Reworking of an earlier posting (The sandcastle that killed the world). I apologise to those of you who read this the first time around for inflicting it upon you again! :)
A child crouches, bucket and spade in hand,
paying no attention to the devastation
that he is wreaking
upon the smooth expanse of sand.
He does not hear the waves that patter up the beach
at his heels, creeping
closer to an unsuspecting back.
The man who erupts from the child
proceeds with the same blithe abandon
but uses the world as his plaything.
The towers he builds now
belch acrid smoke skywards
to taint the rock pools of youth.
He is battered and burnt by the weather,
choked by smog,
assaulted by warnings
blared out by weather girls
but suffers all these insults in silence
with tattered innocence.
His only wish is for a little peace
to build his castles in the sand.
|
Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 4th December 2006 |
Been back to read the first. I vaguely remembered it - and the fact it was a high quality piece. This is very different in structure, but identical (?) in message. I really admired the first. While this is smoother, the raw impact of the first makes it more effective. Not to say there's anything wrong with this, I like it very much too. This one is probably more of a poets poem. I'm probably not making sense anymore - so I'm off. Liked it. All the best, Phil. |
Yikes Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 4th December 2006 |
Building sandcastles is dangerous! And then to think that I always wanted to build the biggest and the greatest, which had to stand for months! I often went back to proudly see that a small bump was still rising above the surf. Comparing that to the kid from your poem I guess that makes me one of those megalomaniacs who whish to built monuments to last for eternity An interesting poem. I've never seen it before, so I can't comment on that, but I liked this one. |
Hi Elli Written by jean.day (2327 comments posted) 5th December 2006 |
Another powerful poem - I found more in it the second reading - and think it is very good. I like the idea that the man who is supposedly ignorant of all the devestation he is wreaking on the planet and his own body, is offending by others destroying his peace and telling him how to build his castles. |
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 5th December 2006 |
Very nice. Must have missed it the first time around - not your very finest work, but thought provoking. Have you heard the Jimi Hendrix track "Castles Made of Sand"? Reminds me of that. Oli |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3450 comments posted) 5th December 2006 |
I've been keeping out of the poetry forum but I feel I can comment on this as I can understand the contents. I thought it was a really good idea and it was well carried out. That does sound a bit weak - what I meant to say was it had a really profond affect on me. A powerful sentiment with some wonderful imagery.You've really pulled the stops out for this one cheers J |
Written by wattle (117 comments posted) 6th December 2006 |
Why do I get a feeling these sand castles live deep within an active complex mind that worries about all manner of future things? --- You have invited/taken me on a pleasant journey; thank you.
|
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.