising in your sign any verse you dish up will be ecstatically received.
 To help you in your project I can tell you from your chart, your lucky colour is Beige, your lucky implement is the spatula, your lucky disease is Eczema and lucky supplement is Ginko Baloba. The Scottish-ness is something a lot of people have managed over-come, just look at Terry Wogan.
 
 
Dear Aunty Jane I have a good job but my colleagues and paymasters are total and utter eejits and gobshytes.   I have tried explaining this to them as forcefully as I can but they can’t seem to take it in. The cud chewing bovine bastards are driving me to distraction with their stupidity.
Yours Truly, Gerard .(name and blood group withheld)
 
Dear Gerard
I would normally recommend a course of Ginko Baloba for this problem but as you appear to be in the writing profession it would have little effect; some thing stronger is called for. I will be contacting you privately with the name of a reliable contract hit man. In the mean time I am sure you would all benefit from a Feng shui expert and a little Reiki massage.
 
Dear Aunty Jane
My husband has become very secretive and uncommunicative lately. He spends hours locked in the spare room with the computer. He is in a world of his own and talks to himself. He invents fantasy characters and ignores me. Is it just me?
 Yours Fretfully, Mrs D Coosh
 
Dear Mrs Coosh. It is easy to blame yourself when these things happen. I am almost positive, from what you say, he has taken up creative writing. You need to act immediately to stamp this out. Ginko Baloba should be injected straight into the cerebellum; you should not try this yourself. It should be performed by an experienced Health Food shop-keeper, preferably on a bed of organic cranberries. The next step is to wean him off the sites, try distracting him by getting him involved in one of the many harmless porn sites available. On-line gambling is another risk-free alternative to the danger of his present activity.
 
 Dear  Aunty Jane, I have a wonderful husband. I feel I shouldn’t complain but he likes to write poems, has been doing it for years: the trouble is they hardly ever rhyme. Apart from this one hiccup they are quite good. I am aware you have firm views on this subject. Can you help? I know it is a small thing but after all this time it is driving me crazy
 Yours truly, Mrs Patty Jack
 
Dear Patty. It’s the little things like this that can do the damage. You were right to contact me as this is so easily corrected.  A short course of slow-release Pam Ayers Patches should correct this problem and ensure a long and happy relationship. I’m not sure it will do much for his writing but in relationships the watchword is compromise.

Dear Jane, 
My wife said I shouldn`t write but the problem has become so acute I couldn`t hold back any longer. Some time ago I started taking a course of Ginko Biloba for my lumbago but over the last few weeks I find to my horror that I have turned into a rampant sex maniac. My wife now dreads me coming to bed and never turns her back on me when she is passing the dining room table. I have tried weening myself off the tincture but the side effects leave me quite limp. Hope you can help. 
 
PS. I still have my lumbago. 
 
yours hopefully, 
W of Mansfield 

Dear Woody. Yes I must admit I did forget to mention this slight side- affect of Ginko Baloba. I have learned  to live with it and neither my husband or the many tradesman who call ever remark on it. My only suggestion is you dose your wife up with it too. I suggest you slip it to her surreptitiously (which is obviously something you haven't been doing recently). It is quite  tasteless and should take affect in a day or two; after which time your lumbago will be the least of your concerns. If you put a recorder in the bedroom you may earn extra income by selling copies on Ebay
 
[Any letters will be treated in the strictest confidence and cynically re-edited for maximum sensational effect.]