From THE BIG ISSUE. Kensington Edition Christmas 2006


As it's busy festive season of Christmas nears, Shelter, the Charity that campaigns to rid our sociey of the curse of homelessness, has announced a considerable, headline catching coup. Its new Patron is to be none other than the multi millionaire property landlord, Nicholas ' Nine Lives ' Van Hoogstraten.

Ptolemy Pottingshed-Punter, Communications Director of the Charity, told a Press Conference :

' We are really lucky to have got someone with Nick's profile. He has so much proven experience in promoting the cause of homelessness.He will bring his own distictive approach to takling the problems of the homeless poor. Of course he is going to be a tad tied up at present. Well, banged up actually. But we have been advised that his Appeal will be successful as all the witnesses seem to have disappeared. He can then muscle in to focus on bringing his own brand of expertise and energy to sort out people in distress. For far too long we have been too conventional in dealing with homelessness. Having someone like Nick on board will give us that extra impact to be more creative and proactive in our response to housing poverty.

Asked what this more proactive policy might entail. Ptolemy told reporters :

' Yaah! Well. See, if some sad shedless dosser gets behind with his rent, we can now immediately arrange for a Doorstep Consultation with King Kong's Bigger Brother. That way we attack the problem with a single blow. Literally. And you never hear from the client again. Until, of course, he or she is found dead and dismembered at the bottom of the river. Also, building on Nick's pioneering vision in striking at the root of structural deprivation, we need need to get thinking in many-faceted directions to confront the quality of life implications for deadbeats. That's why we are introducing Flat Pack Homes that can be picked up from any High Street store like Ikea or KwickSave. No need to go a Housing Waiting List. You simply leg it round the Loading Bay and hand over your Benefit Book and First Born- if not in Care- to the cheeky chappie from the Romanian Branch of the Ramblers Association. And in return you get a used cardboard box!! Soopah!! You can erect it anywhere! Shop doorways! Wasteland! Anywhere! That way the homeless are introduced to choice which, as the Prime Minister himself has told us, is the hallmark of a civilised society! '

He continued : 

' We all need to understand that involvement from the Private Sector is now challenging us to think inside the box. It really is so soopah exiting to be homeless at present! We need to get all these niggers and paupers to pull their socks up and stop thinking that there are any free lunches anymore! Or that a home is some kind of stable place to live!! Charity sucks! Pudsey is a pinko poofta!! Property and payment promote pride!! We need to channel our efforts to hone in holistically on the macro-dimensional, digital denigration downloaded from dwelling on human dignity. That's why this Christmas we will be dispensing with our food parcels and free meals and instead, for a modest charge, be distributing Hampers from Farepak!  Up yours you Loosers!! '


(C) Scrooge and Marley Social Policy Unit, Workhouse Street, WC1.