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Drama Scripts
The Emperor's Legacy, 1st Act
By Witzl
04 December 2006
Rewritten to make explanation of family relationships less obvious.

Please feel 100% free to criticize. No opinions ignored, no advice unconsidered.

THE  EMPEROR’S  LEGACY

 

1st Generation: EDWARD MORRISON  80  WWII veteran and ex-POW of the  

                         Japanese

 

2nd Generation: HERBERT MORRISON  52  Oldest Morrison sibling.

                         VALERIE MORRISON  49   Herbert’s wife.

                         STEPHEN MORRISON  45  Second Morrison sibling

 DIANE MORRISON  43  Stephen’s wife.

 ADAM MORRISON   38    Second to youngest Morrison sibling.

 KIMIYO MORRISON 36    Adam’s wife, born and raised largely in   

 Japan but of mixed Asian background

 GWENDOLYN MORRISON   36 Youngest Morrison sibling.

 

3rd Generation: COLIN MORRISON  24   Stephen and Diane’s youngest son.

 

 SCENES  Adam and Kimiyo Morrison’s bedroom in Nottingham

                 Herbert and Valerie Morrison’s living room

 

ACT I

SCENE:  Adam and Kimiyo’s bedroom.  This is a rather shabby room with a large number of cardboard boxes that line both walls. Some of the boxes have clothes spilling out of them. In the centre of the room is a double bed. Spotlight is on the bed.

ADAM: (Nudging his wife gently)  You awake, Kimi?

KIMIYO:  (Sleepily)  Mmmm.

ADAM:  We don’t have to do this, you know.

KIMIYO:  (Shifting in bed and stretching) Don’t have to do what? (Yawning broadly)

ADAM:  (Obviously ill at ease) You know – the whole family thing. Going to my brother’s house, meeting everybody. We really don’t have to. We can still back out.

KIMIYO:  (Turning in bed to face Adam)  What you mean, ‘back out, don’t have to?’ We tell them we are going, we make promise –

ADAM:  (Sighing) I know, I know. But you don’t know my family. I’m not sure you

realize what you’re getting into!

KIMIYO:  (Heatedly) Everybody has family like that! You met my sisters, my crazy cousin from Osaka.  My God, Adam, you met my father

ADAM:  (Putting his arms around Kimiyo)  Yeah, but – that’s different.

KIMIYO:  (Indignant) How different?

ADAM:  (Laughing) I don’t know, they just – they were kind of sweet, really. Funny. Wacky, sure, but – well, different from my family. It wasn’t like they were trying to be anything different from what they were or –

KIMIYO:  (Playfully)  That’s because they are meeting  you that time!  You think they are gonna be acting same way they always act – in front of you? You think they are going to be crazy people around handsome foreign guy? Guy who has ask me to  marry with him?

ADAM:  (Grabbing Kimiyo and burying his face into her chest)  Handsome foreign guy, huh?

KIMIYO:  (Giggling and trying to push Adam off her) Yeah, back then you were. Back then you work out always, all the time, you do aikido and you jog, so very skinny, but lots of muscles, too –

ADAM:  (Tickling Kimiyo)  I’ve still got lots of muscles. Wanna see ‘em?

KIMIYO:  (Laughing)  Ouch, Adam, you are hurting! Get off me!   

ADAM:  (Grabbing Kimiyo in a bear hug and sighing) Just don’t say I never told you so later, that’s all. (He is still hugging Kimiyo to him as he speaks and his voice is muffled by her chest)

KIMIYO:  (Wriggling)  What did you say?  I cannot hear you!

ADAM:  (Pulling his head away from Kimiyo, holding her by the shoulders and looking her in the eye) Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

KIMIYO:  (Curiously)  You always say things in your family are bad, you always say not get along, but why?

ADAM:   (Sighing again and shrugging)  I don’t know, really. It just – we just –

KIMIYO:  (Sitting up in bed on one elbow) You have three brother, one sister, right?

ADAM:  (Nodding)  And there’s a big gap between the oldest and  me. He was practically ready to leave home when I was born.

KIMIYO:  Oldest one called what again?

ADAM:  (Sighing yet more deeply) Herbert.

KIMIYO:  (Nodding) Okay, I remember. Her – butt. And next one – name Simon, right? (Kimiyo pronounces ‘Simon’ as Sigh – Moan) We met him in Tokyo that time, when he went there from Manila, right?

ADAM:  Mmm, that’s the one. Except we won’t be seeing him today. He’s too smart, Simon. He never had any kids.

KIMIYO: (Half sitting up in bed, half indignant, half surprised) And this is smart thing? Having no kids?

ADAM:  (Shrugging) Makes life a lot less complicated, you have to admit.

KIMIYO:  (A little uneasily) Hmmm. If you stay home, never go out, never do anything, life is not so complicated. But have no fun, either. Anyway, I am going to make coffee. (Starts to get out of bed, pulling on robe)

ADAM:  (Reaching out to pull her back) Hang on, where are you going?

KIMIYO:  (Sits on the side of bed and yawns) Like I said – to make coffee. It is late!

ADAM:  (Grabbing her around the waist and attempting to pull her back in) It’s bloody cold, too. Wait until it’s a little warmer. The heating’s just gone on.’

KIMIYO:  (Still sitting up, but turning to face Adam)  I am nervous.

ADAM:  What, about meeting my family?

KIMIYO:  (Picking at hem of robe) Yes.

ADAM:  Well then, let me call Herbert and Val. They’ll understand!  When they first invited us, I told them I wasn’t even sure we’d be able to make it, so –

KIMIYO: (Quietly) You do not want me to meet them.

ADAM:  (Pulling her back in bed) You know that’s not true!

KIMIYO:  (Angrily sitting back up)  I know that you always make excuse – ‘Oh, they are so busy,’ or ‘We are so busy.’ Or you say, ‘w are not close.’ But I introduce you to all peoples in my family, close or not so close, and I have only met this brother Sigh-moan. Never Sigh-moan wife, or other brothers or your father. I think you are ashamed of me.

ADAM:  (Angrily) Jesus, Kimi, you know that isn’t true!

KIMIYO:  (Standing up and walking over to window)  I always think that when we come here, we will get together your family. Meeting brothers, sister, father – all of them. Because even if people are not close, family is family. You know that I do not like everyone in my family. But I cannot ignore them, just say ‘Oh, we are not so close, so you do not have to meet them.’ Because they are part of me, part of what I am. And you married to me, so you are part of me too.

ADAM:  (Sitting up in bed, wrapping blanket around himself) Come on, Kimi, it’s freezing – get back in bed. 

KIMIYO:  (Turning to look at Adam) You will stop saying ‘Let’s not go?’

ADAM:  (Resignedly) Jesus, yes, if that’s what it takes. What’s mine is yours. You want my family, you can have them. With any luck, you’ll get on better with them than I do. In fact, you’re so sweet, you  probably will anyway, so what am I worried about?

KIMIYO:  (Slightly mollified, comes and sits on side of bed again) So, most of your family is showing up, just not father and one brother.

ADAM:  You know, they told me, but I can’t even remember who’s coming and who isn’t. I’ve barely kept up with who’s married and who’s divorced and who’s died, I’ve been away for so long. I haven’t spent Christmas with them for years now.  What with being single and living abroad for so many years, I’ve gotten out of it for a long time. (Smiling)

KIMIYO: (Musing) Next year, we can take our turn. We can have family Christmas here! I can bake turkeys, make Japanese style Christmas cake –

ADAM:  (Looking horrified) Good God, Kimi, give me a break! This place is way too small just for starters!

KIMIYO(Getting back in bed with Adam) Okay, okay. Just idea. So, your Dad is not coming to Christmas.

ADAM:  (Vaguely) Mmm.

KIMIYO: And your Dad just now, he is living with Simon and Simon wife, right?

ADAM:  Yes – the family pass Dad around, kind of like they do Christmas. Actually, when I say family, I mean my brothers. He’s dead set against going into a retirement home, see, so they’ve taken it in turns – having him stay with them. Dad’s always been pretty stubborn, but he’s been getting worse over the years. And he’s been getting forgetful too, so they’ve been thinking of maybe finding a home for him. (Kimiyo stares back at him somewhat blankly) You know about homes, right?

KIMIYO:  (Confused) But he has home already, with you guys, right?

ADAM:  Well, yeah, but – no, by ‘home’ I mean like, retirement home. You’ve heard of them, right? Places where people go and stay when they’re not able to look after themselves.

KIMIYO:  Okay, yeah, I got it. That kind of home. Not really home kind of home.

ADAM:  Mmm.

KIMIYO:  (Thoughtfully)  Adam?

ADAM:  Yeah?

KIMIYO: Why we not take turn with your father too? Have him to stay here? Easier

for your brothers, brothers’ family that way.

ADAM:  (Looking horrified) Jesus, Kimi, we’ve only just got here!  We’re hardly

even moved in!  Plus, my father – God, no!  He’s just –(floundering, struggling for the right words) – well, he’s stubborn.

KIMIYO:  (Frowning) All old men stubborn. (Prodding him in the chest with one finger) Plenty young men stubborn, too! So what?

ADAM:  So, no way!  We’ve only got the one spare room and it’s tiny. And we’re only going to be here for – what? – a couple of years before we go back to Japan. Plus there are stairs (looking immensely relieved as he considers this).  Dad could never handle all the stairs. Plus he’s – my father’s – he’s just – (Looking uncomfortable)

KIMIYO: He is what?

ADAM:  (Nervously) Well, he’s just – he’s really set in his ways. Old-fashioned.

KIMIYO: (Eyeing him narrowly) You are saying he does not like Japanese peoples? Is this why I have not met him even now – he does not want to meet me?

ADAM:  (Snuggling up to her again) Now, how could anyone not like you?

KIMIYO:  (Pushing him back and frowning) That is NOT answering question!  Lots of peoples here – they go through the war – they don’t like Japanese peoples –

ADAM:  (Exasperatedly) Kimi, just forget it, okay? I’ve talked to Herbert and Simon; they’re okay about taking care of Dad. My sister Gwen and I – we just don’t have the kind of settled lifestyle that Dad would need to be able to stay with us. There’s enough money – that’s one big break – and when Dad really does get too hard for them to look after, he’ll just go into one of those homes.

KIMIYO:  Okay, okay. Just idea. Though still seems kinda funny that except for Simon I meet your brothers after we get married, and I am not even meet your father one time and now we are married – what? – almost four months?

(Adam does not answer for a moment; there is a short silence as he pretends to be

making himself more comfortable in bed, fluffing the pillow behind him and changing

position)

ADAM:  (With forced nonchalance, stretching and yawning) Take my word for it Kimi, it’s no big deal. He’s getting forgetful anyway, and like I said, Simon and Celia aren’t even going to be around this Christmas, so he won’t be at Herbert’s.

KIMIYO: So you tell me about Her-butt and Sigh-moan so far – what about other brother and sister?

ADAM(Looking bored, studying his fingernails) Stephen, that’s my youngest older brother. He’s still seven years older than I am.

KIMIYO:  (Nodding) And Stephen wife is --?

ADAM:  Diane. She’s American.

KIMIYO:  (Grinning and shaking her head) I remember now – you tell me before. We are really big international family, Adam!

ADAM:  (Looking grim) Yeah. Mmm.

KIMIYO:  And your brothers’ children – they will be there too, right?

ADAM:  Well as far as Paul is concerned – he’s Herbert’s son – yes and no. I mean, he’s always there – he lives at home – but he never shows himself. People come over and he holes up in his room. It’s kind of weird, actually. He’s really shy, but I think there’s something more to it. He’s always been like that – really introverted. But now he’s a proper recluse. He never goes out, never comes out when people are visiting. I feel kind of sorry for Herbert and Valerie – that’s his wife. But – well, they don’t really talk about it, about Paul.

KIMIYO:  (Interested) I remember now! You told me about him when we visit my

aunt and uncle. And we said to you – remember? – maybe like our cousin Junichi, one

in Osaka, always stay in room, never come out except for meals.

ADAM:  Well, yeah. But your cousin is13. And Paul – well, he’s not a boy

any more, that’s the problem. He’s 26 now, see.

KIMIYO:  (Nodding) This is big problem right now in Japan, you know. Plenty kids who do not leave room, not even go to school, never go to visit friends.

ADAM:  Yeah, well, it’s a big problem right now for Herbert and Valerie. Paul seems okay about it, but then he doesn’t pay the bills or think about the future. He’s just up in his room all the time, never goes anywhere or does anything.

KIMIYO:  But there are girls too, you say, right – sisters?

ADAM:  Oh God yes. Airheads, both of them. The only thing you can actually talk to them about is cruelty free cosmetics and make-up. Otherwise – forget it.

KIMIYO:  (Interested) What is airhead? (Kimiyo pronounces this as L-head)

ADAM:  (Smiling and knocking on his own head with his knuckles)  What it sounds like, actually: nobody home, nothing in here but air.

KIMIYO:  (Jokingly) Oh, got it: mental lightweight. Exact opposite as to me.

ADAM:  Actually, that’s right. They are your perfect opposites. Into fingernails, hair, and dieting big-time, though not always in that order. But you don’t have to worry – they’re off on some bimbo ski trip, so you’re safe there. Otherwise, trust me, you’d end up listening to their monologues on Save the Whales. Or watching them paint their nails – endlessly. God, the last time I had dinner at Stephen’s place they talked non-stop about accessories. I don’t think I’ve ever snuck so many peeks at my watch in all my life. I thought I was going to get tendonitis. (Crooks his right elbow and mimics sneaking a look at his watch and wincing from the pain)

KIMIYO(Confused, but amused) Okay. And your other brother’s children, will they be there?

ADAM:  Hopefully, no. They’re a mess.

KIMIYO:  (Snuggling up to Adam) Why mess?

ADAM:  Oh, just – well to begin with, their eldest – Emily – she got married a couple of years ago, but she and her husband are already separated. They weren’t even married a year when they got separated, and now they’re getting a divorce.

KIMIYO:  But this is – you know, getting married, then getting divorce – this is modern thing. Happens everywhere – even Japan.

 ADAM:  Sure, but usually people stay married longer than one year! I was home for the wedding – and it was this huge church wedding with all the trimmings, too, no expense spared – and I remember even then thinking the guy she was marrying was a prime asshole. In fact, it was patently obvious that he was, but everybody acted like he was just God’s gift. (Shaking his head, disgusted) Even when he got drunk and had to be dissuaded from kissing all the bridesmaids and pissing in the punch bowl.

KIMIYO:  (Sincerely) That is too bad!

ADAM:  (Nodding grimly) So now she’s at home all the time too – just like Paul. It’s kind of sad, really –  like it’s some curse of the eldest or something, staying at home and turning into hermits.  First Paul and then Emily. And then there’s their son Colin, and he’s gay.

KIMIYO:  (Sitting up in bed, indignant) You are not saying he is messed up because he is a gay? Because you know, my Uncle Ben who is in Singapore and also my cousin Hideo who is dancer and figure skater –

ADAM:  (Slapping her hand gently) Give me a break!  No, of course I’m not. I feel sorry for him ‘cause his parents just act like it’s not happening. You know, the gayness thing. Stephen never asks him about his partners or friends, he just ignores everything about Colin’s lifestyle. Colin’s actually doing pretty well now, but the last time I saw him he was kind of a mess about it all – about his parents just denying the whole thing. He says he’s tried to talk to them about it, but they just brush him off. Plus he thought he was HIV positive the last time I saw him, so he was pretty much a basket case. I don’t know if he’ll be at Herbert’s either. Kind of a shame ‘cause he’s a nice guy.

KIMIYO:  So almost your nephews and nieces will not be at your brother’s home.

ADAM:  Trust me, you’ll find enough people there. That’s the one good thing about having a big family. Even if half of them decide not to show up, you still end up with enough  people to populate a small town.

KIMIYO(Thoughtfully) So many people say maybe come, maybe not come, that is hard for your sister-in-law!

ADAM:  Oh, I don’t know, it gives her something to complain about, so it’s not a total loss.

KIMIYO:  (Indignantly) If I am invite whole family come to my house for

Christmas time and couple people show up at very last minute – if people tell me they

maybe come, maybe not come, then bet your ass that I will complain too!

ADAM:  (Indulgently) Yeah, I know you would. But that’s just you. You’d let me know, wouldn’t you? You’d – well, you’d sort me out. You wouldn’t just walk around nagging and bitching, like Valerie does. You wouldn’t just seethe and take it out on me in little ways, right?

KIMIYO:  (Happy to be praised) No, I do not have to act like bitch because I really am bitch – (Starts laughing as Adam slams a pillow on her) – no, no, I am not bitch, I am dynamic modern woman who stands out for herself.

ADAM:  Stand up for herself.

KIMIYO(Dismissively) Stands up, stands out. Whatever. And your sister is coming too, right? Youngest one – younger than you?

ADAM:   Yep, she’ll probably be there. And she’s the baby. If you can call a 35-year-old a baby, that is.

KIMIYO:  (Pretending  indignance) Hey! You call me ‘baby’ all the time and I am 36!

ADAM:  (Snuggling up to Kimiyo again) So you are, baby, and so I do.

KIMIYO:  What is she like?

ADAM:  Gwen? She’ll talk your ear off. Natters on about nothing for hours on end.

KIMIYO:  (Smiling) Good for my English!

ADAM:  (Smiling grimly) Good for your listening comprehension – sure. Only she’ll be no help at all for your conversational skills: she’d rather talk than listen.

KIMIYO:  (Thinking) Wow, your poor mother!  Oldest kid is teenager and then she has another baby plus also three other kids, all ages. Lotta hard work!

ADAM:  (A little distantly, turning onto to his back to stare at ceiling) Yeah, my poor mother…

KIMIYO(With obvious curiosity) You never say about her, Adam.  

ADAM:   (Evasively) Mmmm…I was pretty young when she died, so I can’t really

remember much about her.

KIMIYO(Surprised)  But you were eight years old!

ADAM:  (Obviously uncomfortable) Well, maybe I’ve just got a bad memory.

KIMIYO(Not buying it)  Adam, when I am eight years old my family move from  

Korea to Tokyo. I remember everything of that! I remember my uncle and my aunties,

how they all come to say goodbye to us at ship, all crying so much. How I must leave pet cats behind, how we lost my sister’s doll, how my baby brother pee in suitcase. Everything!

ADAM:  (Pointing out to the audience) Ever noticed how that one window frame looks lower than the one next to it? I wonder –

KIMIYO:  (Slapping his hand)  You are changing the subject!

ADAM:  (Hugging Kimiyo to him again)  Sorry.  The thing is, I really don’t remember. My brothers, they remember her, I suppose. But Gwen and I – we can only remember a few things about her, about that time. It’s probably better that we don’t remember so much. She was ill, she died – end of story.

(The two are quiet for a moment, lying in each other’s arms)

KIMIYO:  (A little shyly and hesitantly) Actually, Adam, I have something tell you. (She clears her throat and pulls back a little to be able to look at him.)  You know how my monthly guest very irregular, not come always on time – ?

ADAM(Looking worried but interested)  Yeeees…

KIMIYO:  Well, even though kind of irregular, always periods come least five, six times a year, and always I am feeling kind of sick in the morning before(Adam says nothing but continues to watch her intently)

KIMIYO:  (Growing increasingly worried about Adam’s lack of enthusiastic response) Anyway, so lately, I am feeling sick in the morning as usual, like when period come, but this time – no period.

ADAM:  (Looking worried)  Are you alright? There’s nothing wrong with you is

there?

KIMIYO:  (Shaking her head) Don’t think so. I feel fine except for kind of sick feeling in morning time.  And also chest starting to feel kind of full. (Pointing

meaningfully at her breasts)

ADAM:  (Suddenly taking it in)  So you reckon you’re –

KIMIYO:  (Nodding, smiling)  Don’t know for sure exactly, but looks like another crazy family person.

ADAM:  (Says nothing as he stares open-mouthed at Kimiyo, but stretching out one hand and placing it over Kimiyo’s belly)

KIMIYO: (Nodding, her smile beginning to get a little tremulous as she tries to read Adam’s mood)  I – yes, I am pretty sure.

Her words are smothered as ADAM  begins to laugh and enfolds her in another bear

Reviews
some reations
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3136 comments posted) 4th December 2006
I love reading other peoples script work. I’m really getting into to it. My initial reaction was- this is for the stage or radio as it is very static and all in one set but then I’m not sure how the stage would work if they are in bed most of the time the audience couldn’t see or hear them well, so probably radio; but enough picky stuff. I thought the dialogue sounded real and for the most part unforced. I did wonder how long they had been married, as they had to keep reminding each other of family stuff. But the dialogue did flow well and pulled the story along. It did, on second reading seem to consist mostly of revealed information and exposition which though necessary does keep us at a distance from the characters, emotionally. I thought you highlighted the difference in cultures very well and this was the highlight of the story for me with their different attitudes to family and what it means. 
You did hint at a problem with Adam’s father and we only know why because you told us in the character list but it would have been so much stronger if you had included in the dialogue. it struck me as a missed opportunity to highlight the trumas that both sides’ parents suffered in the war and how it coloured their respective attitudes but I’m sure you will tell me that is not the story you were telling. 
One other point- the dialogue was all in neat tidy, little chunks with no fading off of speech or more importantly interruptions, which would add to the emotional heat. 
Finally I did like the ending with the family life carrying on to another generation 
Sorry this is so long. It’s a testament to the effect it had on me 
Cheers 
Jane 
 

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 4th December 2006
I am thrilled to have any reviews of this at all, so you can imagine how I feel getting reviews that are perceptive and long. And considering how long-winded all my reviews and comments are, yours is the soul of brevity.  
 
Adam has been keeping his father's POW background from Kimiyo; I am modeling this on a couple I once knew years ago who had a similar situation. But I think you are right when you say that there should be some hint of this in the text.  
 
Kimiyo's family and their wartime troubles will certainly come up later in the play. There is still miles of this to go, I must warn you; I have not looked at it for months, but I will be steadily revising it before I post! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this AND to give such a good and thoughtful review.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3136 comments posted) 4th December 2006
When I was reviewing I forgot that this was only the first act and a lot of my criticism will be redundant as it progresses. I do appreciate that it is difficult to cover all the possibilities when posting a large piece up in sections, but it is often a good idea to set some problem or indident up early on so when you do expose it later the reader will have some context for it. It also "hooks" the reader early on and keeps them reading. 
OK I promise I'm stopping now and looking forward to the next act 
J
Hm.
Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 4th December 2006
I'm not entirely sure. It seems an interesting start for a play and the dialogue brings up a lot of potential conflicts, but it seemed a little too much. I don't know how much time it will take to read this out loud, but I think a lot of things could be left out without hurting the scene. The main problem is of course going to be the past of Adam's father. Though it would of course be funny if they go through all kinds of trouble and then in the end find out that Adam's father actually likes Kimiyo... 
 
So it's promissing, but there's a lot of (I asume) unnessecary stuff in it.

Written by Phil (6387 comments posted) 4th December 2006
I'm sure I left a review on this yesterday - obviously not. 
 
Testament to your writing Witzl, long it may be, drag it didn't. It did occur to me that this was pretty static, but not until I read BBS's comments did I think it might be for radio - if so - excellent. 
 
You've introduced two characters in depth and given us a taster of many more.  
 
Look forward to seeing what happens. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.

Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 11th December 2006
Read this a while back, not moved on to the other acts you've posted yet. For me, stage - partly because of its static nature, and partly, of course, because of the key element of the directions you've taken care to detail. With the right lighting set-up, I could imagine this working well in a theatre. 
 
I don't know how well to gauge this timewise in proportion to the piece as a whole - the cultural differences/dilemmas seem well conveyed - the family issues could probably be even more accentuated. The dialogue seems natural and smooth enough - I sense the quality of the actors/characterisation could heighten the effect of the drama even more. Certainly left me wanting to pursue it.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 11th December 2006
I thought I had read and commented on this section as well as the others....turned out I commented on Part 3, read Part 2 and missed this one entirely...so for that I apologise! 
 
You'll be pleased to know that it reads just as well backwards as it does forwards :) 
 
I thought the dialgue in this section was really natural and it was quite pacy as well which I like. There is a lot of information in it - I had to concentrate quite hard but then that's no bad thing. This is a really interesting piece - I'm off to read it in the right order now! 
 
Elli

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 12th December 2006
Thank you for your feedback, everyone. 
 
I had real doubts about this play. I wrote it earlier this year in a great fit of enthusiasm, and subsequently wondered what to do with it. The only reason I thought this first scene might work is that I saw a pantomime recently with a very funny bed scene in it, and it struck me that it would not be impossible. I suppose I could change this to a breakfast scene, but I figured if you were going to tell someone you thought you were pregnant, you would more likely tell them in bed. And I thought the family descriptions might work better if the couple were having a rather lazy morning in bed. I'm ot so sure about that now. 
 
The ending is the part I am really worrying about, but perhaps you'll be able to give me some good feedback about that if you manage to last all the way until then.  
 
Sorry it is so long-winded. I am working on this.
Hi Witzl
Written by jean.day (2196 comments posted) 16th December 2006
I am coming to this very late - and I know nothing about how to write plays - but I think it is great. I like the way the family situation gradually unfolds - with her dragging information out of him. I like the fact that he is so reluctant to introduce her to his family - and we get the impression that he is embarrassed about his family - and worried that they will upset her. It is just great. But I will leave the other acts so I have one to do a day. 
 
But the real reason I tried to find some of your work is that you said we had a name in common. You've got me curious now - it isn't Jean - as you are Mary - and I very much doubt that it is Wyngarden - although my father's family did move to California so there are several with that name there. So it must be Day. Is that your maiden or married name?
Hello
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 6th July 2007
Coming to this very late and although I know there are more parts to it I thought I'd review this first before reading the others.  
 
There's some good dialogue here and and a good set up for the rest of it but for me it's too static. I think the way it's written it's more stage than anything else but even so it needs to have more action. As it is it reads more as dialogue in a book. There's a lot here that could come out later when the other characters are introduced.  
 
I think it's got potential as a radio play but the other characters need to be introduced sooner and the scenes need to be shorter. 
 
Having said all that I'll probably read the next part and find it's fairly zipping along. 
 
Hope this helps.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 6th July 2007
Thank you, Seagull, for bothering to read this old entry and giving me your useful suggestions.  
 
I probably don't need to tell you that I know very little about writing plays. I would agree that it is too static, but you should have seen it before, when I had not incorporated some of the good advice I got from other GW members -- it was far worse!  
 
I really do appreciate your comments, and I know that they will come in handy if and when I go back and revise this, as I hope to do.

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