Okay. So I'm not sure if it's funny, or just silly and purile. I'm not sure if it should be here or over in poetry. All I am sure about is that I enjoyed writing it. Perhaps others could add a verse or two.
A-tish-oo0OOO
He sneezed with the power of a thousand farts
And spread his snot widely to foreign parts.
It flew cross the channel to visit our mates
In Europe (and further, it reached Asia’s gates.)
In Belgium they brewed it into a beer
And due to free snot now it’s not very dear.
It’s drunk by the litre in Bruges and Ostend,
To leave all its quaffers with green drippy ends.
(Many trips to the STD clinic ensued.)
It’s shade of green had French mouths a-wat’ring
They made a sauce that had their beef sizzling.
Ooo la-la they cried, smacking their lips
And invented a relish to spread on their chips.
(At least now, the French, who boastfully claim the best cuisine in the world, but serve everything with chips, understand the British liking for ketchup.)
The Germans, god bless them, at this were quite sore,
As all I could find for a rhyme was world war.
Imagine V rockets with heads full of snot
Landing on London, all slimy and hot.
(Instead of gas masks, children would have had to carry umbrellas. Imagine the mopping up operation!)
It’s gel in some brothels in Holland I hear
To aid easy entrance in front or in rear.
It’s cheaper than KY, organic and green
And now it’s a part of the gay clubbing scene.
(Makes the term brown hatting redundant.)
To finish this tale of well travelled phlegm
He’s planning another sneeze coming up when
He can gather his power and point to the west
To splatter the prairies of the Wild West.
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Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 4th December 2006 |
A nice little piece of Milliganesque-style nonsense and some vividly disgusting images to wake up to before breakfast. Is this what goes through your head when you're teaching the kids at school? You're better qualified than I am to know the sort of reaction you'll get in Poetry - are you worried that guy who's learning French might contribute - "le bogey de ma tante"? - Here's why I never post there:
There's a beetch in Havana, who's hatching a plot
To poison El Presidente with her toxic snot
A lethal mucus from the CIA
Like the Night Nurse they use, in Guantanamo Bay.
(Fidel survives 639th assassination attempt, as contract killer blows her cover)
Cheers, Phil - but thanks to you, I'll be cancelling dinner in that French restaurant tonight.
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Viz material.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 4th December 2006 |
Loved it Phil. What a vivid imagination. Coosh is right. Worthy of Milligan at his disrespectful best. Send it to VIZ. Rival to Felix and his Amazing Underpants.
And thanks for the e-mail. Will reply when I have a mo.
Slan! |
Bingo!....
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 4th December 2006 |
Phil. As I never tire of telling people ad nauseam, comedy is a serious business. Cliche. OK. But, silly, purile? Yes. And that's why the more I think on this the more I feel you have something here. I have as you know always thought you had something as witnessed by the irreverent school poems. But this idea has the potential to be the kind of scurrilous and offensive defamation notion cartoon comics like Viz take to. I would really urge you to think of developing ' Phil and His Fabulous Phlegm ' as a strip exactly in the manner of ' Felix and his Amazing Underpants ' which became a legend of strip syndication.
I am thinking in terms of a five box window 50 word max illustrated cartoon of Phil, foul, unPC smoker who, say at the mention of a strap word/phrase, like the Incredible Hulk, is tripped to wheezing coughing and splattering his acrid bile over everything. Catch? The 'Fabulous Phlegm' turns out to be the miracle cure from everything from preventing Global Warming to curing Aids. Get my drift? It is the ultimate unPC contradiction.
The trick of the tail here will be to script storylines concise enough to fit a max 50 word illustration. The punchline has to be every problem in the world is solved by the vile peppered blast of the bile from the bellyaching butt head from Bolton. Daft? Precisely. As was the Amazing Underpants. Therein lies the attraction. Totally OTT epic salvo in the face of all cherished accepted wisdom.
Needs some thought this. But how about starting off by scripting how the Fabulous Phlegm puts a stop to the Polar Icecap melting; going on to have it reinvigourating the Amazon Rain Forests!? The more preposterous the better. Every drug company in the world will be after you as it turns out the Phlegm reverses aging; then solves Third World Debt, etc... And all from an obnoxious, reactionary hacking chain smoker from Bolton.
If I were in your position I would be thinking of approaching Syndication Strip Illustration Agencies with some developed lines on this.
Slan!
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 4th December 2006 |
I wish I had had a teacher like you when I was at school. I bet your poetry classes are a riot.
Lots of gooey fun
Jane |
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 4th December 2006 |
Great! I love anything which gives you free rein to develope a piece into many different directions as you go along - and doesn`t take itself too seriously in the process! I`m no expert by any stretch of the imagination but I should think it worth following up Gerards advice. All the best if you do!
happy writing
Woody |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 4th December 2006 |
Thanks for the comments everyone. It's good to know mine isn't the only purile mind hereabouts.
Gerard, thanks for the advice - I'll work on that during my Christmas break.
All the best,
Phil. |
Keep 'em coming..
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 4th December 2006 |
A lovely bit of poor taste, just what the doctor ordered in my opinion. Yer man's got a point, I remember Tommy And His Magic Arse a few years ago, totally mad, but funny.
Being Un-PC is something I strive toward. I'd suggest your magic mucus could adopt a similar attitude, speaking it's mind in various situations, and upsetting the PC tosspots.
Cheers
Givitsum
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Hi Phil
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 10th December 2006 |
| Great fun this. Couldn't stop laughing as it got funnier and funnier. I will wait impatiently to hear what happens when it gets to North Dakota. |
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